An Adventure Within Another Adventure!

I will be going away for my annual retreat in Mendocino via San Francisco and Napa Valley! I've not really explored San Francisco, not sure if we have the time but still I will see what I can squeeze in and I've not explored Napa Valley either. And even though I've been to Mendocino 3 times, there's always something new to discover!

Now whenever it comes to travel, I find it a little bit challenging having to figure how to eat this and that, getting the portions right, making sure I still have a variety to eat etc... in that sense it's an adventure because you just have to keep on trying and doing your best to stick with the program!

There will be one thing I will miss which I can't have while I am away on my travels and that is the YUMMY hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. At least I save US$3 during breakfast and dinner!

The Biggest Loser

I heard a lot about The Biggest Loser Asia and I managed to catch one episode the other week which was the first episode where they were choosing the 16 contestants out of 30. As the group of 30 went through the physical challenge which involved 3 minutes of a variety of exercises, I could feel the level of emotion that was surging through the TV screen. I could FEEL with them, the pain they were going through, how hard their hearts were beating, the sweat pouring down their faces, how they were aching from the sudden surge of physical activity... When I saw the contestants cry, I wanted to cry too. I KNOW what it is like. I've been there.

This thought has been going through my mind, about when people ask me HOW do I lose weight. Actually everyone has a pretty good awareness about what they need to do to lose weight. They understand it's a combination of watching what you eat plus exercise. In the hopes of asking this question though, I become aware that they could be looking for a MIRACLE. How can it be done painlessly and quickly? Of course the obvious answer is that there's no such thing and everything is a matter of perspective. If you think it's painful, then it's painful. How do you define the word "fast"? It's all relative.

I went to check The Biggest Loser website - http://biggestloserclub.asia and you sign up for a monthly membership. It's similar to the Adventures in Weight Loss (http://www.adventuresinweightloss.com) I'm on and requires a one time payment. The Biggest Loser looks at a combination of food and exercise together. Adventures in Weight Loss looks at a customized food plan based on your blood profile and encourages exercise too. The tools they use (food diary, menu plan, exercise plans) are almost the same except it's all online which I like because I am becoming an online girl.

However, the key to making anything work and perhaps I have stressed this before is really about commitment and discipline. With commitment and discipline, whatever you do can go a LONG way! It does not matter what weight loss program you sign up for so long as you have commitment and discipline. One reminder is, don't sign up for something that will hurt you in the long run. It is meant to help you, not deter you for living a great life. Figure out what will work best for you in terms of money, time and the level of effort based on the time that you have and the complexity of the program. So starving yourself is not going to help. Exercising until you hurt a body part is not going to help you. Be sensible about this. It took you so long to put on the weight, so shedding it is going to take some time too. Have patience. I tell myself that everyday... (right now fighting off many cravings!)

The miracle will be discovering that deep down inside, you have that commitment and discipline! You can do it! If the contestants on The Biggest Loser can do it and show their will and determination to millions of viewers and at the same time reminding us they are still human, so can YOU!

You lost 6kg right?

I attended a wedding over the weekend and I have comments from friends who say I keep on shrinking. I am not too sure or very conscious over the shrinking factor. All I revel in the fact is that my baju kurung that used to show my shape is now looser and I enjoy the extra space!

I was happily eating the food prepared (of course in accordance to the food plan or at least "close to" it) and one my table companions said to me, "You lost so much weight!"

And I said to her, over a piece of fish, "Yes, I have."

She then replies, "You lost 6kg right?"

I put my piece of fish down on the plate, paused and turned to look at her. I see she was holding her spoon after scooping some soup and held it there until I answered. I replied, "Errr... actually I lost 23kg."

She puts the soup spoon down, "Wow! 23kg! How did you do it?"

I was amused. People didn't think I was that big or that heavy in the first place because of my height. And also, it's hard to comprehend to actually hear that someone has lost more than 10kg! Losing 5kg IS already an achievement, a celebration when it's 10kg but a great party when it's 20kg! It should probably be declared a public holiday when I lose 50kg!

Another reminder not to take it for granted how far I've come. I've been fighting cravings over the long weekend. And when I stepped on the weighing scale this morning, I'm now 94.9kg. That's a total weight loss of 24.2kg!

Shane & Mio Ting, if you're reading this, I can't find my measuring tape!

Re-Training the Taste Buds

I took the opportunity to take my mum out for lunch yesterday. We went to a Japanese restaurant where the food choices I feel are suitable for this adventure. Of course you have to know what to order and how much to order. Also being mindful they might use MSG in their cooking.

I had been craving for sushi the past few days. (Blame it on the hormones!) I thought I would allow myself some. All orders made had NO rice.

But as my mum and I sat there eating, she said, "It doesn't taste as good as it used to." I thought about what she said and I wondered, am I eating the food for the sake of eating or am I really tasting it? And the sushi tasted just tasted "ok". Nothing spectacular. No fireworks. 

In the evening, I had dinner at home and I ate steamed tofu with a spicy sauce and stir fried green vegetables and it was super YUMMY! It was so simple yet very refreshing. 

I think one of the great things about being on this adventure is, as you learn to eat healthy, your taste buds are very sensitive and you can just experience the flavours, the freshness, the real taste of the food. It's not camouflaged in artificial flavours. You are getting the real deal! 

