Saturday, 16 October 2010

Quick Re-Cap

A reminder of me "BEFORE"

In my previous entry, Shaheen had asked me some questions about my adventure. I thought it would be a good time to do a quick re-cap of what has been the story since I embarked on my journey in September 2009...

Commenced Phase 1 in September 2009

Starting Weight: 119.1kg

After 1 week: Lost 5kg

After 1 month: Lost 10kg

After 3 months: Lost 25kg

After 6 months: Lost 30kg

Then I started being naughty and blamed my circumstances, the things around me and blah blah blah because I suddenly couldn't stick to my eating plan. This went on for a period of 7 months. Then after deciding that enough was enough, I'm back on the eating plan. I am still on Phase 1 because I have not yet reached the target weight that was recommended to me by the doctors and personally I am not yet satisfied. I will only move on to Phase 2 of AWL when I have either (a) reached my target weight or (b) when I think that the weight I am is what I am comfortable with.

My exercise regime (then) consisted of a combination of dancing (3 times a week at least) and Bukit Shahbandar. I then incorporated yoga and more dancing. And now I am still dancing (4 times a week - about 11 hours in total) and an intense once a week session of yoga (maybe 2 if I have time).

So now that I have re-committed but fell off when I went to Tawau for the weekend, then re-committed plus a trip to Taiwan later this month (see how I do there!), my weight as of 16 October 2010 is... 83.2kg! A total weight loss of 35.9kg. I am so close to that goal of 79.1kg... and even then I probably will not be done yet!

I am now in the zone which I am not that familiar with! Let's see how I do by the end of this week!

Welcome to the Family!

This entry is dedicated to Shaheen (photo insert: L - Shaheen, C - Zana, R - Kath)who has recently signed up for Adventures in Weight Loss! Welcome Shaheen!

I have known Shaheen since we studied together at the International Islamic University Malaysia. We were introduced by a mutual friend, Adna and we just really hit it off!

I think for as far as I can remember and Shaheen can correct me on this one, we would talk about weight loss on a regular basis since we've known each other so this subject about healthy eating and working out are not unknown to us.

Since I started my adventure, Shaheen has been on her own adventure too, attempting to lose weight her own way. I admire her drive, commitment and dedication to following an extremely tough exercise training programme and at the same time, really be mindful of the food she consumes. In a nutshell - IT'S SERIOUSLY HARD WORK!

I received an email from her today which I can feel just breathes a big sigh of relief! Here's that email:

Shaheen Syed to me
1:52 PM (8 hours ago)

Dearest Rozana,

Today is my first day on the pharmanex supplements namely omega 3 and lifePax.  I am very excited to embark on this new method of loosing weight.
You know what excited me the most? The fact that I don't have to bust my butt doing high intensity workouts everyday and have sore muscles :)

I am going to do light weight training, cycling, walking and I am going to join the yoga group at my gym.  I'd love to join the belly dancing and other dancing groups too. Lets see what
my knee has to say about that!

Are you still on the supplements now that you are in your phase 2? How long were you in phase1? Did you loose all of your 32kg in phase 1 it self?
So many questions!  Okay, I'll also keep my self updated thru ur blog.  Take care and have a blessed day ahead!


Love and hugz,
Shaheen

She has a lot of questions which I will answer in another entry. At this stage, I would just like to share how happy I am that one of my best friends is going to have a life changing experience!

Thursday, 7 October 2010

A Conversation with Mio Ting

I love technology!

I get so much love and support and technology helped Mio Ting and I connect for a couple of minutes to discuss our progress.

I love you Mio Ting!

Here's our conversation over Gmail Chat:

4:00 PM me: hug hug
4:03 PM Ling: Hi dear.......today is the best day ever in our life!!
me: yay!
4:04 PM Ling: How r you?
me: good
:)

Ling: I just completed our CV6 with Nana. It's one of the best CV ever for me
4:05 PM me: great!
Ling: magical! r u going for brunei cv6?
Natalie and Lee will be attending
4:07 PM me: no i will be in jakarta with my parents :)
Ling: How's your progress in your adventure? I restart mine and setting a new goal weight for myself. Monday I breakthrough the weight that I have not see for almost 2 years, yeah!!
4:09 PM I am now at 56.8Kg (I have not see 56 for a long time) and targeting for 54kg as I wanted to see how I look at that weight.
me: i just re-started on monday :)
i was 89.1kg after all the hari raya eating
and then today i was 86.6kg
i am aiming for below 85kg before i go cv grad taiwan
i would like to go for 79.1kg
4:10 PM that would mean 40kg weight loss in total.
and i am curious to know what i look like below 80kg
4:11 PM Ling: Great!!! Give ourselves small target, may be 3kg per week. Another 3 weeks to CV grad Taiwan, that means another 9kg
me: is it really possible to lose 3kg in a week???
wah
Ling: You r truly an inspiration. 3kg is conservative figure.
4:12 PM me: really???
gosh.
ya i just updated my blog today
on how i felt and about what we talked about
phase 1 part 2

4:13 PM Ling: Your monday weight was 89.1kg and today is 86.6kg, that's a lot too
4:15 PM small target.........one step at a time. To me, it's a commitment to myself, just like doing mission possible. I will do MP no matter what because I am committed to capture the story of my life
me: :)
i was beating myself up actually.
for a lot of things.

4:18 PM Ling: Beating ourselves up only make things worse. I choose to accept my imperfection and choose to love myself with giving myself the best i can in food, in energy. I feel that this is the only choice
4:20 PM me: i decided to not pay attention to all those ppl who gone on to phase 2 and focus on my journey :)
no need to compare

4:23 PM Ling: Yeap!! No comparison. Everyone loss weight at different rate and we all grow at different pace too. Comparison is the ego that wanted to be better. You re doing great! Focus and appreciate the kgs that you drop off. That's amazing result........
me: :)
i have been in ego
:(
i realized that.

4:29 PM Ling: I see your commitment, your discipline, your determination, your confident, your inspiration, your unconditional love in the process. Keep going......this is a journey, the intention to have great health. The goal weight is just a guide, focus on the intention to be healthy
4:31 PM me: :)
thanks mio ting.

