Catching Up

I sometimes go to a person's blog and they have one of those entries which says, "I apologise that I have not been updating my blog in awhile... etc etc" I am not making a public apology but I would like to say that there have been so many things that have been worth recording here as part of my adventures which I have not been doing so - especially life after so much weight loss.

I realize that when I don't really want to face something, I usually end up not recording it. As if I'm afraid to face myself. It's the same with how I am meant to write in my journal all my awarenesses, choices and magical, meaningful and memorable moments which I started so enthusiastically after attending CV Grad Thailand in July 2010 but now... it's fallen apart again. That "start-stop" pattern has reappeared! It's the ego at play; what Eckhart Tolle speaks in his books A New Earth and The Power of Now called the "Pain-Body".

When you don't want to capture that moment or awareness, you are stopping yourself from growing (and I don't mean that physically horizontally or veritcally!). You stunt your own development of being an AWESOME person who is more than just your habits, who is more than your mind, who is more than what you preceive yourself to be. With awareness, we make choices and it is in these choices that allow us to SOAR even further than ever before!

You will hear from me soon. We have a lot to catch up on.

Creating Debate

Tazio shared with me a quote last night:

No food tastes as good as keeping slim

And so I shared this quote on my Facebook page and there are mixed responses. I think it just goes to show, people will always need a context to work with so I felt like I needed to explain myself. Although perhaps that might not have been necessary? I am the one accountable to myself. Not to anyone else.

So back to last night...

We were talking about keeping focused because I am honestly faltering slightly. I've been on this adventure for coming 5 months and that's even longer than being on any exercise or fitness programme! So I feel like, I can "reward" myself. This relates to one of my previous entries about eating when stressed. So I'm eating the things I can eat but the quantity has increased a little bit. No wonder then the weight loss may not be as fast as before. And this is coupled with people telling me all I have to do is just lose another 1-2kg more to go because I already look good which truthfully I still have 21.4kg left to go. I am fighting with myself and my urges because on the one hand I think, why should I now try so hard because I already look good when on the other side of it, I still have some way to go and this in the long run is good for me.

So all these voices in my head, it is affecting me. And it's a good thing I had a chat with Tazio yesterday to keep me focused. He reminded me that it's all going to be worth it and that I should not sabotage myself because I've done so well. But believe me, I was drooling over Cath's home baked banana cake with icing and her yummy looking chocolate cake and Brian was serving it with ice cream!  I actually just wanted to have a taste, so it took A LOT of willpower not to pick up even the crumbs!

In the words of Yoda, "Persist, you must."

The Light

I actually posted an album of the photo shoot I did on Facebook and it's only open to my friends. I am overwhelmed with the response I have received!

I will share some photos here soon. And it's really weird, I started questioning myself why did I do such a thing? What was I trying to prove? What was my intention? Am I setting myself up for failure by sharing to the world this is what I have achieved and so let's see how far I'll make it? 

So I text Clovis and he said, "No you're not setting yourself up for failure. You are looking to go to the higher, next level of self. Just need getting used to. You are doing great. Just BE and stop thinking. Hugs"

And he followed up with a phone call today (so sweet!) He said, not to be afraid of "the light" within me. The pain-body (please read Eckhart Tolle "A New Earth" to understand this concept) would like for me to continue being in pain and therefore, doing it's best to convince me that losing weight is not a good thing. Somewhere in my psyche has told me over the years I have been growing up that there is a benefit to being overweight. Something had triggered the eating, the weight gain and that it is important to identify what was the trigger so that I can acknowledge it and then let it go. He also mentioned that in this position, it is important to practice affirmations so that I condition my mind to accept what I see in the mirror. 

I must admit, while he was saying all this to me, I felt really uncomfortable but I knew what he was trying to tell me. It wasn't really me that was feeling uncomfortable, it was just my ego - Ms. Pain-Body. I totally understand what I need to go through. And in order for me to accept "the light" in totality of who I am, then this is the process.

By sheer coincidence, the Universe was obviously trying to drive this message into me. I received a phone call from Lee all the way from Kuching. And I repeated to him how I felt and actually I felt like crying. Weird. It's as if I'm denying myself from feeling good about myself. He said the same thing Clovis said, "Don't be afraid of the light..."

So I felt inspired to dig out one of Linda's favourite poems by Marianne Williamson which is a GREAT reminder for me to accept "the light" that radiates so brightly from within me and to acknowledge this is who I am and who I deserve to be!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. 

Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

 It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).