I can now appreciate different types of tea - the flavours are amazing, the smells are intoxicating... I really love a raw salad where the crunchiness, the freshness and the lightness of it all combined together makes me happy! I crave for grilled chicken with microwaved broccoli sprinkled with cracked black pepper...

It's a really different appreciation of food and I am liking it very much!

Feeling Dry

I've not been drinking enough water. My cheeks are so dry! And on Monday I actually had a sore throat from lack of water intake.

Imperative for optimal weight loss and for the removal of toxins is to drink at least 2 litres of water a day which is a habit I have not yet solidified.

I remember I once went to this holistic clinic in Singapore and that time it was a different kind of diet that I went through which I was not too successful because probably that time I was not ready. After filling out a long application form, one of the prescribed ways to lose weight was for me to drink 3.2 litres of water a day! I worked it out to be a mug of water every hour.

I didn't sustain in doing so because it meant I would keep on going to the bathroom which I did in the beginning but I read somewhere that your body will adjust after 6 months and that you will go to the bathroom much less.

I remember my friends used to say, "Love yourself, make sure you go when you need to go! Don't hold it in!"

It's funny they say that but it's so true! Taking care of your body as unit requires so many other parts in order to make it all work together!

What have you done for yourself lately?

I was speaking to one of the adventurers today and she said to me that her husband is really proud of her for choosing to go on this adventure. It's not so much about the actual weight loss but it's more of acknowledging that she is doing something for herself and it's something really good for her too.

She is a full time mum, wife, daughter, sister and employee (and other roles). A person can get so caught up fulfilling all these roles that the one person they least pay attention to is themselves! The people in your life are important, definitely! But you are just as important too!

I recall a conversation I had with a close relative of mine. I was encouraging her to go on this adventure but she said that things at work are just too much and she wouldn't be able to cope. Work will always be there and you take care of your work but will your work take care of you? If you are not well, you will not be able to do your work. If you are not well, you will not be able to be the best of mums. If you are not well, you will not be able to take care of your husband. And so on and so forth...

Will you do something for yourself one of these days? A small step can go a long way. It's about acknowledging the greatness and the potential that you possess. I got this quote from Linda:

"Do not fail yourself by failing to act on the greatness in you. 

Learn to live a heroic life!"

And you will be able to do so much more for yourself and for others!

It Feels Good...

Truth be told, I've not done any physical activity for awhile. Perhaps a contradiction to one of my earlier posts about having more energy... I'm just choosing to use my energy for other things! And I'm human after all but today, after a 2 or was it 3 week hiatus, I've finally gone back to dancing with a different teacher. My first two teachers have left Brunei and I had to make a choice who I wanted to learn from. 

I'm back to learning latin dancing and some social dancing and I really like this dance instructor. It felt really good to be twirling and spinning on the dance floor and having that feeling where I don't have two left feet. Joel was perspiring more than I was! I'm sure my sweat glands will be working again. In the middle of doing the cha cha cha, because I had to get the footwork right, I could feel cramps in my calves! Luckily it went away and I survived 1.5 hours on the dance floor!

Unfortunately his schedule is quite packed, so I can only see him once a week which means I will need to figure out what else I can fit in. There's all the breathing exercises I've learned from voice class and that should work on flattening my tummy!

I've been feeling quite tense the past few days and doing physical activity definitely helps to release all this tension! I sometimes wonder what takes me so long to get back to doing things which I know is actually good for me. Another lesson to learn as I go on this adventure!

I look forward to my next class! 

Welcome to the Family!

Today I sat with two adventurers from Brunei who recently signed up for the program and have received their personalized eating plans. I will not reveal who they are unless they don't mind me mentioning their names. I took them through the contents of the folder and I guess they felt the same way I did when I first received the folder. There's definitely excitement at the fact that they will lose the weight (can you imagine being 10-20kg lighter?) but also there is the "can I really do it?" feeling.

It's so strange being in this position where you tell them that YES you definitely can! If you asked me this 14-15 weeks ago I think I would have told you otherwise but being a walking testimonial is something I need to get used to! It also holds me highly accountable for my actions. "Act with Integrity" was the phrase in my head today.

So I shared with one adventurer this evening that one of the factors of success is the people that you are with or your environment. I told her to surround herself with people who believe in her more than she believes in herself. It's so strange. As human beings, we sure discount ourselves a lot and there are reasons to developing these thought patterns but I won't get into that. I said to her that if my parents were not supportive of what I was going through, this adventure would be A LOT harder! Instead I have a dad who buys only food that I CAN EAT! (Well he does buy other things but I don't reach out to them now.) I have a mum who cooks for me at times and makes sure it's what I CAN EAT! I have friends who say to me, "You choose where you want to go eat and we'll just follow." I have colleagues who don't offer me any snacks because they know I'm on a diet and they want me to be successful. And it goes on and on...

When people around you see the resolve that you have to be on this adventure, they will give you a lot of respect and admire you for your determination and will understand how much it means to you. They somehow or rather in their own way will support you and they believe you are capable of achieving it!

Of course there are those who are just unconscious with their words and actions that may actually deter you on this adventure but at the end of the day, you have a target, you know what you want to achieve, you chose to be on this, whatever they say it goes in one ear and out the other and take comfort and pride that you are going through a life changing experience! Believe me, it's all worth it because YOU are WORTH IT!