No Thank You...

I am super proud of myself.

Today the Empire Hotel Atrium lunch looked super yummy and I chose not to eat any of it! I watched my colleagues eat it all. I wished I was eating it with them but I didn't want to go through that Start-Stop pattern again. I ate my home cooked lunch and felt really good about myself!

I'm 86.1kg today! That's 3kg weight loss from Monday and 7kg more to go to my next target in which I will reward myself with another photo shoot.

Let's see how I do this weekend because I will be in Tawau for a speech contest and sizing up portions does not come so naturally nowadays. I wish myself all the best for the contest and for making the right food choices when I am away!

Photo Below: July 2010 with Abah & Mummy and my recognitions from the Brunei Speakers' Club. I recognize myself too for the super job I have been doing with regards to my adventure!

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Dear People Who Don't Close the Door While They Change Their Clothes

I think she's talking about me! hehe!
http://thxthxthx.com/

Hope, Faith & Love

Shared by my beautiful friend Diwi on Facebook. I just needed to keep this message somewhere for me too... xoxox

Tidak, jodoh tiada ada berkaitan dengan keturunan.

Hanya belum sampai masanya.

Ia bagai menanti jambatan untuk ke seberang.

Kalau panjang jambatannya jauhlah perjalanan kita.

Ada org jodohnya cepat sebab jambatannya singkat.

 

Usia 25 tahun rasanya belumlah terlalu lewat.

Dan usia 35 tahun belum apa-apa kalau sepanjang usia itu telah digunakan untuk membina kecemerlangan.

Nyatakanlah perasaan dan keinginan anda itu dalam doa-doa lewat sembahyang.

Allah mendengar.

 

Wanita baik untuk lelaki yang baik, sebaliknya wanita jahat untuk lelaki yang jahat.

Biar lambat jodoh asalkan mendapat Mr Right dan biar seorang diri daripada menjadi mangsa lelaki yang tidak beriman kemudian nanti.

Memang kita mudah ter silap mentafsir kehidupan ini.

Kita selalu sangka, aku pasti bahagia kalau mendapat ini.

Hakikatnya, apabila kita benar-benar mendapat apa yang kita inginkan itu, ia juga datang bersama masalah.

 

Kita selalu melihat orang memandu kereta mewah dan terdetiklah di hati kita, bahagianya orang itu.

Hakikatnya apabila kita sendiri telah memiliki kereta mewah kita ditimpa pelbagai kerenah.

Tidak mustahil pula orang yang memandu kereta mewah (walaupun sebenarnya tak mewah) terpaksa membayar lebih tatkala berhenti untuk membeli durian di tepi jalan.

Orang lain membeli dengan harga biasa, dia terpaksa membayar berlipat ganda.

 

Ketika anda terperangkap dalam kesesakan jalan raya, motosikal mencelah-celah hingga mampu berada jauh di hadapan.

Anda pun mengeluh, alangkah baiknya kalau aku hanya menunggang sebuah motosikal seperti itu dan cepat sampai ke tempat yang dituju.

Padahal si penunggang motosikal mungkin sedang memikirkan bilakah dia akan memandu kereta di tengah-tengah bandar raya.

 

Bukan semua yang anda sangka membahagiakan itu benar-benar membahagiakan. 

Bahagianya mungkin ada tapi deritanya juga datang sama.

Semua benda, pasti ada baik buruknya.

Demikian juga perkahwinan.

 

Ia baik sebab ia dibenarkan oleh agama, sunnah Nabi, sebagai saluran yang betul untuk melepaskan shahwat di samping membina sahsiah dan sebagainya,

Tapi ia juga buruk sebab ramai org yang berkahwin hidupnya semakin tidak terurus.

Ramai orang menempah neraka sebaik sahaja melangkahkan kaki ke alam berumahtangga.

 

Bukankah dengan ijab dan kabul selain menghalalkan hubungan kelamin, tanggungjawab yang terpaksa dipikul juga turut banyak?

Bukankah apabila anda gagal melaksanakannya, anda membina dosa seterusnya jambatan ke neraka?

Berapa ramaikah yang menyesali perkahwinan masing2-masing padahal dahulunya mereka bermati-matian membina janji, memupuk cinta kasih malah ada yang sanggup berkorban apa sahaja asalkan segala impian menjadi nyata?

 

Jika tidak sanggup untuk bergelar isteri atau suami tidak usah berkahwin dulu.

Jika merasakan diri belum cukup ilmu untuk bergelar ibu ataupun ayah, belajarlah dulu.

Jika rasa-rasa belum bersedia untuk bersabar dengan kerenah anak-anak, carilah dulu kesabaran itu.

Jangan berkahwin dahulu sebab kenyataannya ramai yang tidak bersedia untuk melangkah tetapi telah melompat, akhirnya jatuh terjerumus dan tidak jumpa akar berpaut tatkala cuba mendaki naik.

 

Berkahwin itu indah dan nikmat bagi yang benar-benar mengerti tuntutannya.

Berkahwin itu menjanjikan pahala tidak putus-putus bagi yang menjadikannya gelanggang untuk mengukuhkan iman, mencintai Tuhan dan menjadikan syurga sebagai matlamat.

Berkahwin itu sempadan dari ketidaksempurnaan insan kepada kesempurnaan insan - bagi yang mengetahui rahsia-rahsianya.

Berkahwinlah anda demi Tuhan dan Nabi-Nya, bukan berkahwin kerana perasaan dan mengikut kebiasaan.

 

Jodoh usah terlalu dirisaukan, tiba masanya ia akan datang menjemput, namun perlu juga anda membuka lorong-lorongnya agar jemputan itu mudah sampai dan tidak terhalang

 

Cinta yang disemadikan tidak mungkin layu selagi adanya imbaskembali.

Hati yang remuk kembali kukuh selagi ketenangan dikecapi.

Jiwa yang pasrah bertukar haluan selagi esok masih ada.

