Catching Up

I sometimes go to a person's blog and they have one of those entries which says, "I apologise that I have not been updating my blog in awhile... etc etc" I am not making a public apology but I would like to say that there have been so many things that have been worth recording here as part of my adventures which I have not been doing so - especially life after so much weight loss.

I realize that when I don't really want to face something, I usually end up not recording it. As if I'm afraid to face myself. It's the same with how I am meant to write in my journal all my awarenesses, choices and magical, meaningful and memorable moments which I started so enthusiastically after attending CV Grad Thailand in July 2010 but now... it's fallen apart again. That "start-stop" pattern has reappeared! It's the ego at play; what Eckhart Tolle speaks in his books A New Earth and The Power of Now called the "Pain-Body".

When you don't want to capture that moment or awareness, you are stopping yourself from growing (and I don't mean that physically horizontally or veritcally!). You stunt your own development of being an AWESOME person who is more than just your habits, who is more than your mind, who is more than what you preceive yourself to be. With awareness, we make choices and it is in these choices that allow us to SOAR even further than ever before!

You will hear from me soon. We have a lot to catch up on.

Moments of Weakness

I had just returned from a weekend in Kota Kinabalu attending the Kota Kinabalu Toastmasters Club Installation Banquet. It was certainly a fantastic weekend! I stayed at Jasmine's house and her house was BEAUTIFUL! And while staying at Jasmine's, I was really well taken care of. The bed was comfortable, the house was so inviting, everyone was so pleasant and her parents were wonderful hosts! I really felt like I was at home.

I was treated to a delicacy of mouth watering food which was laced with tradition. Everyone was aware I was on a "diet" yet I made the choice to eat the food. And I sampled almost everything! 

Snacks after rehearsals

I felt very full at almost every meal and I am sure now the food is having an effect on this body as I sit here in my room typing this entry. I found out from Mio Ting, it takes 48 hours for the body to eliminate all the toxins we have introduced into our system and as part of the defense mechanism to protect the body's organs, the body will react and respond in ways such as feeling bloated, feeling sleepy, feeling tired, water retention etc... I feel giddy right now and I'm not too sure if that's the result of yummy food which is a few seconds on the lips and the fulfillment of taste buds to 48 hours of having to cleanse the system again or I feel this way because I'm developing a fever.

As I write this particular entry, there was one part of me that actually said, "I had a moment of weakness, where I just had to try everything!" As I heard that voice in my head, I realized that I did not have a moment of weakness. Those were all CHOICES I had made. Just because I made them did not make me a "weak" person. I made those choices. I am not blaming anyone. Statement of fact. Now what goes along with the choices I have had made is, I am responsible for the CONSEQUENCES of my action.

48 hours of a bloated tummy and feeling giddy reminds me I am human and that I am RESPONSIBLE for my own choices.

The Light

I actually posted an album of the photo shoot I did on Facebook and it's only open to my friends. I am overwhelmed with the response I have received!

I will share some photos here soon. And it's really weird, I started questioning myself why did I do such a thing? What was I trying to prove? What was my intention? Am I setting myself up for failure by sharing to the world this is what I have achieved and so let's see how far I'll make it? 

So I text Clovis and he said, "No you're not setting yourself up for failure. You are looking to go to the higher, next level of self. Just need getting used to. You are doing great. Just BE and stop thinking. Hugs"

And he followed up with a phone call today (so sweet!) He said, not to be afraid of "the light" within me. The pain-body (please read Eckhart Tolle "A New Earth" to understand this concept) would like for me to continue being in pain and therefore, doing it's best to convince me that losing weight is not a good thing. Somewhere in my psyche has told me over the years I have been growing up that there is a benefit to being overweight. Something had triggered the eating, the weight gain and that it is important to identify what was the trigger so that I can acknowledge it and then let it go. He also mentioned that in this position, it is important to practice affirmations so that I condition my mind to accept what I see in the mirror. 

I must admit, while he was saying all this to me, I felt really uncomfortable but I knew what he was trying to tell me. It wasn't really me that was feeling uncomfortable, it was just my ego - Ms. Pain-Body. I totally understand what I need to go through. And in order for me to accept "the light" in totality of who I am, then this is the process.

By sheer coincidence, the Universe was obviously trying to drive this message into me. I received a phone call from Lee all the way from Kuching. And I repeated to him how I felt and actually I felt like crying. Weird. It's as if I'm denying myself from feeling good about myself. He said the same thing Clovis said, "Don't be afraid of the light..."

So I felt inspired to dig out one of Linda's favourite poems by Marianne Williamson which is a GREAT reminder for me to accept "the light" that radiates so brightly from within me and to acknowledge this is who I am and who I deserve to be!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. 

Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

 It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).

I'm a big, big girl... in a big, big world...

I'm about to do something which I thought I never thought I would do... and that is... actually post my "before" picture up with this entry. Since I am still not totally comfortable with "revealing" myself so much in this early part of my journey, I will only give the front view and maybe over time share the side profile. At least this is a start of... commitment? I mean who would want to do this and then not succeed right? *Rozana does her best to psych herself up!* I meet a lot of people and so they don't have to say it but I sometimes know what they are thinking... or is it me that's thinking that way and then I think it's actually them thinking it? Anyway, here goes *deep breath*

Please tilt your heads to the left to appreciate my smile.

So how did I end up so big? Well, the love for food would be one. But the love of food can be used as a way to hide one's self. You get emotional, let's eat! You get happy, let's eat! You get stressed, let's eat! You're with friends, more reason to eat! I ate because I thought I was not good enough. I was told that if you truly loved yourself, to look at yourself in the mirror, into those windows that hold your soul and really felt the love for you, you would take care of the physical "temple" that houses your spirit. I've tried a few times to do that but it takes a lot of practice, self-awareness and the overall feeling of gratitude for what you are and what you have and to accept that you are definitely worth it and good enough for anything.

Also, food can be an addiction. Only eating that chocolate makes you feel good eh? I'm not saying chocolate is bad, I will be one of those who agree with others out there that everything in moderation is acceptable but... I went over the edge just a little. I liked food, enjoyed it and ate it... maybe a little bit too much at times. Maybe I should talk to that guy who created the quote about life being too short...

Then there's the lack of exercise. I used to go to the gym 5 times a week, had a personal trainer who pushed me and I kept that up for almost a year. When did it go downhill? When I fell down half a flight of stairs, hurt my foot real bad to the point where I thought it was broken and since it took a while to recover, I couldn't bring myself to exercise again. I used it as an excuse to have an easy life. From then I earned myself the title of "Miss Start-Stop" because I would start an exercise programme and then stop after a while for various reasons - no time, too busy, work is suddenly more important, I'm not seeing the results fast enough, I'm too tired and so on. Hey, if I can start making excuses maybe it's high time I actually stopped making them too!

And there are friends who convince you being cuddly is just the way to go! I've been told by many that I'm just so nice to hug. I am. And I've been told having fuller cheeks will make me look younger and cuter. I am cute and young. I really appreciate their compliments and I am grateful to have good friends who love me for who I am. At the end of the day, I have now asked myself, what do I want? How do I choose to live? And who do I choose to become?

These are just some of the reasons. I've been small once, I'm ready to do my best to get there again and maybe this time even beyond that.