I'm a big, big girl... in a big, big world...

I'm about to do something which I thought I never thought I would do... and that is... actually post my "before" picture up with this entry. Since I am still not totally comfortable with "revealing" myself so much in this early part of my journey, I will only give the front view and maybe over time share the side profile. At least this is a start of... commitment? I mean who would want to do this and then not succeed right? *Rozana does her best to psych herself up!* I meet a lot of people and so they don't have to say it but I sometimes know what they are thinking... or is it me that's thinking that way and then I think it's actually them thinking it? Anyway, here goes *deep breath*

Please tilt your heads to the left to appreciate my smile.

So how did I end up so big? Well, the love for food would be one. But the love of food can be used as a way to hide one's self. You get emotional, let's eat! You get happy, let's eat! You get stressed, let's eat! You're with friends, more reason to eat! I ate because I thought I was not good enough. I was told that if you truly loved yourself, to look at yourself in the mirror, into those windows that hold your soul and really felt the love for you, you would take care of the physical "temple" that houses your spirit. I've tried a few times to do that but it takes a lot of practice, self-awareness and the overall feeling of gratitude for what you are and what you have and to accept that you are definitely worth it and good enough for anything.

Also, food can be an addiction. Only eating that chocolate makes you feel good eh? I'm not saying chocolate is bad, I will be one of those who agree with others out there that everything in moderation is acceptable but... I went over the edge just a little. I liked food, enjoyed it and ate it... maybe a little bit too much at times. Maybe I should talk to that guy who created the quote about life being too short...

Then there's the lack of exercise. I used to go to the gym 5 times a week, had a personal trainer who pushed me and I kept that up for almost a year. When did it go downhill? When I fell down half a flight of stairs, hurt my foot real bad to the point where I thought it was broken and since it took a while to recover, I couldn't bring myself to exercise again. I used it as an excuse to have an easy life. From then I earned myself the title of "Miss Start-Stop" because I would start an exercise programme and then stop after a while for various reasons - no time, too busy, work is suddenly more important, I'm not seeing the results fast enough, I'm too tired and so on. Hey, if I can start making excuses maybe it's high time I actually stopped making them too!

And there are friends who convince you being cuddly is just the way to go! I've been told by many that I'm just so nice to hug. I am. And I've been told having fuller cheeks will make me look younger and cuter. I am cute and young. I really appreciate their compliments and I am grateful to have good friends who love me for who I am. At the end of the day, I have now asked myself, what do I want? How do I choose to live? And who do I choose to become?

These are just some of the reasons. I've been small once, I'm ready to do my best to get there again and maybe this time even beyond that.

Mio Ting

It was in March 2009 when I attended CV5 (Core Value Training Module 5) in Kuching that brought Mio Ting to my attention. I met Mio Ting in March 2006 when she and I were class mates in CV2 and I never had paid any attention to her body because probably I was so concerned about mine! To me, she has always been slim. So I was surprised when my friends started asking me, "Have you seen Mio Ting? She has lost so much weight!" I was like "Eh?" It was then I started paying attention to Mio Ting during the next few days while attending class.

The only difference I had observed was that she was now sporting short hair. Then the second thing I observed was that she was more mindful about the food she was eating compared to all of us eating the food provided during meals which sometimes can be deemed "unhealthy". At that point I had not asked her anything and acted "normal" although I was curious.

Mio Ting - Before

It was a couple of months later where I decided to check out her Facebook profile and sure enough there were before and after pictures of her, of her own adventures in weight loss. A side view showed she had a tummy, her cheeks were fuller and she looked bigger. And in the next photo, 6 weeks later, she had lost 8kg, her tummy was flat, her cheeks were no longer puffy and she looked really slim. It was not an "unhealthy" slim either.

I thought, whatever she's doing... I wonder if I could do it too?

Fast forward to July 2009 where I met Lee, her husband who is one of the instructors for CV. I remember that day I sat with Lee outside Villa 6 of Empire Hotel expressing my discontentment over something (too detailed to get into it here) and he asked me, "What were one of your proudest moments in your life?" And for some reason, the first thing I answered was, "When I lost 10kg a long time ago." 

Mio Ting - After

He looked at me and he said, "Even though you're not admitting it, I think one of the keys to your happiness is you losing weight." I could only hold back my tears. How I dream of being smaller! He said, "I went on the same programme as Mio Ting, my weight now is what I used to be when I was 18 years old." And he did look a lot slimmer, younger and more energetic. I thought to myself, now is the time to take action.

Still in doubt, I waited for CV Grad Cambodia that July to see if I could catch up with Mio Ting over her success and also just to clear up some doubts I had. That chance was granted to me where I ended up filling in the form, signing my name on the bottom, took the "before" pictures and looked forward to having my blood test taken when I get home after the trip.

I paid the fee (there's no such thing as a free lunch!), submitted my blood test results and await what the food plan will be in order for me to begin this adventure. 

Mio Ting will be my consultant. She will give her full support as I embark on this programme. I also have support from home coming from my Mum who said "I will knock you over the head if you don't follow this one!" Right Mum... you got me there!

Thanks Mio Ting for helping me get started. Where is that food plan? I await patiently while dreaming what it would be like to fit into one my favourite skirts again...

Mio Ting - An Inspiration!