Parut yang lama pastikan sembuh selagi iman terselit didada

 

"Kadang-kadang Allah sembunyikan matahari, Dia datangkan petir dan kilat, Kita menangis dan bertertanya-tanya, kemana hilangnya sinar? Rupa-rupanya Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi..."


Have Faith in Allah, 
Have Hope in Dreams,
Have Love in Life

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Re-Commit: Phase 1 Part 2

I have been on a 7 month “holiday” from Phase 1. How do you define a holiday while on this adventure? It means you:

1.       Let loose and have many mad moments OR

2.       Sort of follow the eating plan throughout the week and allow for little “treats” on the side OR

3.       Follow the eating plan Monday to Friday and then when it hits the weekend, you let loose and have many mad moments.

I think mine was a combination of all 3! I became aware I was going through a very familiar pattern of mine which was that of START and STOP. I was struggling to START and when I did START, I then STOPPED not long after, then I had to RE-START and the pattern would go on and on. I admit that when I made the choice to allow myself to eat this and that, I have now found it difficult to really stick to my guns. As a result of the choices I made after Hari Raya, I have put on weight and as of Monday 4 October 2010, my weight came in at 89.1kg.

I admit I went through a period of self-loathing because I was not disciplined as I have been before which was then salvaged with thoughts and reminders of me that I have come so far, how could I not like myself for what I have done? Then I had feelings of fear. I felt fearful about going back to the weight I had started with when I began this adventure. I had fear about being that big, fat girl again who struggled each time she climbed up the stairs or the seat was too small. That was salvaged with reminders from friends that it was up to me to not make that happen again and keep on staying motivated.

On Sunday night, after my last open house for Hari Raya and after a weekend of enjoying delicious food while on a short trip in Kuala Lumpur, I had decided enough was enough. It was time to get serious again. I could visualize me being 10kg lighter but there’s no point visualizing if I didn’t take any action. I am very proud of myself that my decision to re-commit to Phase 1 was not based on fear. It was based on the belief in me that I am capable of achieving my goal and that I deserve this beautiful and healthy body.

Come Monday morning, I was ready once again. I feel so proud of myself for saying NO to the offerings that have come my way. And I feel extremely encouraged now 3 days into my re-commitment my weight has come down from 89.1kg to now 86.6kg. I am back on track!

To all of you out there - my pillars of strength: Thank you once again for the never ending support and encouragement.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Recognition

In May, a big group of us from Brunei went to the District 51 Toastmasters Annual Convention that was held in Miri, Malaysia. I have been to a number of Toastmasters conventions over the past number of years I have been a Toastmaster and the best part about attending these conventions consistently is meeting the same people at least twice, three and even four times a year! Even though the conversations are mostly brief, at least there is that moment of connection and because we are there for the same reasons, at least on the surface level, as Toastmasters we all unite together and are one big family.

I made my “appearance” on Friday night for the Welcome Night. I sat at the back of the hall with my Mummy and wandered around looking for familiar Toastmasters. Needless to say, most of them COULD NOT recognize me and had to do a double take! The obvious changes were that I was wearing contact lenses and I was not wearing my tudung (headscarf). I got complimented left and right to which I can only graciously say thank you to their sincere comments. It was a lot of fun having people “guess” who I was and most of them recognized me only when I spoke.

I sat down in front of Gerald Green, DTM, the man who made Toastmasters happen in our part of the world and he almost fell of his chair when I “re-introduced” myself! I was honoured because he introduced me to the VIP table and I got to meet the past International President Johnny Uyy!

The next day, Papa Gerald (as they fondly call him) delivered a keynote speech and I had the shock of my life when he asked me to stand! He described, “This girl last year, I could not put my arms around her, but last night after I met her, I was so shocked to see how much she has slimmed down. Rozana where are you?” I shrank in my chair before people started pointing in my direction and I stood up in a room which was occupied by 500 people! I honestly didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t feel proud of my achievement. I felt embarrassed!

What I didn’t know there and then was that my Mummy starting crying until she told me after the convention. She said for her, she felt so proud for me to be recognized in front of such a large crowd to acknowledge how hard I have worked to get to where I was. After knowing this, I didn’t realize how much an impact I have really made and how anyone can be an inspiration because in this world we are all looking to be inspired, to find that spark that makes it all worthwhile in our endeavours to create our better selves.

The “before” and “after” photo below is a testament to being an inspiration. Siti Intan, a good friend and work colleague began her own weight loss adventure by making simple changes to her diet and she has successfully lost 15kg! It proves to show with determination and discipline ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! We are all beacons of light continuously leading others out of the darkness and into the realm of possibility.

Me, Papa Gerald Green & Siti Intan - Kuching, April 2009

 

Ley Hian, Me & Siti Intan - Miri, May 2010

 

Congratulations Siti Intan on your achievement!

You are my inspiration as much as I am yours!

 

My Date with Mio Ting

Mio Ting was in Brunei a few months ago in July to pay a visit and I took the opportunity to have a date with her. Apparently after 4 years of knowing each other, we never have had our personal time together where it's just the two of us! I really enjoyed our very long lunch together where it just so happened all my afternoon music classes got cancelled!

I shared with her how I would like to go on to phase 2 but at the same time I was feeling guilty that I was not doing so well on phase 1 of the programme. I think in some sense, now on hindsight, I was beating myself up for the fact that I was not as disciplined as before. I was judging myself because I was afraid other people would judge me that I was once their source of inspiration and because I have faltered, does that mean I would be more a disappointment than an inspiration?

Even though those thoughts during those few hours were not verbalised, I really appreciated Mio Ting's input on helping me understand the importance of following the food plan that has been set and how it is there to really help me provided I would want to help myself. I looked back at my notebook and these are some of the things she shared with me:

If I love myself, I would not feed myself with something that would hurt me. Very often we think that this is the way we love ourselves, by "indulging" in the things that hurt us. It will take 48 hours for the poison in our body to subside. This poison is how we react to the food and the reaction is a result of our body trying to protect our organs. For me, how it shows up is sudden sleepiness, feeling bloated and of course, no weight loss.

And this line, really got me the most...

It's not that you can't do it (i.e. not that I can't lose another 10, 15 or 20kg), it's whether I want to do it or not.