P.S. Girls, if you need to talk to someone, I'm there for you!

Back or Breasts?

I now send an email to Shane of my measurements on a weekly basis. It's a requirement of this adventure so as to make sure the eating plan is working out for you. And the other day, I measured my chest and it's gone down another 3 cm!

So I sms Shane, "Shane my boobs are shrinking!"

She replies, "hehe! It's not your breasts la, it's your back!"

Oh... I knew that! *phewh*

Definitely the back is going down. I can feel the line and the curve. I can't describe it but you will know when you run your fingers down by back... if you ever have the chance! 

Manifestation

25 September 2009 - Yvonne's Wedding...

I see Jason Ong a very talented photographer who set up Masamichi Studio snapping away photos for Yvonne's wedding. I thought to myself, "hmmm... it would be good to have my photos taken when I lose some weight." 

Jason snaps away into the night and on passing I say to him, "By end of this year, I will be going to you to have my photos taken."

In the middle of him fiddling with his camera, he looks up at me and says, "Ok."

Fast forward, 20 kg lighter, 29 November 2009 - Yvonne's Birthday over lunch at Excapade...

"Girls, are we still going to do a photo shoot with Jason?" I say to Yvonne and Ley Hian.

Yvonne replies, "Sure! Why not?"

Ley Hian chips in, "I've never done a photo shoot before, what do we do? When do we do it? I have to make sure it's in my diary."

I nod in agreement to Ley Hian's question and statement.

Yvonne looks at the both of us and said, "I've done it before, it's really lots of fun! I'll call Jason and make arrangements."

9 in the morning,on a BEAUTIFUL day in December 2009 - Getting Pampered...

Yvonne made bookings for the 3 of us at Rozad, her usual pampering place.

Yvonne gets her hair washed, steamed and blow dried and has her nails done.

Ley Hian gets her hair washed, blow dried and her nails done.

I get my hair washed, blow dried and make up done.

Esther, the make up artist, says to me, "You have beautiful eyes, how about I 'deepen' your eyes?"

I was feeling somewhat worried about this whole make up experience because I did NOT want to look different and I wanted to make sure my neck colour matches my face! I emphasized to her, "I want the make up really, really light! I'm ok you with you emphasizing the eyes... I think!"

One hour later and several layers of colour, Esther says to me, "I'll put on the eyelashes ok?"

I shook my head, "no way!" Why would I need to wear fake eyelashes? But she convinces me that it will make the look complete. I concede. We were already running late.

11:30am, Masamichi Studio - Models for the Day...

I have never "modeled" ever in my life. We've been posers for the camera definitely! Watching seasons and seasons of America's Next Top Model certainly helped! I had Tyra Bank's voice, plus Jay and the other guy who was always there at photo shoots helping out the models what to do.

It also helps that I did this with Yvonne and Ley Hian. We've done a lot together as a group. And it definitely helps that Jason is Yien Yien's brother! We know Yien Yien well so the connection helps. At least the comfort level is higher than if I went for a total stranger.

Jason made it so easy for all of us. I must say he is very observant and very experienced or either that very intuitive because he seemed to know what worked for us or what didn't work for us which I appreciated greatly! I felt good standing there in my different outfits and doing various poses. I was conscious of certain things like my arms and my tummy. But overall I was blown away when I looked at the photos from the camera that I actually looked small!

And the result of the photos of the whole shoot were brilliant! He has yet to touch them up. I can't imagine how else they would look touched up because to me they are already perfect! 

Appreciations...

Thank you Jason for being part of manifesting my dreams to become a reality.

Thank you Yvonne and Ley Hian for always being there supporting me in every way.

Thank you to the girls at Rozad for making me look really super.

Thank you to all my friends who are great supporters as I go on this adventure! You all have made such a big difference in your own ways.

Final Thoughts

Doing this photo shoot has got me thinking of how it will help me keep track of my progress. I've been setting myself 10kg milestones. Each time I lose 10kg I would go out to buy something as a reminder of what I have done. The first 10kg it was easy to buy a bag and a pair of shoes but I'm not out for material things. After doing the photo shoot, it dawned upon me that it's such a good way to retain memories of how successful I've been and really appreciating and celebrating me! I can't wait till the next photo shoot!

Please see the photo album "Manifestation" to see the whole set of photos.

Manifestation

I've imported this album from Facebook so I can share with you the results of the photoshoot I did with Yvonne and Ley Hian in the second week of December (2009).

These photos were taken by Jason Ong at Masamichi Studio.

Location:
Unit 28, Block B, 1st Floor, Delima Square, Kg Delima Satu, Muara, Brunei, BB4713

Phone:
Jason 8736473/ Michelle 8732628

Mon - Sat:
10:00 am - 6:00 pm

Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win

I was looking through my friend's blog and came across this poem which I loved when I was much younger. This reminds me about what Clovis said the other night, going up the hill is always so much harder than going down because when you go down, you can slide all the way down and it's a lot faster!

Relating that to this adventure, just wanting to reach that target weight seems like a really long process! And of course challenging since food food food is everywhere! Imagine, if we give up now, it will be so easy for us to fall back to the unhealthy state we were trying so hard to get ourselves out of. Do we want that to happen? It's all up to us to make that choice.

This is now our chance to break that cycle and those patterns! 

Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst, that
You Must Not Quit.

- C. W. Longenecker

The Doctor Would Like to Speak to You...

*mobile phone rings*

"Hello, Siti Rozana?"

"Yes, speaking."

"I'm calling from D. Lim Clinic."

"Yes?"

"Your blood test results are here, the doctor would like to speak to you. Can you come in tomorrow?"

"Yes. See you tomorrow."

PANIC - words ringing in head "... the doctor would like to speak to you..."

*sms Shane*

"Shane! My blood test results are ready, the doctor says he wants to speak to me. Should I be worried?"

"Aiyah, you ah. No lah. I'm sure the results are good and he's just probably wondering how you did it. You tell him about the program lah. Give him the website address."

"Hmmm... ok lah. Thanks! :)"

*visit to clinic*

"Hi doctor!"

"Hi. Ok let's have a look at your results here... (he explains everything...)"

"Ummm... can we compare this to the results I took last time?"

"Sure. Ok your cholesterol has improved!"

"Cool!"

"Just keep up with what you're doing, you're on the right track!"

"Thank you! See you again in a few more weeks for another blood test!"

Shane is 10kg Lighter!

I received a text message from Shane today:

"Today is the best day!!! I lost exactly 10kg today!! Wow"

CONGRATULATIONS SHANE!

And she has lost 39cm in total all over!

And and... she can fit into her 10 year old jeans and looks really hot too!

I should get her picture up here. There's actually a recent picture of both of us taken by Jojo... if only I can get that picture up here and put up an old picture of us which I have from one of our trips, then you guys can really see the difference of how this adventure is really changing our lives!

A note for those who are wanting to go on this adventure, individual results do vary so don't be hard on yourself if you are not losing weight fast enough or the measurements don't go down around your thighs/butt/chest/arms. We are all different human beings, responding to things differently. Just focus on feeling GOOD and know that you are changing your life for the BETTER!

The Light

I actually posted an album of the photo shoot I did on Facebook and it's only open to my friends. I am overwhelmed with the response I have received!

I will share some photos here soon. And it's really weird, I started questioning myself why did I do such a thing? What was I trying to prove? What was my intention? Am I setting myself up for failure by sharing to the world this is what I have achieved and so let's see how far I'll make it? 

So I text Clovis and he said, "No you're not setting yourself up for failure. You are looking to go to the higher, next level of self. Just need getting used to. You are doing great. Just BE and stop thinking. Hugs"

And he followed up with a phone call today (so sweet!) He said, not to be afraid of "the light" within me. The pain-body (please read Eckhart Tolle "A New Earth" to understand this concept) would like for me to continue being in pain and therefore, doing it's best to convince me that losing weight is not a good thing. Somewhere in my psyche has told me over the years I have been growing up that there is a benefit to being overweight. Something had triggered the eating, the weight gain and that it is important to identify what was the trigger so that I can acknowledge it and then let it go. He also mentioned that in this position, it is important to practice affirmations so that I condition my mind to accept what I see in the mirror. 

I must admit, while he was saying all this to me, I felt really uncomfortable but I knew what he was trying to tell me. It wasn't really me that was feeling uncomfortable, it was just my ego - Ms. Pain-Body. I totally understand what I need to go through. And in order for me to accept "the light" in totality of who I am, then this is the process.

By sheer coincidence, the Universe was obviously trying to drive this message into me. I received a phone call from Lee all the way from Kuching. And I repeated to him how I felt and actually I felt like crying. Weird. It's as if I'm denying myself from feeling good about myself. He said the same thing Clovis said, "Don't be afraid of the light..."

So I felt inspired to dig out one of Linda's favourite poems by Marianne Williamson which is a GREAT reminder for me to accept "the light" that radiates so brightly from within me and to acknowledge this is who I am and who I deserve to be!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. 

Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

 It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).

No Desire

I had a really full day! I had one of my dreams manifested and that was to do a photo shoot! More about the photo shoot in the next entry...

What I realized from having such a full day, at least for me, was that when I am really focused on something, I don't think about food! I was so occupied with changing clothes, posing, having the photos taken, chatting and so on that I didn't really think about food. Well no, that's a lie. I did think about food but there was no time to actually go grab some in the midst of the happy hustle and bustle. So I missed my snacks (yes, you are allowed to snack on this adventure but only certain snacks!) and went straight to lunch.

It got me thinking while I am at the office or at home, but more so in the office. While I'm working, I'm thinking (perhaps too much) and in that thought process, I spot my snacks beside me and all I want to do is eat them! It's like you have this programming within you that you must eat it since it's there. And I guess that must mean I am not completely focused with what I'm doing... a-ha! Good awareness!

We had lunch and then attended the Brunei Australia Alumni Association where they were having a food fair! On hindsight, I should have taken a photo to show you of the yummy spread on the table complete with labels brought by all the talented chefs who really made the effort in presenting the food! But I didn't. And it's because I had no desire to eat any of it. One of the few reasons was that I just had lunch so I was still feeling full and as my afternoon progressed, I still had no desire. Not even a single bit of craving! I appreciated looking at all the beautiful food but my taste buds just did not respond.

What a fascinating experience! I settled for cold water and good conversation with friends. I kept myself occupied and my focus was not on the food. It was more on the people and my surroundings. 

