Strategically Thinking About Relationships

This was another article that Amy shared with me that she got from RBA's Muhibah's magazine. They interviewed Chin-Ning Chu who wrote the the book The Art of War for Women - Sun Tzu's Ancient Strategies and Wisdoms for Winning at Work and she shared how 'strategic thinking' can be applied in our day-to-day lives. In her example, she shared about a relationship between a man and a woman.

Tao - Moral Standing and Motivation - How to make winning decisions.
"You look at this relationship and ask if it's right for you. Does the individual bring out the best in you? Does she/he have the education/intelligence that can stimulate you to your fullest potential? What can you contribute to enhance him/her and vice versa?

Tien - Timing or when to do what - timing lets you know which way to decide
"People get married because it's the time to do so and not because they've found the right person. This is especially true among Asians. I know of a friend who got hitched just because his father demanded he get married before moving to the US for further studies. So his wife entered into his life during this period and thus began a long and torturous life for him."

Di - Earth, terrain or resources. Di refers to the obstacles you face on the journey to a successful project. Di also includes the distances you need to travel to accomplish your goals.
"You have to exercise the financial and emotional resources to determine whether your potential partner is the right match for you. If you aren't emotionally rich, while your partner is emotionally needy, you'll be totally drained by the end of it. If you are not financially resourceful but your partner enjoys spending your money, your wedded bliss won't last long."

Jiang - Leadership - a leader must be wise, trustful, benevolent, courageous and strict
"In your everyday life, you are the leader for yourself. It is up to you to incorporate and examine the other elements of strategic thinking and to bring forth the proper vision and the plan of action."

Fa - Method or how to
"If you have determined that your present partner matches your strategic vision, you can proceed to pursue the said person and win them over. However, this doesn't mean that you blindly chase the person. Master Sun says "Know thyself and know thy opponents.: By knowing your lover's characteristics, background history and the events that contributed to his/her personality, you'll be able to determine how to act, react and interact with them."

The F Word

I wrote this speech for the Humorous Speech Contest in 2004 if I'm not mistaken. And I made it to Division level (I competed against other contestants from Sabah) and was first runner up! I had fun with this speech and I hope you have just as much fun reading it

The F Word by Rozana Yunos, ATM-B, CL

The F word is the most insulting word in the English language. It is so powerful, children scream, strong men shudder and animals run for cover. It makes you cringe and squirm in your seat. It will shock you and haunt you for the rest of your life. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you know what’s coming.

Good morning honourable judges, fellow Toastmasters, friends, ladies and gentlemen.

Usually, we never use the F word in Toastmasters but today, that F word will be muttered not only by me, eventually by all of you. Of course I’m speaking about FAT!

All my life I had done everything I could to make sure people accepted me, maybe even liked me despite my fat. I was the perfect daughter, a loyal friend and now working so hard to be a great Toastmaster.

As a fat child, I got called all sorts of names. I was chubby cheeks, thunder thighs, fatso and fatty. Now I have graduated to names like horizontally challenged, big boned, obese, heavy, large and overweight. I think chubby cheeks is so much cuter.

As a fat teenager, I never expected to wear any trendy clothes and each time I went shopping, they would ask me if I was pregnant. It still happens. I swear, if one more person congratulates me on being pregnant, I’ll scream!

Even when I go to the hairdresser, she tells me I need to lose weight but all I wanted was a haircut! When I go to my dentist and I complain about a toothache, he tells me to lose weight. Does my teeth have anything to do with my weight?

People told me, they could hear a thin person screaming to get out of me but I decided to keep her locked in. Fear of being fat, does nothing for you except get in your way. I guarantee that worrying about it doesn’t whiten your teeth or cure depression and it won’t make you look any better in your clothes or out of them.

Face your fear, perhaps it sounds crazy but conquer your fear of fat! You will be surprised that there are more books, journals and papers on cancer than about fat cells.

Some people can’t even pronounce the word ‘dyslexic’. Others have problems saying ‘hypochondriac’ or ‘claustrophobic’. But the F-word is easy: cat, bat, rat, sat… fat! See? Now you try it!

Fat is your best friend. This I discovered after battling it for so many years. Now I don’t fight it anymore. In fact, I have been preparing for this contest for weeks. If you think you’re the only ones that have to watch what you eat, me too! I have been on a strict diet, no less than 10000 calories a day!

Let me share with you what I like about being a plus size.

People like to hug a soft person. I am a human cushion. Comfortable to sleep with and soft in the right places. Being fat really gives meaning to a big fat hug! Hug a fat person, if you have never tried it, you will definitely like it. Go on do yourself a favour, hug a fat person today!

My friends like me for who I am and not for who I try to be. I am a unique person and not made from a cookie cutter. Now when I meet with a fat friend, instead of hugging hello, we bump bellies instead! Being fat, I certainly aspire to be a female sumo wrestler or even be a part of the fat female modeling scene. I could be “MISS FAT”. As Miss Fat, we all should hope for world peace, not thinner thighs.

My favourite reason of all is –

How many of you are a one man band? I am! My body parts can be used as a musical instrument. Who remembers this tune? (Slap various parts of body - YES I really did this and the clip on mike fell off).

Fat people can do so many things! We should remove this generalization about being fat. People who are fat are not necessarily lazy or stupid. There are healthy ‘fat’ people. Being fat does not mean that it’s wrong. Just like that there’s nothing wrong with being short or tall, black or brown. Simply put, you just can’t judge a book by its cover.

If someone was to go up to you and say “You’re Fat!” tell them “You bet I am. I’m
 

FRIENDLY

ARTICULATE &

TERRIFIC!”
 