As Linda Chandler had said before, "If you can't, you won't and if you can, you will."

So I am grateful I had that time with her and how the message is coming back to me now this very day. I am making certain resolutions. And I know I've said it before, but the resolve is coming back and I'm really meaning it this time. I'm going to go that extra mile and I know I CAN do it because I CHOOSE to do it!

Here's a "before" and "after" photo of Mio Ting and I. Please take note in the "before" photo, Mio Ting had already started her adventure and at that point in time I had not yet. I recall that time in Cambodia where I signed the application form and now look at me in the "after" photo after we had our date! I am just so amazed with myself and how my life has changed thanks to me making the choice to embark on this adventure!


Mio Ting & Zana - Cambodia, July 2009


Mio Ting & Zana - Brunei, July 2010
(one year later!)

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Catching Up

I sometimes go to a person's blog and they have one of those entries which says, "I apologise that I have not been updating my blog in awhile... etc etc" I am not making a public apology but I would like to say that there have been so many things that have been worth recording here as part of my adventures which I have not been doing so - especially life after so much weight loss.

I realize that when I don't really want to face something, I usually end up not recording it. As if I'm afraid to face myself. It's the same with how I am meant to write in my journal all my awarenesses, choices and magical, meaningful and memorable moments which I started so enthusiastically after attending CV Grad Thailand in July 2010 but now... it's fallen apart again. That "start-stop" pattern has reappeared! It's the ego at play; what Eckhart Tolle speaks in his books A New Earth and The Power of Now called the "Pain-Body".

When you don't want to capture that moment or awareness, you are stopping yourself from growing (and I don't mean that physically horizontally or veritcally!). You stunt your own development of being an AWESOME person who is more than just your habits, who is more than your mind, who is more than what you preceive yourself to be. With awareness, we make choices and it is in these choices that allow us to SOAR even further than ever before!

You will hear from me soon. We have a lot to catch up on.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Moments of Weakness

I had just returned from a weekend in Kota Kinabalu attending the Kota Kinabalu Toastmasters Club Installation Banquet. It was certainly a fantastic weekend! I stayed at Jasmine's house and her house was BEAUTIFUL! And while staying at Jasmine's, I was really well taken care of. The bed was comfortable, the house was so inviting, everyone was so pleasant and her parents were wonderful hosts! I really felt like I was at home.

I was treated to a delicacy of mouth watering food which was laced with tradition. Everyone was aware I was on a "diet" yet I made the choice to eat the food. And I sampled almost everything! 

Snacks after rehearsals

I felt very full at almost every meal and I am sure now the food is having an effect on this body as I sit here in my room typing this entry. I found out from Mio Ting, it takes 48 hours for the body to eliminate all the toxins we have introduced into our system and as part of the defense mechanism to protect the body's organs, the body will react and respond in ways such as feeling bloated, feeling sleepy, feeling tired, water retention etc... I feel giddy right now and I'm not too sure if that's the result of yummy food which is a few seconds on the lips and the fulfillment of taste buds to 48 hours of having to cleanse the system again or I feel this way because I'm developing a fever.

As I write this particular entry, there was one part of me that actually said, "I had a moment of weakness, where I just had to try everything!" As I heard that voice in my head, I realized that I did not have a moment of weakness. Those were all CHOICES I had made. Just because I made them did not make me a "weak" person. I made those choices. I am not blaming anyone. Statement of fact. Now what goes along with the choices I have had made is, I am responsible for the CONSEQUENCES of my action.

48 hours of a bloated tummy and feeling giddy reminds me I am human and that I am RESPONSIBLE for my own choices.

Monday, 21 June 2010

1%

I got this in an email from GratitudeLog.com and I really like it. I am part of GratitudeLog.com, it's almost like Facebook where you post up in your status what you're grateful for so it's very positive and incredibly heartwarming to see what people around the world are grateful for!

I would like to express my gratitude right now, how I am feeling despite all the ups and downs I encounter - I am so grateful for having this opportunity to experience life the way I am meant to experience it!

What are you grateful for?

Hi there,

I recently came across this powerful value statement
that really resonated with me.

What is it?

* Aim for a 1% improvement every single day

That's it!  I think all of us could agree that a 1%
improvement is something we are capable of.

Well, the power of this is that if you do this every single day,
then you will completely transform yourself and your
life in less than 1 year.

In fact, if you will be 3,700 times better by the end
of this year.  This is also why Einstein used to say
that "the power of compounding is one of the most powerful
forces in the world."

Now, please don't take this example literally.  Why?
Because a 3,700 % improvement is impossible!  If I could
do that, perhaps I could fly.  :-)  The key idea that
I am trying to communicate is this:

* Aim to be better today than you were yesterday

I think gratitude is one of these laws that helps you
easily and effortlessly achieve that goal.  I think that
by being grateful, you are instantly 1% better off every
single day than if you forget to express gratitude and
the effect after one year will be just as massive.

So, if you have not yet taken a chance to be grateful
today, do so now.

http://www.GratitudeLog.com/

I like you and I am grateful to have the opportunity
to serve you.

Mike

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Some Things Don't Change

It's nice to know some things don't change! A perfect example is every night, I have to figure out what to wear to work the next day. And especially if I am heading off to the gym in the morning and going straight to work from there, I really have to think about what to pack in my bag. At least if I was at home, I could try on a couple of outfits and finally settle on the one that works for me that day. 

Conclusion: No matter what size you are, beautiful dresses or comfortable outfits or fashionable attire, you still have to figure out what to wear! And that part has not changed for me at all. LoL!

Monday, 14 June 2010

Rub Rub Rub

I had this question in my head over the past few weeks - if someone was thinner, would their thighs rub together when they walk or only overweight people would have such a problem?

I recall how wearing a skirt or baju kurung on a hot day could become torturous because you start sweating and then your thighs become damp and the next thing you know, the more you walk, the more the skin on each thigh rubs against one another and then, you realize after getting home that you have a RASH! Then to cool down the rash and to make walking bearable I used to slap on a lot of talcum powder to "dry" it out and then put on some pants so that my skin didn't have to touch. After maybe 1 or 2 days, the rash would have subsided.

