Accepting Imperfection

I bought this book - The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie and reading the entry for 25 February it says:

" "Why do I always do this to myself?" asked a women who wanted to lose weight. "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie that wasn't on the diet. I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot. I felt so ashamed before I come to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly. Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."

Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect - whether in relationships, recovery or a specific task?

Whether we are judging ourselves or others, it's two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid. 

It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and we are doing is good enough. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.

Today I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling. "

Key Lessons for this Adventure:

1. It's ok that sometimes you slip from your food plan - just pick it up again and be proud of yourself for choosing to stay on track

2. Don't compare yourself to others of the results they are making versus your's. You can use other adventurers as sources of inspiration but never allow yourself to feel less than anyone. We are all different and responding to our individual food plans differently.

3. Surround yourself with people who believe in you more than you believe in yourself. They will give you the encouragement you need and help you boost your spirits to keep on going!

4. Accept what IS and accept and appreciate yourself for being the great being of light that you are. At the end of the day, it's up to you to make it happen. Your presence makes a difference to people's lives and you will be an inspiration to others!

5. You will reap the rewards... just be patient!

The Blurred Line

I have completed 6 months into this adventure! I have never stuck to something for so long in my entire life and I put that in the context of things related to my health. Apart from the weight loss, this too is something to be proud of!

And the line between "adventure" and "way of life" is starting to blur. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Either way, it's all a matter of perspective. All I know is, after conversations with Adib who is on his own adventure following a programme which works for him, we are not always perpetually on a "weight loss" programme. At the end of the day, it's all a HEALTH GAIN! And living the healthy life I'm living makes me feel good about myself! 

Message for Today

I was on my way somewhere one Saturday morning and at the Kiulap roundabout, while waiting in the queue to turn left, the van in front of me had a message which I thought was a good reminder for me and anyone else who is on their own adventure in weight loss. 

A message brought to you today by Vitagen!

It says: "Eat All Foods in Moderation."

Crystal Ball

I won the Brunei Speakers' Club International Speech Contest with my speech entitled "Crystal Ball" and it shared a little story about my weight loss. The next level is the Area Contest on 7 March where I will be competing against the members from the other Toastmasters Clubs in Brunei and normally the speakers would do the same speech but I think I'll be changing mine just to spice things up a bit.

Enjoy!

CRYSTAL BALL

When I was a child, I stumbled across this beautiful crystal ball. And believing in fairy tales and magic I asked this crystal ball, “Crystal ball, show me my future!”

Magically, the crystal ball showed me my life. One, I was slim and gorgeous. Two, I was filthy rich, living life like those in Hollywood! And the best part, I was married to the most handsome, most loving husband, any woman could ask for. I was the envy of all in the land of… my dreams!

Good evening contest chair, honourable judges, fellow Toastmasters and friends.

The crystal ball has absolutely been spot on. Only 1 out of the 3 things mentioned came true! Not bad. Where we now live in a time of economic recession and good men are becoming as scarce as oil, I would say I still did quite well.

Over the past few years, I have reflected what makes our life the way it is? Do we really need to seek the help of a crystal ball to see into our future? The truth is, you already know the answer. The magic is inside of you. You cannot and you do not rely on your crystal ball to tell you everything there is you need to know.

There are too many people who go through life waiting for things to happen. Or they wonder, what happened? Or those who actually make things happen. And that is you and I. We make things happen… when we choose to.

Growing up, my crystal ball began to predict a glum outlook of my life. It was telling me that I will always be fat and overweight. I began to find comfort in acknowledging this future predicted by my crystal ball. I over enjoyed and I overindulged in my eating habits. All social events were used for good company and an excuse to “celebrate” life! The adage of I live to eat, was somehow the only truth I knew. And exercise existed although it was limited to walking up the stairs from the car park to the office. I was truly living the life predicted by my crystal ball. I was meant to be overweight.

Then it came to a point in time where wake up calls happen and shattered the crystal ball into tiny pieces. Mine came at a point where I felt unwell and feverish. I visited the doctor and he took my blood pressure. His eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw the reading. I at the age of 30 years old was on the brink of being diagnosed with high blood pressure. In simple terms, I am in BIG trouble if I didn’t do anything especially someone of my size. Being overweight was already a problem. But being overweight and having high blood pressure can be life threatening. I did not expect this at all. My crystal ball didn’t warn me beforehand.

It was time to take action and mean it! I recreated a new crystal ball that projected an image of me slimmer, healthier and happier. I held this thought in my mind’s eye as I begun the process. It was not an easy journey and we must not get deceived that everything that we do will be challenge-free.

Throughout this weight loss program, I met many people who just don’t seem to understand or they make like they are weight loss experts even though they have not lost any weight themselves. Cutting back on my food intake was not a problem. And re-educating myself about healthy food was not the issue either. I can be pretty disciplined when I choose to. The little comments that people make frustrate me. Just the other day, at a dinner party, I had fruit instead of cake and ice cream and one of my friends said to me upfront, “Is that all you’re having? So boring.” When he was well aware I was on an eating plan.

And another time, a friend I was having dinner with, said to me, “Go on have some it won’t hurt.” When it fact it would.

Another friend one time said to me, “Rozana, are you sure that’s your portion. No more for you!” And he took the food away from me! When in fact I didn’t have enough to eat.

