The Journey With No Destination

I had actually wanted to save this cartoon until the day I reached my target weight but now my perspective has changed. Read on...

Today Ley Hian pointed out that I am on a journey with no destination. And in fact, we are all on some journey without a destination. You might think this seems odd... but I understand her perspective.

When I started this adventure, all I ever focused on was losing that 40-50-60kg because all I ever cared about was seeing results and see the numbers on the scale moving down. But Ley Hian asked me, "After you reach your target weight, then what?" To which I replied, "Well I move on to phase 2." 

And then what happens after phase 2? There's phase 3. Then what happens after phase 3? There's the rest of your life.

So come to think of it, even though you have this target weight to achieve, you still have to keep on going no matter what - to continue to eat healthily and to live a healthy life and that your physical temple that houses your soul and spirit i.e. your body is healthy too.

It dawned upon me that there's actually no "end" in sight. And that's when the concept of "goals" is short lived. You achieve one goal and then what? You go ahead make another goal and achieve that one. And then what? Well, here comes another goal and then achieve towards it. You never stop!

What life then do you lead if your goals are never ending? An exciting one I would say! There's nothing wrong with goals but we must remember that there is a HIGHER intention why we do what we do. And this is a great reminder for me, over and over again the underlying reason I embarked on this adventure. My intention is to be healthy - my body, my heart, my mind and my soul. In this process of fulfilling this intention, I set small goals to be achieved, milestones to make sure I am on the right track. But now I know that I do not have a destination. Some people may view this negatively if I have not been able to express this clearly but my perspective is that, even though there is no destination, it's up to me to make the journey an exciting one because this is the life I deserve to lead.

Energy!

Sunday rolls around again. It comes so quickly! I went for my walk with Elaine and this time to make sure I was not late, I had slept at 10pm the night before and I woke up at 6am.

And I did so much better today than last week. For some reason I have a lot more energy! I think it's a combination of the weight loss and the supplements I've been taking.

According to Elaine, I scaled the Great Wall of China today! It's a good thing she only told me after I got to the top and down again. Otherwise my mind would have gone mad! I was telling myself not to look up so much and just focus on each step I was taking.

This week I am pleased with myself that I have incorporated activities that I enjoy:

Monday: Dance Class

Tuesday: The Brunei Speakers' Club

Wednesday: Clarinet Lesson 

Friday: Dance Class

Saturday: Hi Lo Aerobics

Saturday: Singing Lesson

Sunday: Walk at Bukit Shahbandar

With all this new-found energy, I am choosing to channel it in areas which bring me joy! I know that music fundamentally helps me with joyful expression of myself so that translates through the clarinet lessons, the singing lessons and the dance classes. It also helps the adventure because then you have other things to focus on apart from food!

With a healthy body, comes with it a heart full of expression and a spirit that resonates love!

Alignment of the Head and the Heart

This morning I listened to a free webinar organized by Adventures in Weight Loss by Annie Barkl, the psychologist who has worked closely with Graham Park as she too went on her own adventure.

It was amazing what she was saying was exactly how I was feeling! One of my previous entries about having a skewed perspective about myself was discussed and even Graham admitted that he too felt the same way when he had lost 40+kg as he looked at himself in the mirror.

Listening to this webinar has really given me more resolve to continue my adventure and not to let my head overrule my heart. This is an excerpt of the conversation my heart and my head has from time to time:

Head: "Man, sticking to this diet is tough. Are you sure it's worth it giving up the pizza, ice cream and fries?"

Heart: "I'm doing this for me. I am choosing to be healthy."

Head: "Healthy? Life is too short to start eliminating all the food that can make you feel good!"

Heart: "Life is not all about food! I am choosing to be in charge of my life and not let food dictate how I should feel!"

Head: "Yeah but you're like cringing at all the attention you're getting now that you have started losing all this weight. It makes you feel uncomfortable! And some people have said they preferred you fat! You were so much cuter when you were just chubby!"

Heart: "They are NOT living MY LIFE! I know you're trying to push my buttons. You're just old programming that needs to be altered! You have to understand, this is the beginning of the REST of MY LIFE!"

Head: "Man, I sure can see that you're really adamant about this thing."