And I have this quote which I think pretty much sums things up:

"Idle hands are the devil's playthings." 

According to Yahoo! Answers it means - "When you are bored and have nothing to do, you will find things to entertain yourself which can lead to mischief!" 

Snacking is a result of finding "something" to do and it's not bad if the snacks are healthy. Just be wary of what you put inside of you. There is only one body and only one lifetime to live. Take good care of what you have.

Not Taking it for Granted

I have been thinking and this thought has been in my head the past few days about not taking things for granted. 

Once upon a time, I used to weigh 80kg. That was the time where I was studying in England and I discovered the joy of aerobics, walking and realizing that I have control over my food. So I did aerobics 5 times a week, walked everywhere I went and ate normally.

What I realized about my body was that I was still BIG and needed to lose more when in actual fact I was already small. I didn't have any awareness at all about my body!

Being in Brunei, I put on weight because at that time the only way to spend time with people was to eat eat eat. I noticed I was putting on weight but didn't think too much about it. My awareness about my body was still low.

Then I decided to repeat this pattern of mine. I invested in a personal trainer, a gym membership and at the gym 5 times a week where on the weekends I would work out for 3 hours. This time the scale did not go down but I was getting smaller. It must have been all the muscle! I was eating really healthy or was I starving myself? All I remember is that if I had not eaten in a while, I would start to shake. I was more or less an ok size. And then... I fell down half a flight of stairs, hurt my foot really bad and it took so long to recover that I lost the momentum of going to the gym.

I'm not sure what was going through my mind but there was low awareness about the body and the food I was consuming. I got bigger. And I love to wear black! (In fact I still like to wear black but now I'm not so shy to wear more colours.)

Until *bang* I hit the 120kg mark, it hurt when I walked or stood too long, my blood pressure was on the border of going into the high range and each time I go to the doctor for any reason, they would give me some sort of look... The kind that says "If you know what's good for you, go lose weight!"

So after 3 years of fighting with myself, I finally took action by going on this adventure. And I am very grateful that I am now more aware of my body because now I recognize I am getting smaller and I am choosing not to repeat the patterns which I put myself through a couple of years ago. I am still critical of what I see in the mirror but I think that will disappear over time. I really don't want to take me for granted and to throw away all this hard work. I am 97.5 kg and I am proud of it so far!

The Rice Giving Ceremony

Today's rice giving ceremony involves the following steps:

1. Pick up the two bags of rice and take a picture with it because next time you might be taking a picture with 3 or 4 bags!

 

2. Carry the two bags of rice downstairs without any help (to remind yourself that this was how much you used to carry!)

3. Place the two bags of rice in the vehicle of the person receiving the rice.

4. Take a picture of the person receiving the rice looking very happy!

I hope you and your family enjoy the rice Intan! 

Work In Progress

Before

After

Thank you for the new top and belt Haslina!

That's Two Bags of Rice!

Yesterday when I stepped on the weighing scale, I came in at 98.4kg! When I first started, I was 119.1kg. So I am really pleased with my progress. And these were the results I sent to Shane on 30 November as I enter week 12:

Chest: 112cm

Thigh: 71cm

Hips: 116cm

Waist: 91cm

Arm: 39cm

Total: 429cm

Total lost since start: 26.9cm

So again, another physical reminder for me about how far I have come is to remind myself of the two bags of rice on days I feel like giving in. The two bags of rice in the photo will soon be donated to my friend for the family's consumption! It's too heavy for me to carry up and down the stairs. I can't even believe that's how much I used to carry on myself everywhere!

Thank you Mummy for taking the photo!

One Hundred & Ten Over Seventy

I went to the doctor yesterday to get my blood test done. On this adventure you must go get a blood test every 6 weeks to see if there are any improvements in your blood profile. I missed the first 6 weeks and now on my second 6 weeks, I was ready to go for it. It's important that you fast 10-12 hours before the blood test so that you can get accurate readings on the following:

1. Lipid Profile (Total Cholesterol, HDL Cholesterol, LDL Cholesterol, Cholesterol/HDL Ratio and Triglycerides)
2.  Diabetes Mellitus Profile (Glucose)
3. Liver Profile (Total Bilirubin, Total Protein, Albumin, Globulin, A/G Ratio, SGPT/ALT, SGOT/AST, Gamma GT, Alkaline Phosphatase, Lactate Dehydrogenase)
4. Kidney Profile (Sodium, Potassium, Chloride, Urea)
5. Serum Creatinine (Creatinine)

This is actually just the basic blood test and most clinics will offer it in a package.

I look forward to receiving my blood test in a couple of days and to make a comparison from when I first did the blood test prior to going on this adventure.

Dr. Lim also took my blood pressure and I was so happy when he told me it's 110/70! Normal range is 120/80. I still remember when it was the time I was running around busy helping out with Rozi's wedding in June that my blood pressure was 180/90! I recall I was so upset that I cried...

Now, progress has been made and I'm so pleased with myself!

Dedicated to Caryn

Caryn calls me "Bunny" in the office because she sees me as an Energizer Bunny!

Thank you Caryn for making it a self-fulfilling prophecy!

As I have heard somewhere before, words have the power to create or to destroy. Everyone be mindful of what you have to say! And who you say it to including yourself!

On this adventure, always choose to say "I AM beautiful, slim and healthy!" And it will all come true...