After many occasions of that happening, I then decided one day to start wearing pants on the inside of all my skirts and baju kurung. That made it much more comfortable! I think I wore pants on the inside of my skirts for 2 or 3 years and never had a rash again.

Now though, 35kg weight loss down the road, I had wondered, what if I didn't wear my pants inside my skirts. It was not exactly an awkward feeling but I had just wanted to know and I guess appear "normal". My thighs looked as if they were still touching each other. Should I risk it? And I did. I was again delighted! (All these little discoveries just make me so happy!) Thighs did not rub against each other! Therefore, no rash! 

My earlier question, I think no matter what size we are, our thighs will still rub together. I'm just grateful my thighs don't rub together to form a rash anymore!

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Sticks & Stones

You can't win. When you're fat and overweight, people will talk. When you've lost lots of weight, people will talk. I have been told recently that I have a new name and it was emphasised that it's actually a compliment because they have seen me go from so big to now a smaller size. If I was to analyse it any further, it does not come close to a compliment! The new name is:

Zana Anorexic

Anorexia is a disease. I do not come close to being in this condition mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I think over the years, I have gotten immune to the "fat" names that I guess now I only need to get used to the "skinny" names. I also have come to realise that sometimes when people talk and give names or labels such as these, they do so unconsciously and also their intention may not be necessarily to hurt the person. 

As I was reflecting on this, my ego wanted to go into being self-righteous and explain to them the process I was putting myself through. But I knew that would not resolve anything. What was the point of trying to explain to the many people out there who have passed judgement? So I made the choice to strengthen my resolve that what I am doing is ultimately for MYSELF only. It is not to prove anything to the world. Nor is it to win a popularity or beauty contest. My intention has and always will be on this journey is to be fit and healthy and the weight loss was part and parcel of that process.

So as they say, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Call me what you will as many people have done so in the past. But I will not hold on to that for at least I now KNOW what SUCCESS LOOKS and FEELS like!

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Limit-less

Last night I took Julia for a dance trial at the dance studio. I wanted her to trial the 2 new dance teachers - Jhung and James. And she had a ball! We were both high on endorphins as we were having dinner afterwards and we shared excitedly about dancing! 

While Julia trialed with Jhung, I had a class with James and we focused on Samba. What makes the experience interesting is that James not knowing me and him being very young does not know my limits. And because he does not know my limits, he pushes me to do things which I actually found difficult but I did it anyway! So it goes to show, I have been the one setting myself limits! The world truly is my oyster but only if I chose to do something about it and also if it fits in with my life purpose. I could have been that model-actress-singer-dancer-teacher-mentor-life coach-speaker ages ago! But this is a process of self-discovery and it's funny how that process has been further accelerated with the weight loss. I am just simply amazed with everything so far and I feel truly blessed with my life.

So now dance is happening 3 to 4 times a week and on top of that squeezing in time at the gym. I just signed up with Jhung so that should be an interesting experience since he does not know me and hence he does not know my limits! How far will I go? Only time will tell. I know for a fact, I am truly making progress in more ways than one!

Friday, 4 June 2010

Validation: Size 14

That's two weeks in a row that Kath has been my workout buddy on Fridays. We normally concentrate on arms and abs and today, I'm aching from the workout! A good sign I am using all my muscles!

After the workout was done, Kath gave to me my birthday present. She bought me two tops from Marks and Spencers on her recent holiday in Kuala Lumpur. Regardless of being hot and sweaty, I just had to try them on. So there we were in the changing room of the gym admiring me in my new tops! I was jumping up and down with joy that it was a size 14! 

The clothes I have been buying all this time don't necessarily indicate the size and it's just a nice feeling to know that if I were to walk into M&S, Dorothy Perkins, Top Shop etc... I just can head for size 14! And also, this is validation, I am smaller!

Previous Dress Size: 20-22
Current Dress Size: 14

Well done Zana!

Thursday, 3 June 2010

8.5km/h

I have finally made use of my gym membership!

I have gone to the gym a few times and enjoying every minute of it. I can even now jog on the treadmill! I recall the days when I first started out gym and my personal trainer first asked me to walk around 5km/h and he increased that to 5.5km/h and then he got me to jog at 6km/h and then he tried increasing that to 6.3km/h and finally to 6.5km/h. I could do it, but I could not sustain long and it just felt so heavy! Plus with everything bouncing twice as hard, it hurt to run. 

Fast forward to today, where I am no longer carrying an equivalent of 3 bags of rice, running or jogging suddenly seems so much easier. 

The first time I went to the gym, I was thrilled to find out that running at 7km/h did not leave me too breathless. The second time I went to the gym, I decided to try 7.5km/h. That was do-able. Then the next time at the gym I ran at 8km/h. I was thrilled. I decided to stick to that a few more times and then yesterday, I tried 8.5km/h and I could feel it was a little bit tiring yet, I could do it! I was so thrilled! I am going again tomorrow to see how many intervals of 8.5km/h I can do. My time on the treadmill I alternate between 2 minutes of brisk walking and 2 minutes of running. My new iPod Shuffle keeps me on the go with brilliant music all compiled by Kel - Thank You Kel!

The workout is then supplemented with resistance training. More entries on Adventures at the Gym to come... it suddenly seems like a whole new world out there!

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Buying Queen



I tried rotating the photo upright but it is not co-operating!

Photo Insert: My new wardrobe.

I have lost count how many dresses I have bought over the span of the months I have been on this adventure. It all started with a dress I bought in KL in October and up to dresses I bought from Shane's shop Dainty (@ The Mall Gadong) because of a discount for my birthday. Actually, I could count them, if I chose to! 

I was sharing with some friends that the first time I could actually wear a dress and the fact that I could walk into a shop and not look for a plus size section was a really emotional moment for me. I almost teared up. All this time I have been envious of seeing others wearing frilly, floaty, girly, elegant dresses and NOW I can wear them! 