Heart: "Yup, I am. And you know, I would really like you to be a part of this. You're really important to me. What say we work together?"

Head: "How?"

Heart: "I will keep the intention strong in my heart and you can help keep me focused using the head. How does that sound?"

Head: "You know, it sounds like you really know me well. That's my strength!"

Heart: "I have known you for a long time. I'm just getting to understand you better that's all. You and I have a deal?"

Head: "You bet! Let's see how this is going to turn out on 1 January!"

Heart: "Why 1 January?"

Head: "It's nice to look forward to something positive..."

Heart: "I can see you and I are going to make a GREAT team when we're aligned!"

I had intentionally put in some key things that I had picked out from listening to the webinar.

I really liked it when Annie said that next time, when sitting at a dinner table or any other meal for that matter is to sit there smiling to yourself like you have a secret. The secret is, the same time next year, it's going to be a slimmer, healthier and sexier you sitting at that table. Waaah... I can sure imagine that! The adventure continues!

It's all worth it because I'm worth it!

Commitment

I so love this poem! I am choosing to be committed on this adventure! And I am committed to my life!

Goethe "On Commitment"

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it.

Begin it now.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
1749-1832

My Mad Moment Sussed Out

In one of my previous entries, I had asked "What does a mad moment look like?" and by jove, I think I've got it! (very thick British accent)

According to the rules set out in this adventure, whenever you have a "mad moment", it will set your weight loss back by 5 days. Not sure of the science behind it but my semi-logical mind tells me that because you have been detoxing your body and the sudden rush of "chemicals" the body is not accustomed to will have an effect on the acceleration of metabolism as a result of the detox. It will slow down the burn that was created because the body is trying to figure out what are all these "new" foreign substances!

There are two versions of a "mad moment":

Version 1

When you pig out and eat with abandon!

Version 2

You don't pig out but at each meal or at each snack you say, "A little bit of this or that won't hurt." And then you keep doing it each time and have a little bit here and a little bit there. As they say, "Sikit-sikit, lama-lama jadi bukit!" Direct translation: "Bit by bit, after awhile it will turn into a hill!" And we go down the slope from there... It all adds up!

The concept of "a little bit won't hurt you" is a lovely reassuring concept, however, I realized that if I'm really serious about seeing results and I've worked so darn hard so far, is to just keep on going and ignore the voice inside my head that says, "a little bit won't hurt you, you've done so well so far!" Uhuh... not when you have another 20-30kg left to go!

I really would like to see the scale move down to 99.1kg please! That would be me hitting my 20kg mark equivalent to my second bag of rice. But because, and I will openly admit that I am human, I've been naughty last week with Version 2 of my mad moment(s), it's not moving fast enough.

So there, I should have been a good student and followed the rules to see results but I guess I needed to do it this way so that I could internalize the lesson faster! Again, not to judge myself or beat myself up, just learn the lesson and move on.

I was good today! 

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Now half-way through this adventure, a lot of changes are taking place with this body of mine. And one of those changes is, I'm losing my butt. Is it just me or is it flatter? When I was bigger, it was obviously rounder. I think someone had said they could sit a mug on top of it! I'm happy with the reduction in size but it doesn't look as "firm" as before. So I express this to some friends.

Elaine having introduced me to dancing suggested that we go for a walk at Bukit Shahbandar. Now I have an aversion to hills. I really think going up and down those hills are not good for my knees although I wonder if it's just a thought. On my Sunday morning, I agreed to go walking with her because she assured me it would be just a walk around the park.

There we were, 7:15am, it was slightly wet after the rain the night before and in the morning, the air felt fresh and I was dressed appropriately. We started walking around the park as she had suggested and there were some undulations here and there. It was manageable although I noticed I seemed to walk really slow! And then, she starts going up some steps.

Hmmm... I said, "I thought we're not going up?" 

And she replied, "These are just baby steps, you'll be fine."

They were definitely baby steps, what felt like a long way up though! My heart was pumping and my first thought was, "I'm so unfit!"

Elaine said, "Don't say that."

She's right. Change the languaging, "I'm getting fitter!"

Elaine then said, "Well you said you wanted to firm your butt and work on your legs!"

Ah yes... I recall saying that!