*hoppity hop*hoppity hop*hoppity hop*hop*hop*

The Journey With No Destination

I had actually wanted to save this cartoon until the day I reached my target weight but now my perspective has changed. Read on...

Today Ley Hian pointed out that I am on a journey with no destination. And in fact, we are all on some journey without a destination. You might think this seems odd... but I understand her perspective.

When I started this adventure, all I ever focused on was losing that 40-50-60kg because all I ever cared about was seeing results and see the numbers on the scale moving down. But Ley Hian asked me, "After you reach your target weight, then what?" To which I replied, "Well I move on to phase 2." 

And then what happens after phase 2? There's phase 3. Then what happens after phase 3? There's the rest of your life.

So come to think of it, even though you have this target weight to achieve, you still have to keep on going no matter what - to continue to eat healthily and to live a healthy life and that your physical temple that houses your soul and spirit i.e. your body is healthy too.

It dawned upon me that there's actually no "end" in sight. And that's when the concept of "goals" is short lived. You achieve one goal and then what? You go ahead make another goal and achieve that one. And then what? Well, here comes another goal and then achieve towards it. You never stop!

What life then do you lead if your goals are never ending? An exciting one I would say! There's nothing wrong with goals but we must remember that there is a HIGHER intention why we do what we do. And this is a great reminder for me, over and over again the underlying reason I embarked on this adventure. My intention is to be healthy - my body, my heart, my mind and my soul. In this process of fulfilling this intention, I set small goals to be achieved, milestones to make sure I am on the right track. But now I know that I do not have a destination. Some people may view this negatively if I have not been able to express this clearly but my perspective is that, even though there is no destination, it's up to me to make the journey an exciting one because this is the life I deserve to lead.

Energy!

Sunday rolls around again. It comes so quickly! I went for my walk with Elaine and this time to make sure I was not late, I had slept at 10pm the night before and I woke up at 6am.

And I did so much better today than last week. For some reason I have a lot more energy! I think it's a combination of the weight loss and the supplements I've been taking.

According to Elaine, I scaled the Great Wall of China today! It's a good thing she only told me after I got to the top and down again. Otherwise my mind would have gone mad! I was telling myself not to look up so much and just focus on each step I was taking.

This week I am pleased with myself that I have incorporated activities that I enjoy:

Monday: Dance Class

Tuesday: The Brunei Speakers' Club

Wednesday: Clarinet Lesson 

Friday: Dance Class

Saturday: Hi Lo Aerobics

Saturday: Singing Lesson

Sunday: Walk at Bukit Shahbandar

With all this new-found energy, I am choosing to channel it in areas which bring me joy! I know that music fundamentally helps me with joyful expression of myself so that translates through the clarinet lessons, the singing lessons and the dance classes. It also helps the adventure because then you have other things to focus on apart from food!

With a healthy body, comes with it a heart full of expression and a spirit that resonates love!

Alignment of the Head and the Heart

This morning I listened to a free webinar organized by Adventures in Weight Loss by Annie Barkl, the psychologist who has worked closely with Graham Park as she too went on her own adventure.

It was amazing what she was saying was exactly how I was feeling! One of my previous entries about having a skewed perspective about myself was discussed and even Graham admitted that he too felt the same way when he had lost 40+kg as he looked at himself in the mirror.

Listening to this webinar has really given me more resolve to continue my adventure and not to let my head overrule my heart. This is an excerpt of the conversation my heart and my head has from time to time:

Head: "Man, sticking to this diet is tough. Are you sure it's worth it giving up the pizza, ice cream and fries?"

Heart: "I'm doing this for me. I am choosing to be healthy."

Head: "Healthy? Life is too short to start eliminating all the food that can make you feel good!"

Heart: "Life is not all about food! I am choosing to be in charge of my life and not let food dictate how I should feel!"

Head: "Yeah but you're like cringing at all the attention you're getting now that you have started losing all this weight. It makes you feel uncomfortable! And some people have said they preferred you fat! You were so much cuter when you were just chubby!"

Heart: "They are NOT living MY LIFE! I know you're trying to push my buttons. You're just old programming that needs to be altered! You have to understand, this is the beginning of the REST of MY LIFE!"

Head: "Man, I sure can see that you're really adamant about this thing."

Heart: "Yup, I am. And you know, I would really like you to be a part of this. You're really important to me. What say we work together?"

Head: "How?"

Heart: "I will keep the intention strong in my heart and you can help keep me focused using the head. How does that sound?"

Head: "You know, it sounds like you really know me well. That's my strength!"

Heart: "I have known you for a long time. I'm just getting to understand you better that's all. You and I have a deal?"

Head: "You bet! Let's see how this is going to turn out on 1 January!"

Heart: "Why 1 January?"

Head: "It's nice to look forward to something positive..."

Heart: "I can see you and I are going to make a GREAT team when we're aligned!"

I had intentionally put in some key things that I had picked out from listening to the webinar.

I really liked it when Annie said that next time, when sitting at a dinner table or any other meal for that matter is to sit there smiling to yourself like you have a secret. The secret is, the same time next year, it's going to be a slimmer, healthier and sexier you sitting at that table. Waaah... I can sure imagine that! The adventure continues!

It's all worth it because I'm worth it!