Also, some conversations I have had lately has brought a realization that previously, shopping was just buying anything that FIT as opposed to it looking good. There were so many times where I walked into a shop, headed for the section that sold the bigger sizes, looked at the rack for anything "big enough", tried it on, thought it looked OK and then make the purchase for the sake of buying "something". I am so grateful those days are OVER! I now have the choice to buy clothes because it looks GOOD on me!

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Zana@Pictureworkz




A total weight loss of 30++kg and another photo shoot to commemorate this momentous occasion!

A totally different look and feel thanks to the talented artists behind the camera...

Make Up - Andre
Hair - Moore
Photographer - Jeff Ng (http://www.jeffviewfinder.com) and the other Jeff!

Thank you guys for the time you took that night to make me feel and be beautiful! Hugs!

And thank you to the two cheerleaders - Genevieve and Josephine for being there for me!

I will not lie...

I will not lie.

I have not been doing too well on my adventure. The scale has been fluctuating between 84.x, 85 and 86.x kg. This has been going on for maybe 2 months or so now.

I succumb to moments whereby I eat things which I'm not supposed to eat.

Believe me, guilt and fear settles in quite quickly. I fear about going back to my previous size, not being able to fit into the beautiful dresses that I now can wear and above all, looking like a failure in front of others who now see me as a success. I dwell in the negativity because it makes me feel that I don't have to own the problem and believe that there is something else out there I can blame rather than take responsibility for the consequences of my actions. 

So what do I blame? I blame my hormones. I blame stress. I blame the cold air conditioning in my office. I blame that other people make the food look so good. I blame the food for being placed in front of me the first place. And the list goes on and on...

I had an emotional moment last Saturday. I cried my eyes out. Why did I cry? I cried because I felt like a failure since the scale had not shifted in a long while. And while I knew, I was the one who caused that, my ego didn't want to accept it. 

I spoke to Ley Hian who seemed to understand the turmoil I was going through even though she herself had never had the need to embark on her own weight loss adventure, she has an adventure of her own in terms of her health and life in itself.

Now, rather than asking, "What's wrong with me?" or "Why am I so bad?" I have learned from Ley Hian to now start asking different questions such as "Moving forward, what can I do which is best for me?" or "What can I do which does not involve eating to resolve my emotions?"

I realized that it is time I took responsibility for my actions. I caused the numbers on the weighing scale not to go down. I chose to eat oily potato chips as part of my snacks. I chose to indulge in a little bit here and there thinking that it won't hurt but knowing time and time again, it will. It was all me.

The interesting thing is, when I have this awareness, and I eat those chips with consciousness, it's such a strange feeling. My mind is telling me, "You're actually eating something you're not supposed to eat!" And another part of me answers, "Yes I am. I am responsible for the consequences of the decisions that I make." Does it make things instantly better there and then? Not really. But at least now, I know that there is no one to blame. It is all up to me to make it happen once again.

Asking the right questions can really change your life... 

Moving forward, what do I do now which best serves me?

Friday, 7 May 2010

Shane & Zana - Before & After

Finally - a photo of Shane who is the Consultant for Adventures in Weight Loss in Brunei. I remembered I mentioned to her I had a photo of the 2 of us taken in 2008 and in 2010, we went to the same place and took another photo of ourselves and what a difference!

Keep it up Shane! You inspire me to keep on going...!

Shane & Zana in 2008 - Way Before the Adventure Began!

Shane & Zana in 2010 - After Embarking on the Adventure!

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Starting Over

After 4 months of not really here nor there with the food plan and after having a weekend where I was eating things I was not supposed to eat, I have resolved to start over my food plan and follow it with dedication and commitment that I experienced when I first started this adventure.

And with this intention in mind, I have this feeling inside where I believe that I will lose weight once again and that by month end of May, I will be seeing some positive results. I will be on my way to success the way I had intended it to be!

Friday, 30 April 2010

Sign Up!

I heard fellow adventurer Narissa is doing very well! Keep it up Narissa! You are now inspiring me to... EXERCISE!

I signed up for a gym membership near the office and it's now time to do "something". And also I'm wondering whether it will help push my current weight loss progress.

While I have been dancing for a year now and enjoying it very much, it's time to tone up and just learn to love this body some more!

A Different Focus

I've been focusing on weight loss and measurements that there's one factor of success which I've not included.

When I started my adventure, my body fat percentage was 55%! And now after 8 months in, my body fat percentage is 37.5%. A reduction of 17.5%. Now while that still does not fall in the healthy range (about 20 to 25%) just yet, it is still progress!

Go to Bed Fat and Wake Up Thin!




Maybe I should make a movie of myself too!

"

Lose 3 stone in 12 weeks! Here's the proof!

Film about a woman who is unhappy with being obese, and realises that she has to do something about her weight before she goes on holiday with her husband.

She goes on the Howards Way 'Very Low Calorie Diet' (VLCD) and succeeds in losing over 3 stone in just 12 weeks.

This film is based on a true story of Emma Wood, who kept a daily blog about her experiences here...

www.watchingemmasweight.blogspot.com

T"

Thursday, 29 April 2010

I am only human...

Everything in my life is interconnected. If I'm feeling down, physiologically it shows. Yesterday's dance class was a total posture nightmare. All I could do was keep slumping my shoulders and having the tendency to look down... Joel kept poking my back to make sure it was up but not long after, it was slumped all over again. Needless to say, I left my class feeling frustrated.

Last night, I read that eating sugar actually slows down your metabolism. No wonder this adventure does not allow eating sugar! The funny thing is, knowing is one thing and doing is another. I was tempted and I succumbed to Rahayu's offering of home made brownies not made with sugar but with apple sauce! Who am I kidding? It's still sugar! I only had one piece but still...

There's so much more going on in my life and other people have reminded me how hard I have been on myself in all aspects and angles. Thank you for the reminder! I need a kick in the butt! And also tatooed on my body that I am only human and things can't be perfect all the time. Trust and have faith out there that everything is meant to be the way it's meant to be...

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

An Elephant Never Forgets

When I was big (maybe like an elephant?), I never forget how big I am. Now that I am smaller, I forget how big I used to be and I don't appreciate how small I've become. I'm no longer an elephant, perhaps that is why there is the memory loss? 