With that reminder, I kept my mouth shut, focused on what was ahead, being slow going up and down and at the same time being careful. I said a couple of affirmations in my head to keep me going and I started noticing the plants around me. We walked for an hour.

The reward for the day was the view of the sea meeting the horizon, with the fog on the top of the luscious green trees and Elaine saying to me, "You wouldn't have done this a year ago." Also a great big reminder, it feels great to be ALIVE!

She's right. I would have avoided doing this. And so now I am more mindful about what I say, because it will manifest itself in one or another! Next Sunday here I come!

A Skewed Perspective

To date I've lost up to 18kg so far and as I look at myself in the mirror, I find that I just see me as I normally see myself. What I'm trying to say is, I don't really see a smaller person looking back at me. I just see myself as big while others keep telling me I am shrinking in size. Now I know how those who have been deemed anorexic feel like.

Obviously being with this body for so long, you get used to what you see especially when you see yourself everyday. I have to keep on REMINDING myself that I've come so far. While I outwardly celebrate the success and soon the second bag of rice coming up, the way I see myself does not match the feelings of success.

Feeling this contradiction and having this awareness, I have decided to paste an affirmation on the mirror about my body so as to nourish it with love as it continues on this journey. Now the next practice is to look at myself in the eyes (while looking at the mirror) and to really celebrate the person that I am no matter the weight, the size, the shape, the height, the colour etc... 

Jennifer actually gave me this idea, which just didn't seem obvious to me because when I went to their place in Taipei, she had these affirmations I sent her through email stuck on her mirror. I thought it's a brilliant idea and all brilliant ideas ought to be practiced!

I got these affirmations from one of Louise Hay's books on affirmations.

I love my body

My body is a glorious place to live. I rejoice that I have chosen this particular body because it is perfect for me in this lifetime. It is the perfect size and shape and colour. It serves me so well. I marvel at the miracle that is my body. I choose the healing thoughts that create and maintain my healthy body and make me feel good. I love and appreciate my beautiful body!

I love my weight

I am the perfect weight for my self at this moment, It is exactly the weight that I have accepted for myself. I have the ability to change my weight if I desire. I choose the thoughts that keep me comfortable and satisfied with my body and its size. I love and appreciate my beautiful weight.

At the moment I'm listening to an audio CD by Louise Hay called 101 Power Thoughts and it's really brilliant! When I am present and paying attention to what she is saying (because sometimes the mind just drifts away), it just gives me those a-ha! moments and I do my best to internalize the affirmation. When I remember it, I just have to *smile*.

The Traveller in Me

I recently came back from Taiwan and I must say, it was tough for me. But some general tips for those who are on this adventure and are needing to travel:

*Don't mix the proteins
*Drink enough water
*Continue taking your supplements
*Bring your snacks with you at all times
*When eating at restaurants, order dishes that are cooked simply (i.e. grilled, steamed, baked...)

I did my best to stick to the general tips but given the situation I was in and the country I was visiting, I ended up becoming mostly vegetarian. Now people think that becoming a vegetarian it will help with the weight loss but the opposite was true in my case.

I was feeling quite stressed out that I could not follow my diet and at one point I broke down. It's so easy to go into blaming others when things don't go the way you would like it to be but later I realized that I was feeling angry with myself because I had allowed past thoughts to affect my present moment.

My past thought was that I had a fear about being fat again because I know what it feels like and so I thought me not following my diet meant that I would go fat all over again. So this fear really consumed me at that point in time. And to a certain extent, I had viewed the diet as fear-based too because it said if you had a "mad moment" it can set your weight loss back by 5 days.

How do you even define a "mad moment"? What does it look like? What effect will it have on the body? With the realization and questions I started asking, I stopped freaking out and focused on DOING MY BEST with the current circumstances I was in. And my holiday turned out much better!

By the time I got back to Brunei, I had put on weight by 1.3kg. A slight freak out while I was on the weighing scale but I brought myself back to what happened during Hari Raya and it was just to get back into the groove of the diet and all will be well. It turned out the extra 1.3kg was water retention because when I weighed myself the next day, I was back to the weight I had started off with when I went to Taiwan at 104kg!

Phewh!