5 Golden Rules for Finding Your Life Partner

My friend Amy passed this on to me when she was doing some spring cleaning. I thought it’s very appropriate for what’s going through my head right now. And it has also reminded me to not live an illusion that love will certainly be the end all in a relationship. There’s so much more in making a relationship work.

 
5 Golden Rules for Finding Your Life Partner

By Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr / Ms Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.” I believe is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

Question #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottom line – and marry someone who wants the same thing.

Question #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

Question #3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions:

Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?

Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always thriving to be good and do the right thing.” So ask your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

Question #4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boy, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect?

If they don’t have gratitude for the people who given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you – who can’t do nearly as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

Question #5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage… for the worse!” If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

If it hadn't been for Kuntum...

I once wrote this speech for one of my projects in the Storytelling manual - "Bringing History to Life". The story is inspired by how my parents met but they only told me bits and pieces of how they met (after I questioned them persistently...) and so I fleshed it out to turn it into a speech. I think it's a lovely story and I hope that my parents will find it amusing since I may not have the facts completely straight and make them think back even more those days when they first got to know each other and how the love had blossomed between them.


"IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR KUNTUM" by Rozana Yunos, ATM-B, CL

Faridah tucked her thick, black curly hair behind her ears as she sat on her bed clutching a letter. She smoothed the creases in her baggy baju kurung and studied the brown envelope. It was addressed to her, "Faridah Abdullah, 13 Jalan Tenggiri, Batu Pahat, Johor, Malaysia." It bore a stamp from Brunei and she knew exactly who it was from.

She ripped open the envelope and unfolded the paper. She tried to calm herself down by taking deep breaths and her hands quivered. She had always felt that way each time she received a letter with that familiar handwriting.

15 December 1961

My dearest,
How have you been? I have good news! I am being sent to Singapore as part of my Brunei Administrative Officer's training and I will be there for 6 months. There will be a group of us. It's not Malaysia but at least I will be closer to you than I am now. It will take me 4 hours to get to Paya Lebar Airport in Singapore from Brunei after making a stop in Kuching. I don't know if it's too much to ask but would it be possible to see you some how? I will be arriving at 2pm on 15 January. Do take care.

With Love, Yunos

Faridah's heart leapt into her throat. This was her chance to meet her love! A man she had gotten to know only through his words on paper. Faridah and Yunos had begun their correspondence with each other in 1958 as pen pals. She chuckled to herself as she reflected on how he had actually started off as Kuntum's pen pal but in the end Kuntum, her best friend had decided that Faridah should be the one who should continue writing to Yunos. Ever since then, a letter from Brunei would be delivered every 3 days.

Faridah smiled at the thought of Yunos's black and white photograph that was hidden in her dresser drawer. Hidden away because her mother did not know anything about their relationship. She took out the photo where Yunos stood tall and slim, looking smart in his long sleeved shirt and tie and his black rimmed glasses. She asked herself, "Will he look this good in person too?"

Excited at the prospect of finally meeting him in person, Faridah rushed out of the house and cycled as fast as she could to Kuntum's house. "Kuntum! Kuntum!" she called out gasping. Kuntum came out of the house, hastily positioning a shawl over her head. "What is it Edot?" she asked, calling Faridah by her nickname.

"Look...!" exclaimed Faridah, pointing at the letter. Kuntum stood next to Faridah and they read the letter together. Kuntum could hardly believe what she was reading and pushed Faridah playfully and asked "What are you going to do?" Faridah smiled affectionately at Kuntum whom she had known for as long as she could remember. “I was thinking of going but... I need you to come with me! Will you come with me?"

Kuntum fell silent and stared at the ground. Suddenly she blurted out, "I never thought you'd ask!" They held hands and jumped up and down with excitement and joy as they made plans.

Faridah replied eagerly to Yunos after Kuntum had bought the bus tickets.

20 December 1961

My dearest,
Yes! I will be able to meet you at Paya Lebar Airport when you arrive. Kuntum will be there too. We have already bought our bus tickets. I can't wait to see you! And I hope we will be able to recognise each other!

All my love, Faridah

On the appointed day, Faridah and Kuntum boarded the bus enthusiastically. Faridah was nervous as she kept peeking at the photograph of Yunos. "How will he feel when he sees me? How will I feel when I see him?" The same thoughts kept running through her mind. Upon arrival at the airport, Faridah took one last look in the mirror. She wore a fitting kebaya with sarong that showed off her figure. "How do I look?" she asked Kuntum. Kuntum laughed and replied "Beautiful! Just beautiful!"

A group of smartly dressed men in white shirts and black ties stepped into the arrival hall and one man immediately stood out from the rest. Faridah made eye contact with him straight away. Soon he was standing in front of Faridah and as if in a dream, time seemed to stand still and things began to move in slow motion. They shook hands and exchanged a few words. All the time not taking their eyes of each other. "Hey Yunos!" called out one of his friends. Faridah suddenly realising others were watching them became embarrassed. Faridah felt her face go red. "I have to go" Yunos told her. "I'll write to you." Faridah could only nod and watch him walk off with the others.

Kuntum gently tapped Faridah on the shoulder. "Time to go. He's really handsome eh? Imagine if it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have known each other!" Faridah turned another shade of red, just nodded and left hand in hand with her best friend, excited at what the future would hold for her and Yunos.

Faridah and Yunos were married on 15 July 1962 in Batu Pahat, Johor, Malaysia. Soon after they were married, Yunos took his new wife back to Brunei to meet his family for the first time. They now have 5 children, lots of grandchildren and have been happily married for 45 years (and counting) now.

If it hadn't been for Kuntum, my parents would not have found each other and I would not have been able to type out this story for you.