Buying Queen

I tried rotating the photo upright but it is not co-operating!

Photo Insert: My new wardrobe.

I have lost count how many dresses I have bought over the span of the months I have been on this adventure. It all started with a dress I bought in KL in October and up to dresses I bought from Shane's shop Dainty (@ The Mall Gadong) because of a discount for my birthday. Actually, I could count them, if I chose to! 

I was sharing with some friends that the first time I could actually wear a dress and the fact that I could walk into a shop and not look for a plus size section was a really emotional moment for me. I almost teared up. All this time I have been envious of seeing others wearing frilly, floaty, girly, elegant dresses and NOW I can wear them! 

Also, some conversations I have had lately has brought a realization that previously, shopping was just buying anything that FIT as opposed to it looking good. There were so many times where I walked into a shop, headed for the section that sold the bigger sizes, looked at the rack for anything "big enough", tried it on, thought it looked OK and then make the purchase for the sake of buying "something". I am so grateful those days are OVER! I now have the choice to buy clothes because it looks GOOD on me!

Zana@Pictureworkz

A total weight loss of 30++kg and another photo shoot to commemorate this momentous occasion!

A totally different look and feel thanks to the talented artists behind the camera...

Make Up - Andre
Hair - Moore
Photographer - Jeff Ng (http://www.jeffviewfinder.com) and the other Jeff!

Thank you guys for the time you took that night to make me feel and be beautiful! Hugs!

And thank you to the two cheerleaders - Genevieve and Josephine for being there for me!

I will not lie...

I will not lie.

I have not been doing too well on my adventure. The scale has been fluctuating between 84.x, 85 and 86.x kg. This has been going on for maybe 2 months or so now.

I succumb to moments whereby I eat things which I'm not supposed to eat.

Believe me, guilt and fear settles in quite quickly. I fear about going back to my previous size, not being able to fit into the beautiful dresses that I now can wear and above all, looking like a failure in front of others who now see me as a success. I dwell in the negativity because it makes me feel that I don't have to own the problem and believe that there is something else out there I can blame rather than take responsibility for the consequences of my actions. 

So what do I blame? I blame my hormones. I blame stress. I blame the cold air conditioning in my office. I blame that other people make the food look so good. I blame the food for being placed in front of me the first place. And the list goes on and on...

I had an emotional moment last Saturday. I cried my eyes out. Why did I cry? I cried because I felt like a failure since the scale had not shifted in a long while. And while I knew, I was the one who caused that, my ego didn't want to accept it. 

I spoke to Ley Hian who seemed to understand the turmoil I was going through even though she herself had never had the need to embark on her own weight loss adventure, she has an adventure of her own in terms of her health and life in itself.

Now, rather than asking, "What's wrong with me?" or "Why am I so bad?" I have learned from Ley Hian to now start asking different questions such as "Moving forward, what can I do which is best for me?" or "What can I do which does not involve eating to resolve my emotions?"

I realized that it is time I took responsibility for my actions. I caused the numbers on the weighing scale not to go down. I chose to eat oily potato chips as part of my snacks. I chose to indulge in a little bit here and there thinking that it won't hurt but knowing time and time again, it will. It was all me.

The interesting thing is, when I have this awareness, and I eat those chips with consciousness, it's such a strange feeling. My mind is telling me, "You're actually eating something you're not supposed to eat!" And another part of me answers, "Yes I am. I am responsible for the consequences of the decisions that I make." Does it make things instantly better there and then? Not really. But at least now, I know that there is no one to blame. It is all up to me to make it happen once again.

Asking the right questions can really change your life... 

Moving forward, what do I do now which best serves me?

Shane & Zana - Before & After

Finally - a photo of Shane who is the Consultant for Adventures in Weight Loss in Brunei. I remembered I mentioned to her I had a photo of the 2 of us taken in 2008 and in 2010, we went to the same place and took another photo of ourselves and what a difference!

Keep it up Shane! You inspire me to keep on going...!

Shane & Zana in 2008 - Way Before the Adventure Began!

Shane & Zana in 2010 - After Embarking on the Adventure!

Starting Over

After 4 months of not really here nor there with the food plan and after having a weekend where I was eating things I was not supposed to eat, I have resolved to start over my food plan and follow it with dedication and commitment that I experienced when I first started this adventure.

And with this intention in mind, I have this feeling inside where I believe that I will lose weight once again and that by month end of May, I will be seeing some positive results. I will be on my way to success the way I had intended it to be!