At each moment, I wanted to cry because I had been doing my best to follow my eating plan and it was a choice that I had made for myself and they think they knew better than me. I didn’t take it personally. What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger.

Whatever we choose to do, there will always be ups and downs. Fortunately for me, there were many downs. I saw the numbers on the weighing scale go down, down, down. And in 5 months, from 119kg, I became 89kg. That’s 30kg in 5 months along with a loss in total body measurement of over 50cm, it was unimaginable!

The walking result stands before you today. I made my own future. I created the life I was looking to lead. I took action. In the end, it was up to me to make it happen. I didn’t need a crystal ball to tell me what I can be, do or have in life. All I needed was a strong intention that was driven purely from the heart.

What about you? Will you be the one who will go through life waiting for things to happen or even wonder what happened? Or will you be the one who chooses to make things happen? You don’t need a crystal ball. The magic comes from within you. It comes from following your heart to manifest your dreams and desires. As Helen Keller said, "Beautiful things are not only seen by the eyes, but is also felt by the heart." So long as we carry our hearts with us and take action, we will never ever need a crystal ball.

Slim = Serious?

I paid a visit to my old office yesterday afternoon to attend a meeting and I met some of my colleagues who were amazed with how much weight I had lost. One good friend of mine asked me how I did it so I elaborated that carbohydrates especially rice, noodles and pasta were a NO-NO. And I got the same response from her as everyone else. "I can't live without rice!" 

I had a chat with her about life in general and she says I was not my usual cheerful self. Not like who I used to be when we worked together. I started thinking is it because:

a. I had grown up?

b. My environment now is different?

c. I am slimmer and I feel like I don't have to make up for my physical appearances by standing out by being cheerful and happy?

I know I feel I don't have to "try so hard" in order to be noticed. I somehow attract attention. I do feel that I am just being myself more and more now. And in the mirror, I still see the same girl I've been seeing all these years.

I stepped on the weighing scale today. Still making progress!

New Top

I wore a new top to work last Friday and in the mirror I looked alright. Although I was concerned about my tummy showing. I've had this top for awhile now but I didn't dare wear it because worried about the folds (or love handles) would show since it is a fitted shirt. So I thought now after some weeks, the top looks fine on me. And Farhanna decided to take a photo of me but showing me what I looked like from behind.

I got lots of compliments yet I'm very critical of myself from what I see from the photo. I will not highlight my "flaws". However, I decided to just wear the top the whole day and carried myself with confidence. I think that is the key to "wearing" your clothes and that is to wear it with confidence!

A New Spin

A new spin on the recent quote in the previous entry and this is thanks to another friend - Adib! I modified it a little bit for me.

No food tastes as good as feeling fit, healthy, 

enthusiastic and full of zest & energy!

There had to be more than just being slim! This is the ultimate intention!

Creating Debate

Tazio shared with me a quote last night:

No food tastes as good as keeping slim

And so I shared this quote on my Facebook page and there are mixed responses. I think it just goes to show, people will always need a context to work with so I felt like I needed to explain myself. Although perhaps that might not have been necessary? I am the one accountable to myself. Not to anyone else.

So back to last night...

We were talking about keeping focused because I am honestly faltering slightly. I've been on this adventure for coming 5 months and that's even longer than being on any exercise or fitness programme! So I feel like, I can "reward" myself. This relates to one of my previous entries about eating when stressed. So I'm eating the things I can eat but the quantity has increased a little bit. No wonder then the weight loss may not be as fast as before. And this is coupled with people telling me all I have to do is just lose another 1-2kg more to go because I already look good which truthfully I still have 21.4kg left to go. I am fighting with myself and my urges because on the one hand I think, why should I now try so hard because I already look good when on the other side of it, I still have some way to go and this in the long run is good for me.

So all these voices in my head, it is affecting me. And it's a good thing I had a chat with Tazio yesterday to keep me focused. He reminded me that it's all going to be worth it and that I should not sabotage myself because I've done so well. But believe me, I was drooling over Cath's home baked banana cake with icing and her yummy looking chocolate cake and Brian was serving it with ice cream!  I actually just wanted to have a taste, so it took A LOT of willpower not to pick up even the crumbs!

In the words of Yoda, "Persist, you must."

It's Moving!

After a number of weeks (maybe it was 2 or 3 weeks) where the scale just didn't budge from 91.x, it has finally moved into the 90.x range! Yippee! Whatever it is, just keep it up! For a minute there, I was starting to feel a bit "BLAH" because after seeing the numbers on the scale drop so fast in the beginning, not seeing the same result was making me wonder what I was doing wrong. So I had to learn to focus and remember that it's the journey and not the destination that matters, as long as I feel good that's what counts the most and weight is not the only factor to see results, my measurements also count and they're going down down down... 

I hope I'm not jumping the gun with this post because it's still early in the week and the weight come Monday morning is what matters to me. There are a few events to attend this week involving food. See how I do!

Two Hours!

I couldn't believe it. Our Sunday morning walk at Bukit Shahbandar extended to two hours! Apparently we did only 2 hills and the rest was just a "flat" terrain... it was not that flat! I felt good. No aching joints. Perhaps it helped that I went for an infra red sauna and a hot stones massage straight after! 

This morning I weighed myself and I'm back down to 91.2kg