The Human Guinea Pig

guinea pig

n.

1. Any of various small, short-eared domesticated rodents of the genus Cavia, having variously colored hair and no visible tail. They are widely kept as pets and often used as experimental animals.

2. Informal A person who is used as a subject for experimentation or research.

 

The first thought that came to my mind after I discovered the possible reason why my legs have been so darn itchy! Ever since I came back from US, my legs have just been incredibly itchy. I scratch to the point where I draw blood. And it just doesn't itch once but sometimes over and over again in the same place. I had wondered if it was either dry skin, insect bites or an allergy to food. I was going to get it checked out eventually by I don't like seeing doctors unless my life depended on it. So I showed Elaine and Elaine says it would be best to check my blood sugar. She shared that markings like that on my legs and it being so itchy could be my blood sugar being on a high and she sees it in a family member of her's whom is diabetic. She suggests I cut back on the sugar.

 

When she told me to cut back on the sugar, my thought was, re-commit to the food plan 110%. No make that 120%. It brought me back to the time when I sat in the doctor's office and him telling me that he would put me on medication for high blood pressure and being overweight certainly didn't help. In my head, I heard myself say, "See I told you so. Why were you even experimenting with food? Why couldn't you just have stuck with the food plan and save yourself all this misery?" So again, it took some sort of scare for me to do something with myself.

 

I felt upset and angry with myself but there is nothing much I could do except make the choice to just get with the programme and go back to doing my best.

 

Photos of my legs - that's enough for me!

 

How Do I Change?

How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.  - Og Mandino

And... If I feel fat I will look at my old pictures!

 

Slim = Serious?

I paid a visit to my old office yesterday afternoon to attend a meeting and I met some of my colleagues who were amazed with how much weight I had lost. One good friend of mine asked me how I did it so I elaborated that carbohydrates especially rice, noodles and pasta were a NO-NO. And I got the same response from her as everyone else. "I can't live without rice!" 

I had a chat with her about life in general and she says I was not my usual cheerful self. Not like who I used to be when we worked together. I started thinking is it because:

a. I had grown up?

b. My environment now is different?

c. I am slimmer and I feel like I don't have to make up for my physical appearances by standing out by being cheerful and happy?

I know I feel I don't have to "try so hard" in order to be noticed. I somehow attract attention. I do feel that I am just being myself more and more now. And in the mirror, I still see the same girl I've been seeing all these years.

I stepped on the weighing scale today. Still making progress!

Alignment of the Head and the Heart

This morning I listened to a free webinar organized by Adventures in Weight Loss by Annie Barkl, the psychologist who has worked closely with Graham Park as she too went on her own adventure.

It was amazing what she was saying was exactly how I was feeling! One of my previous entries about having a skewed perspective about myself was discussed and even Graham admitted that he too felt the same way when he had lost 40+kg as he looked at himself in the mirror.

Listening to this webinar has really given me more resolve to continue my adventure and not to let my head overrule my heart. This is an excerpt of the conversation my heart and my head has from time to time:

Head: "Man, sticking to this diet is tough. Are you sure it's worth it giving up the pizza, ice cream and fries?"

Heart: "I'm doing this for me. I am choosing to be healthy."

Head: "Healthy? Life is too short to start eliminating all the food that can make you feel good!"

Heart: "Life is not all about food! I am choosing to be in charge of my life and not let food dictate how I should feel!"

Head: "Yeah but you're like cringing at all the attention you're getting now that you have started losing all this weight. It makes you feel uncomfortable! And some people have said they preferred you fat! You were so much cuter when you were just chubby!"

Heart: "They are NOT living MY LIFE! I know you're trying to push my buttons. You're just old programming that needs to be altered! You have to understand, this is the beginning of the REST of MY LIFE!"

Head: "Man, I sure can see that you're really adamant about this thing."

Heart: "Yup, I am. And you know, I would really like you to be a part of this. You're really important to me. What say we work together?"

Head: "How?"

Heart: "I will keep the intention strong in my heart and you can help keep me focused using the head. How does that sound?"

Head: "You know, it sounds like you really know me well. That's my strength!"

Heart: "I have known you for a long time. I'm just getting to understand you better that's all. You and I have a deal?"

Head: "You bet! Let's see how this is going to turn out on 1 January!"

Heart: "Why 1 January?"

Head: "It's nice to look forward to something positive..."

Heart: "I can see you and I are going to make a GREAT team when we're aligned!"

I had intentionally put in some key things that I had picked out from listening to the webinar.

I really liked it when Annie said that next time, when sitting at a dinner table or any other meal for that matter is to sit there smiling to yourself like you have a secret. The secret is, the same time next year, it's going to be a slimmer, healthier and sexier you sitting at that table. Waaah... I can sure imagine that! The adventure continues!

It's all worth it because I'm worth it!

The Traveller in Me

I recently came back from Taiwan and I must say, it was tough for me. But some general tips for those who are on this adventure and are needing to travel:

*Don't mix the proteins
*Drink enough water
*Continue taking your supplements
*Bring your snacks with you at all times
*When eating at restaurants, order dishes that are cooked simply (i.e. grilled, steamed, baked...)