Commitment

I so love this poem! I am choosing to be committed on this adventure! And I am committed to my life!

Goethe "On Commitment"

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it.

Begin it now.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
1749-1832

My Mad Moment Sussed Out

In one of my previous entries, I had asked "What does a mad moment look like?" and by jove, I think I've got it! (very thick British accent)

According to the rules set out in this adventure, whenever you have a "mad moment", it will set your weight loss back by 5 days. Not sure of the science behind it but my semi-logical mind tells me that because you have been detoxing your body and the sudden rush of "chemicals" the body is not accustomed to will have an effect on the acceleration of metabolism as a result of the detox. It will slow down the burn that was created because the body is trying to figure out what are all these "new" foreign substances!

There are two versions of a "mad moment":

Version 1

When you pig out and eat with abandon!

Version 2

You don't pig out but at each meal or at each snack you say, "A little bit of this or that won't hurt." And then you keep doing it each time and have a little bit here and a little bit there. As they say, "Sikit-sikit, lama-lama jadi bukit!" Direct translation: "Bit by bit, after awhile it will turn into a hill!" And we go down the slope from there... It all adds up!

The concept of "a little bit won't hurt you" is a lovely reassuring concept, however, I realized that if I'm really serious about seeing results and I've worked so darn hard so far, is to just keep on going and ignore the voice inside my head that says, "a little bit won't hurt you, you've done so well so far!" Uhuh... not when you have another 20-30kg left to go!

I really would like to see the scale move down to 99.1kg please! That would be me hitting my 20kg mark equivalent to my second bag of rice. But because, and I will openly admit that I am human, I've been naughty last week with Version 2 of my mad moment(s), it's not moving fast enough.

So there, I should have been a good student and followed the rules to see results but I guess I needed to do it this way so that I could internalize the lesson faster! Again, not to judge myself or beat myself up, just learn the lesson and move on.

I was good today! 

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Now half-way through this adventure, a lot of changes are taking place with this body of mine. And one of those changes is, I'm losing my butt. Is it just me or is it flatter? When I was bigger, it was obviously rounder. I think someone had said they could sit a mug on top of it! I'm happy with the reduction in size but it doesn't look as "firm" as before. So I express this to some friends.

Elaine having introduced me to dancing suggested that we go for a walk at Bukit Shahbandar. Now I have an aversion to hills. I really think going up and down those hills are not good for my knees although I wonder if it's just a thought. On my Sunday morning, I agreed to go walking with her because she assured me it would be just a walk around the park.

There we were, 7:15am, it was slightly wet after the rain the night before and in the morning, the air felt fresh and I was dressed appropriately. We started walking around the park as she had suggested and there were some undulations here and there. It was manageable although I noticed I seemed to walk really slow! And then, she starts going up some steps.

Hmmm... I said, "I thought we're not going up?" 

And she replied, "These are just baby steps, you'll be fine."

They were definitely baby steps, what felt like a long way up though! My heart was pumping and my first thought was, "I'm so unfit!"

Elaine said, "Don't say that."

She's right. Change the languaging, "I'm getting fitter!"

Elaine then said, "Well you said you wanted to firm your butt and work on your legs!"

Ah yes... I recall saying that!

With that reminder, I kept my mouth shut, focused on what was ahead, being slow going up and down and at the same time being careful. I said a couple of affirmations in my head to keep me going and I started noticing the plants around me. We walked for an hour.

The reward for the day was the view of the sea meeting the horizon, with the fog on the top of the luscious green trees and Elaine saying to me, "You wouldn't have done this a year ago." Also a great big reminder, it feels great to be ALIVE!

She's right. I would have avoided doing this. And so now I am more mindful about what I say, because it will manifest itself in one or another! Next Sunday here I come!

A Skewed Perspective

To date I've lost up to 18kg so far and as I look at myself in the mirror, I find that I just see me as I normally see myself. What I'm trying to say is, I don't really see a smaller person looking back at me. I just see myself as big while others keep telling me I am shrinking in size. Now I know how those who have been deemed anorexic feel like.

Obviously being with this body for so long, you get used to what you see especially when you see yourself everyday. I have to keep on REMINDING myself that I've come so far. While I outwardly celebrate the success and soon the second bag of rice coming up, the way I see myself does not match the feelings of success.

Feeling this contradiction and having this awareness, I have decided to paste an affirmation on the mirror about my body so as to nourish it with love as it continues on this journey. Now the next practice is to look at myself in the eyes (while looking at the mirror) and to really celebrate the person that I am no matter the weight, the size, the shape, the height, the colour etc... 

Jennifer actually gave me this idea, which just didn't seem obvious to me because when I went to their place in Taipei, she had these affirmations I sent her through email stuck on her mirror. I thought it's a brilliant idea and all brilliant ideas ought to be practiced!

I got these affirmations from one of Louise Hay's books on affirmations.

I love my body

My body is a glorious place to live. I rejoice that I have chosen this particular body because it is perfect for me in this lifetime. It is the perfect size and shape and colour. It serves me so well. I marvel at the miracle that is my body. I choose the healing thoughts that create and maintain my healthy body and make me feel good. I love and appreciate my beautiful body!

I love my weight

I am the perfect weight for my self at this moment, It is exactly the weight that I have accepted for myself. I have the ability to change my weight if I desire. I choose the thoughts that keep me comfortable and satisfied with my body and its size. I love and appreciate my beautiful weight.