I had an interesting conversation with Ley Hian this evening about work and my life and I can relate it to this adventure. For the past 4 months in 2010, my life has been action, action, action. At work there's certainly a lot of action - some exciting, some a bit dramatic and some just that need to be done. In my spare time - there's clarinet, dance, singing, Toastmasters and loving being in my room. In relationships - there's building it with my parents, my friends, my colleagues, my Toastmasters and so on. In health - there's the adventure! In her eyes, she sees me do so much and achieve so much in such a short span of time. Isn't it about time I stop judging myself and appreciate my life and my accomplishments thus far?

It's not about a question of vanity, pride or ego. It's all about acknowledging that WE have achieved so much and that if we don't take the time to appreciate ourselves, who will do it? No matter how much someone else says it, how great you are, how good you've been doing, etc, if we don't appreciate ourselves, all their words will never ever be enough. It takes ourselves to fill our hearts and that love tank that we possess and to keep on replenishing who we are and how capable we are in achieving our dreams.

I am no longer an elephant so I do have slightly short term memory but this entry is going to help me remind me of how far I have come and that I appreciate myself for not giving up despite the weight going down slower than before. Who can really say, "hey, I lost 34kg in 8 months!"? Apart from some other adventurers, I DEFINITELY CAN!

Monday, 19 April 2010

They Think You're HOT!

When a guy friend tells you that other guys now think you're HOT, it makes you think - that forbidden food is just not worth eating!

*hold on to that thought*

Lunch Box-ing

On Thursday and Saturday I was conducting a workshop at UBD and with Kae Wen and Genevieve we headed to Jalan Jerudong for lunch. I brought my lunch with me to make sure I ate the right quantities and also that it's cooked in the healthiest way possible.

At both instances, I told the waitress I didn't want to order any food because I was on a special diet. And the response I get is - they just leave me alone! Previously I would be more inclined to order from the menu because most restaurants I know would not allow outside food in and I've even seen signs of that in restaurants. I realized that if this restaurant really respects you as a customer, they would allow you to modify the menu and with me pushing it a little bit, I tell them I'm on a special diet - and I am! Of course, it would be ideal to go to the restaurant with friends who actually order from the menu out of respect for the restaurant!

As an adventurer, this really matters to me because it makes me feel that I am in absolute control of myself. I choose what I want to eat and when I eat it. This really matters to me because previously, if I see food I will just want eat it and eat it all! But now, being more conscious, I am not afraid to tell someone that I am just choosing to watch what I eat and bask in the success I've had so far as a result of making empowering choices!

Monday, 12 April 2010

Re-Visiting Yoga

In one of my previous entries dated Mar 22, '10 entitled "Itchy Feet", I've done two of the 5 things stated there:

2. Dancing the night away - when's the next party again?
I went to a dance party the other night and I must say I danced the night from 9pm to midnight. My feet started to ache at about 11pm and I tried to push the pain away and just keep moving! Joel was a fantastic partner to dance with! He led me through some dances which I have not yet touched in class and we did the basics. He was also very patient with me because I was not at all a very graceful partner and I physically injured him with my feet and also with my elbow and hands! 

3. Re-starting yoga in April
I kept this commitment and re-started yoga on 2 April. I joined my mom's restorative yoga class which is mostly made up of ladies in their 50s and 60s. My mom has been doing restorative yoga for almost 2 years now (man, time flies!) and she has been really consistent! I'm proud of you Mummy!

I think my last yoga class was about a year ago so I had wondered how my body would handle it and even more so, now with all the weight loss. The stretching hurt a lot! My muscles were so tight and all I could do was just keep imagining the muscles lengthening and telling myself that it's good for me. Honestly, I need to do more stretching when it comes to dancing! I stayed focused. The aching after the class, I expected and I didn't really mind. I knew my muscles were working.

What I found in amazement was how much easier it was doing yoga minus 30+ kg off the physical frame. Even though I had not stretched in awhile, what I savoured was being put into positions in which I could not do before because of how some extra flesh was in the way. It was exhilarating and I celebrated silently inside. I also found amusing how with less flesh that your body can't be used as padding anymore. There was one move which required you to balance on your bum squeezing in your tummy muscles while lifting your legs in front of you, so you basically look like a V. Normally my bum would cushion me sitting like that, but this time, all I could feel was the bone and it was not comfortable! However, that is just something minor. 

What matters is that, I truly appreciate the chance to engage in physical activity with ease and with enjoyment!

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Dare to Live

It was one of those moments where I let my thoughts flow and I came up with this piece but I am sure it's a combination of what I have heard in the past all caught in the subconscious of my mind just wanting to be heard again and to serve as a reminder to all of us that there is a life to be lived fully...

Dare to reach the brightest, biggest and most beautiful star without fear of the distance

Dare to venture into the darkness of the unknown without fear of the results

Dare to speak passionately and impeccably without fear of others judging you

Dare to see the horizon of the possibilities that lay before your very eyes without fear of the obstacles that may come your way

Dare to reconnect and renew friendships and relationships without fear of rejection

Dare to love with all your heart without fear of it breaking

Dare to live a life full of meaning, a treasure trove of memories and an eternity of magic!

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Hey Skinny!

It was my second week of yoga and I was waiting for the session to start. I lay down on the mat, just breathing with my eyes shut and I was about to drift off to sleep when Aunty May suddenly said, "Hey Skinny!" Without thinking, I opened my eyes and I said, "Yes?"

Aunty May said, "Wah so good! You actually responded!"

At that moment, I was like "Wow! I actually responded to her statement!" 

Why is this simple remark and response so important? It is because all this time, my self-talk has been telling me that I'm still big, there are still some parts that could do with some shrinking and that I would not describe myself as slim, let alone skinny. 

There are actually many facets of how I can take this realization but I will share only one, the negative self-talk has to stop! I have done really well so far, and I am constantly reminded by my wonderful friends how far I have come. Outwardly, I am taking steps in loving myself through being more mindful about the food I eat and how much I eat but this has not matched with what is going internally - namely my thoughts and the conversation that goes on inside my head that I have with myself. I am beginning to now see how my negative internal self-talk of late is affecting me on this adventure so far.