I did my best to stick to the general tips but given the situation I was in and the country I was visiting, I ended up becoming mostly vegetarian. Now people think that becoming a vegetarian it will help with the weight loss but the opposite was true in my case.

I was feeling quite stressed out that I could not follow my diet and at one point I broke down. It's so easy to go into blaming others when things don't go the way you would like it to be but later I realized that I was feeling angry with myself because I had allowed past thoughts to affect my present moment.

My past thought was that I had a fear about being fat again because I know what it feels like and so I thought me not following my diet meant that I would go fat all over again. So this fear really consumed me at that point in time. And to a certain extent, I had viewed the diet as fear-based too because it said if you had a "mad moment" it can set your weight loss back by 5 days.

How do you even define a "mad moment"? What does it look like? What effect will it have on the body? With the realization and questions I started asking, I stopped freaking out and focused on DOING MY BEST with the current circumstances I was in. And my holiday turned out much better!

By the time I got back to Brunei, I had put on weight by 1.3kg. A slight freak out while I was on the weighing scale but I brought myself back to what happened during Hari Raya and it was just to get back into the groove of the diet and all will be well. It turned out the extra 1.3kg was water retention because when I weighed myself the next day, I was back to the weight I had started off with when I went to Taiwan at 104kg!

Phewh!

The Hari Raya Challenge

                  The goodies at our house

Phewh! It was actually really tough for me during the first 2 weeks of Hari Raya. It again brings to my awareness how a lot of our customs, celebrations and traditions involve so much food! 

I can't believe how this time, I had to say "NO" to beef rendang, ayam masak merah, the ketupat, the satay, the cheese, the brownies (which I made!), the tapak kuda, the kek lapis, the popiah udang... and the list goes on and on! I was really good the first day of Hari Raya. It was easier to manage because I was at my house and I could control what goes in my mouth. I had a tuna salad for lunch and unfortunately my dinner was very late because there were lots of guests whom I happily entertained.

And then the second day of Hari Raya that was when trouble started. Normally we go visiting to my Aunt's house, my cousins' houses and several other houses all having their respective open houses. And already at the my Aunt's house I suffered! She normally cooks really good food and I couldn't have any of it! Then at my cousin's house, they had this FAT curry puff which looked so good to eat! But later I found out that it was not as nice. So it goes to show, never judge a book by it's cover - does not apply to human beings and books only! As the day progressed... I actually broke down! Meaning to say, I gave in!

Wina tempting me...

 

But the biggest realization out of this whole experience was not to beat myself up because I had waivered for that day, and for some parts of the week and for some parts of the Hari Raya month. I could have easily just "let it all go" but I didn't. Instead, I knew what I should have not done and from there just move on. By the time the whole long weekend was over, I was back on my diet and felt good about the whole process.

A Hungry Man is an Angry Man

I went to the Brunei Speakers' Club today and I was called upon to do an impromptu speech. This week the Table Topics Master had decided that his theme was "Proverbs" and he chose some which were popular and some which were not that familiar to me. He asked us to deliver a speech and after our 2 minutes, he will give the definition to see how close we were to the actual meaning of the proverb.

It was amusing that I got this proverb "A hungry man is an angry man." It was weird, I didn't know what it meant because all I could do was take it literally! How I interpreted it was that not being able to eat the foods that your body was once used to, you will start to feel withdrawal symptoms just like when you choose to quit smoking, and then these withdrawal symptoms can cause you to become emotional. Now day 9 into this programme, I do feel the level of irritation and frustration and I am seriously doing my best not to let it out on anyone. Maybe I should go punch the punching bag in the gym or something or scream into my pillow!

I found out later though that the proverb presented to me actually means "A person who does not get what he wants or needs is a frustrated person and will be easily provoked to rage." Maybe I can still relate this to food. The fact I am not able to eat what I want to eat makes me frustrated and I feel some level of anger within me. Not being able to eat what I feel like eating, on the outset, I don't think people are able to tell because it seems I'm handling this quite well. I don't really talk about it so much. I don't complain so much. But it's reflected in my feelings and as the famous line goes "And this too shall pass..."

At the same time this is all about focus. What am I focusing my energy on? And that I am reminded to be grateful of all the gifts from God. I really like this saying, "Happiness is not when you get what you want but happiness is when you want what you have." I have it all. 

The human mind is so complex, I really know this situation is temporary. Just hang in there!

Mood Swings

It has been 4 full days being on this programme. I've been watching my vital signs i.e. how I feel. 

Day 1 - By the end of the day, I had a BIG headache! Good thing Mummy was pressing on the lympathic points on my head so it helped the blood flow. I made sure I drank lots of water that night.

Day 2 - I felt surprisingly energetic! I sprung out of bed and bounced to work.

Day 3 - I woke up and felt my right leg was aching or had cramps. It didn't stop me from having my dance lesson that afternoon. I also noticed I was easily irritated. Grrr...

Day 4 - I felt little things can really annoy me and I start getting angry easily. Also, I hit a low point at the end of the day that when Shane called to ask me how I was doing, I had tears in my eyes. I was also feeling physically exhausted after my dance lesson. I think Jun really worked me hard during class. I could barely walk...

It says that the first 7-10 days is the adjustment period. 

God give me strength to continue!