At the moment I'm listening to an audio CD by Louise Hay called 101 Power Thoughts and it's really brilliant! When I am present and paying attention to what she is saying (because sometimes the mind just drifts away), it just gives me those a-ha! moments and I do my best to internalize the affirmation. When I remember it, I just have to *smile*.

The Traveller in Me

I recently came back from Taiwan and I must say, it was tough for me. But some general tips for those who are on this adventure and are needing to travel:

*Don't mix the proteins
*Drink enough water
*Continue taking your supplements
*Bring your snacks with you at all times
*When eating at restaurants, order dishes that are cooked simply (i.e. grilled, steamed, baked...)

I did my best to stick to the general tips but given the situation I was in and the country I was visiting, I ended up becoming mostly vegetarian. Now people think that becoming a vegetarian it will help with the weight loss but the opposite was true in my case.

I was feeling quite stressed out that I could not follow my diet and at one point I broke down. It's so easy to go into blaming others when things don't go the way you would like it to be but later I realized that I was feeling angry with myself because I had allowed past thoughts to affect my present moment.

My past thought was that I had a fear about being fat again because I know what it feels like and so I thought me not following my diet meant that I would go fat all over again. So this fear really consumed me at that point in time. And to a certain extent, I had viewed the diet as fear-based too because it said if you had a "mad moment" it can set your weight loss back by 5 days.

How do you even define a "mad moment"? What does it look like? What effect will it have on the body? With the realization and questions I started asking, I stopped freaking out and focused on DOING MY BEST with the current circumstances I was in. And my holiday turned out much better!

By the time I got back to Brunei, I had put on weight by 1.3kg. A slight freak out while I was on the weighing scale but I brought myself back to what happened during Hari Raya and it was just to get back into the groove of the diet and all will be well. It turned out the extra 1.3kg was water retention because when I weighed myself the next day, I was back to the weight I had started off with when I went to Taiwan at 104kg!

Phewh!

My First Bag of Rice (Results After Week 4)

By the end of week 4, I stepped on the weighing scale and... I had lost a total of 9.6kg.

I was really hoping to lose my first 10kg by the end of the first month but it didn't happen. Was I disappointed? Not really. I had Liz's voice in my head who told me that sometimes it's not about the numbers, it's more about how you feel inside. And she's actually quite right. I feel really good about having lost weight in general that it doesn't matter how much! All this time the scale had been going up, so it's really nice for a change that the scale is actually going in the opposite direction!

Just today, which is 4 weeks plus 2 days, I stepped on the weighing scale and I jumped up and down for joy! I've hit the 10kg mark! Woo hoo! 

I had been saying that if I lose my first 10kg, I will buy a bag of rice to commemorate or to remind me that is how much I have lost. At least there is a physical reminder for me not to slip into bad or old habits or to give in to temptation.

Rozi goes a step further telling me that I ought to carry this bag of rice with me up and down the stairs. She says that it's good exercise for the arms. For me, it's a reminder that's how it felt like going up and down the stairs with 10kg extra on me.

My friends are so supportive! Shawn has sponsored my first bag of rice and dropped it off this evening after I had sent him and some other close friends a text message of my achievement. Thank you Shawn!

Shane says I ought to commemorate this achievement by buying something to remind me of the hard work I've put in. What can I treat myself to? After much deliberation, I had announced to her and the girls that I would get a pair of new shoes. Hunting for the right pair of shoes will be fun considering I've been wearing flats all this time, a nice pair of heels will be great!

But there's something else I would like and that is a laptop bag for my laptop(s). I was recommended to buy a Crumpler bag but I can't decide which. I was advised to bring my laptop to the shop to actually test which bag would be best.

Choices... choices... whatever it is, it feels so liberating knowing that right now, ANYTHING seems possible!

The Hari Raya Challenge

                  The goodies at our house

Phewh! It was actually really tough for me during the first 2 weeks of Hari Raya. It again brings to my awareness how a lot of our customs, celebrations and traditions involve so much food! 

I can't believe how this time, I had to say "NO" to beef rendang, ayam masak merah, the ketupat, the satay, the cheese, the brownies (which I made!), the tapak kuda, the kek lapis, the popiah udang... and the list goes on and on! I was really good the first day of Hari Raya. It was easier to manage because I was at my house and I could control what goes in my mouth. I had a tuna salad for lunch and unfortunately my dinner was very late because there were lots of guests whom I happily entertained.

And then the second day of Hari Raya that was when trouble started. Normally we go visiting to my Aunt's house, my cousins' houses and several other houses all having their respective open houses. And already at the my Aunt's house I suffered! She normally cooks really good food and I couldn't have any of it! Then at my cousin's house, they had this FAT curry puff which looked so good to eat! But later I found out that it was not as nice. So it goes to show, never judge a book by it's cover - does not apply to human beings and books only! As the day progressed... I actually broke down! Meaning to say, I gave in!

Wina tempting me...

 

But the biggest realization out of this whole experience was not to beat myself up because I had waivered for that day, and for some parts of the week and for some parts of the Hari Raya month. I could have easily just "let it all go" but I didn't. Instead, I knew what I should have not done and from there just move on. By the time the whole long weekend was over, I was back on my diet and felt good about the whole process.