This is a GREAT realization for me! And you are here to witness it!

Each day, I choose to affirm and believe one positive statement about myself.

Thursday, 8 April 2010

I am...

This affirmation has helped me OWNED who I am being. It serves as a good reminder for me. No matter how "fast" or how "slow" your progress is (it's all a matter of perspective...), I hope it will keep you focused on your weight loss adventures!

I am healthy in body, mind and spirit. I look terrific and feel terrific. I become more attractive every day - on every level: emotional, spiritual and physical. I am a shining example to others.

 

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Permanent Weight Loss ~ Rapid Results Program

http://www.adventuresinweightloss.com
This is the official website of Adventures in Weight Loss. I recall browsing through this site looking for more information to help me make a decision whether I should pursue it or not. I love the before and after pictures! They are totally inspirational! They are everyday people like you and I who were all out for a healthier life and in the process look and feel great about themselves! If you would like to create and shape your life to the way you want it to be, this is it!

Friday, 2 April 2010

The Fashion Show

I have a confession to make. Most nights in my room as an intermission from what I am doing or getting myself geared up to do something, I have been trying on clothes! It's my own mini fashion show for me and me only. I try several outfits on and look at myself in the mirror! It's not a case of vanity. More of a case of admiration and appreciation that I can fit into these beautiful outfits - some new and some from my past. I still amaze myself each time when I think I can't wear something or carry it off, it looks good on me!

I bought 2 more dresses today from Betty's shop - Cinnabar in Kiulap. I just need to figure out what to wear it with and when to wear it!

Thursday, 1 April 2010

When Hunger Strikes!


I have been feeling exceptionally hungry lately and I can't figure out why. And I don't think I've been handling it too well. I look for snacking opportunities. I feel like Nigella Lawson looking at my fridge late at night figuring what I could eat. I've been doing my best to remind myself of how far I've come and for me to keep on going. I must say... whatever it is I'm going through, my resolve is not as strong as it used to be.

Progress to date
Current Weight: 86kg 
Total Weight Loss: 33.1kg

I'm almost at the weight when I was in university which was 10 years ago! I bought 4 new dresses during my weekend trip in KK. I am getting compliments on my appearance from people I never expected compliments from. How can these not be factors of motivation to keep on going?! 

Come on Zana! Only 16.9kg left to 70kg! YOU CAN DO IT!

Adventures In Weightloss

http://adventuresweightloss.blogspot.com
Would you like to know more about the adventure I chose to embark on? This website would have more details and contacts of the consultants located in Kuching and Brunei for you to pose more of your questions to!

Friday, 26 March 2010

CV Kidz Blog

http://www.cvkidzblog.blogspot.com/
This is a fantastic blog written mainly by Natalie who is 12 years old on living the lessons from Core Value Training and living a life full of meaning, magic and memories with the awareness she captures in this blog. The lessons are universal in nature and are meant for all ages. She is a teacher to us as we are to her and everyone else we encounter.

Monday, 22 March 2010

How Do I Change?

How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.
  - Og Mandino

And... If I feel fat I will look at my old pictures!

 

Itchy Feet

I feel like:

1. Waking up at 6am to just enjoy a morning walk

2. Dancing the night away - when's the next party again?

3. Re-starting yoga in April

4. Undertake some body toning exercises so that I could look as good as the contestants of So You Think You Can Dance Season 6!

5. Wearing a bikini at year end as a result of the hard work listed in 1 to 4!


Sunday, 21 March 2010

Dearest Zana

I wrote myself a letter dated 25 July 2009 during CV Grad Cambodia to be delivered to me 6 months after the completion of the programme. I am amazed with the contents of this letter!

Dearest Zana,

I am so proud of you now that you can say TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE everyday! You have not missed a single day in the past 6 months and look what a big difference it has made to your life! You are taking steps to loving yourself.

Mission Possible is not a joy and such an integral part of your life. Your awarenesses are getting deeper, preparing you for the greatness your life has in store for you.

Up to this point, you have lost 20kg and losing more. You are the healthiest you have ever felt in a long time. The more you are choosing to take care of this body, the more you are taking action and demonstrating that you truly love yourself.

No more talk of darkness, let the light shine and just BE.

I love you as always with honour and respect.

Love, Zana

 

Who's That Girl?

I decided from a few weeks ago that for each 10kg I lose, I would go for a photo shoot to treat myself so that I would have a pictoral record of my progress. 

I went for a photo shoot at Pictureworkz and the photographer was my colleague Jeff. My sidekicks that night was Moore who did my hair and Andre who did my make up. I actually had no idea what to expect. I felt I was in more "control" in my previous photo shoot and this time I chose to trust Moore and Andre in doing their magic.

The result? A totally different looking Zana! For the past few weeks I am having trouble in accepting this smaller me, so it was a little bit hard to comprehend ME through all the hair and make up! Plus, I'm still very critical of my body - the jiggly arms, the tummy that still has some rolls and the chin that seems to protrude. I must learn to accept what and who I see in the mirror! I am going to live with me for the rest of my life!

I don't have the full set of photos yet from Jeff but he did tag two photos of me on Facebook. And here's me modeling a suitcase! You be the judge - how do I look? [Click on the photo to see the high res image]



Wednesday, 10 March 2010

At the end of the day...


... it's not about how much weight I have lost but how much life I have gained...


Sunday, 7 March 2010

Only Another Woman...

... would notice the difference!

Over lunch today, I met a couple whom I knew from my previous work place and the wife said to me, "You're looking very well! Have you lost weight?" So I said proudly, "I've lost 30kg!" To which the husband replies, "Bloody hell! Well done!" And then she says, "Yes that's what I've noticed, you've lost weight!"

As I walked to the car, I told my parents, only a woman would notice whether another woman has lost weight or not. I'm not sure if men can tell if a woman has lost weight or not but hearing from the stories of my friends who are in relationships, the men sure notice if you have gained weight!

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Manila Adventures - February 2010




A weekend away in a new country with great friends and new experiences!