Brick Walls

Photo: Mummy, myself and Abah during the Toastmasters District 87 Annual Convention held in Kuching from 20-22 May 2011

This week has been challenging for me.

I was not well - even though it was only a cough, sore throat and fever I had inevitbly lost my voice, it hurt too much to speak and I felt weak. I took the day off and slept - for once I had conceeded and not forced myself to go in to work.

Then there's the usual stress at work that makes me feel like I want to eat everyone up... but that couldn't have possibly been good for my diet. Hence I had to find more effective ways of dealing with the stress.

And mid-week, my body decided to have a backache and my legs which have been nagging me with pain became more evident which generally made moving uncomfortable including needing to change positions when sleeping.

I had two emotional breakdowns where I cried real tears and freaked out my dance teacher whom had said something which I took personally.

Now being the end of the working week, I am relieved to see the weekend again. I have many concerned friends whom have asked me how I have been. I am not out to seek comfort and I appreciate them asking me. What I needed this week was to just go through a low period and not pretend. I was being myself - another part of myself that not many people get to see. And I knew it was up to me to pick myself up again. So I thought about my "brick walls" and how I struggle to get through them in the most effective way possible.

I decided to dig up my old speech which I had promised to post many months ago which I presented in Kuching in May 2011 and was placed 1st runner up in the International Speech Contest. Does it inspire me as I read it? One part of me wishes for more success and the other part of me is still proud of what I have done and who I became as a result of those experiences.

I hope you will conquer your brick walls too :-)

THE BRICK WALL

You and I are great construction workers. We have our bricks and we build walls.

Each brick that we lay into creating this wall is made up of: our challenges, our problems, our negative self-talk that we cannot do it, that we have failed before or why even bother trying? It is others saying we cannot do it or they do not believe in our abilities. It stops us from making progress. This wall is between you and your goals. This wall stops us from what we can be.

Contest Chair, Honourable Judges, Fellow Toastmasters, Ladies and Gentlemen…

Randy Pausch, the author of the Last Lecture said “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something.”

Our brick walls come in many shapes and sizes. Some are low which makes us trip and stumble in life. Others are bigger and taller and look impossible to break through. Our brick walls with can start from a very young age.

I was 8 years old when my parents sent me to an International School in Singapore. Coming from a Malay school in Brunei I experienced my first culture shock. EVERYTHING was in English. I could speak English. After all, I watched Sesame Street and read Archie comics.

I thought I was good but apparently “You eat, you eat already”, was not good enough.

I tortured my English teacher with many more of these in my essays. Not surprisingly, each essay was returned with red pen marks EVERYWHERE.

I wanted to be good at writing. I had a choice – be a construction worker and continue building this brick wall or break through it.

In my secondary school, there were two streams of English. The first stream was for students like me known as English as a Second Language. The other stream was for students whom were more proficient with English and they were in the main stream.

I thought, this is good! Mistakes like mine are common and normal because we speak English as a second language.  I didn’t take advantage of it. I persisted and continued to write pages and pages of essays and it was never good enough. The red pen marks seemed permanent and endless. I felt frustrated and wished I was back in Brunei.

Until one day, it finally paid off. I was told something that not many students who speak English as a second language get told. They said, Rozana, YOU deserve to be in main stream!

I broke through my brick wall and NOW I can proof read, correct and edit Phd research papers and even make money from it.

In reality, no one has JUST ONE brick wall.

Two years ago, this was how big my brick wall was (SHOW PANTS). A 120kg brick wall. This brick wall was standing in between me and good health. In 2009, my doctor threatened to put me on lifetime medication to control high blood pressure as a result of being overweight. At 30 years old, that seemed unacceptable. I still had my whole life to lead! There were boyfriends to date, a husband to marry, children to call my own and the illusion of living happily ever after!

I had a choice – be a construction worker and continue building this brick wall or break through it. This brick wall was so high. It was just too hard. Maybe I am meant to be fat. Wouldn't it be scary to be slim? Chocolate and ice cream was part of my staple diet. I should not deprive myself, why am I going through this torture. But the biggest brick of all was my mental state – could I actually do it? I thought to myself, I have tried to lose weight before, why bother to try again?

Yes, it was hard, but I wanted it so badly. I wanted to be able to put on my shoes without my stomach getting in the way. I wanted to stop people asking me if I was pregnant.

If I was going to get through this brick wall I made a choice to strengthen my resolve. In the first month, I lost 5kg. The element of doubt crept in. There must have been something wrong with the weighing scale. As the months progressed, with absolute determination, I continued to lose 5kg each month. By the sixth month, I lost an equivalent of a 9 year old child – that’s 30kg...

You, just like me have a choice. Be a construction worker and continue building your brick wall or break through it? Do we need super powers to break our brick walls? I say NO. Do we need extra arms and legs? I say NO. Do we need lots of money? I say NO. The brick walls are there for a reason. It is when we want something so badly we would make the choice to have the determination to be what we can be.

Look at the world around us. With the recent events of the floods in Australia, the earthquake in New Zealand and the earthquakes and tsunami to hit Japan, can we afford the time to allow our brick walls to stop us?

IF a disaster were to hit us right now, what regret would we have had in life? And what would you say to your children or loved ones when they are faced with their own brick walls?

LOOK AT IT OR BREAK THROUGH IT!

Photo: The winners of the International Speech Contest 2011 with the District Governor, Lieutenant Governor Education & Training and the Lieutenant Governor Marketing

 

"Am I Fat?" - by Dayna Macy

I really enjoyed reading this article.

It provides a perspective and an awareness. Now what choice will we make?

[http://www.healyourlife.com/author-dayna-macy/2011/06/lifeshelp/get-healthy/am-i-fat&utm_id=HYLFB]

Am I Fat?

Confessions of a food lover.

Published: June 10, 2011

By Dayna Macy

My ravenous relationship with food.

“Am I fat?”

I’ve never actually asked this question of another human being—until now.

I’m sitting in the office of Dr. Linda Bacon, a nutrition professor in the Biology Department at City College of San Francisco and author of Health at Every Size. I’m here because I embrace the message of her book: don’t wait to live your life, the perfect one you imagine you’ll live one day in your perfect body. Live it now.

“Yes.”

I want to make sure I’ve heard correctly. “You just said I’m fat, right?”

She nods and says again, “Yes.”

I’m silent. My hitherto unspoken weight hierarchy always began with thin, moved on to average, then on to chunky, then on to fat, and then finally obese. I have always put myself in the chunky category, or its kinder, gentler cousin—curvy. But never fat. Fat is another country, far away from where I live.

After a pause she asks, “What does that mean to you?”

“Well, what the f**k does that mean to you?” I counter.

She remains calm. “Fat, you know,” and here she grabs her nonexistent belly fat, “adipose tissue. Fat.”

That’s it? “All you mean by fat is ‘adipose tissue’?”

“Yes,” she says, “that’s all I mean. But I know it’s a loaded term,” she adds.

You might say that.

Dr. Bacon tells me that even though she’s using the word fat in the most clinical sense, the truth is, labels are always arbitrary. One person’s average is another person’s fat is another person’s curvy. So don’t get hung up on the labels.

“So tell me again what you mean by calling me fat?” I ask.

“What I’m saying is you have adipose tissue I might not see on a thinner person.” She pauses, and then adds, “And regardless of any of these labels, you radiate health and vibrancy. I think you’re gorgeous,” she concludes.

I have to hand it to her; in our culture, fat and gorgeous are seldom used together in the same sentence.

Maybe she’s using the word fat clinically, but it still stings. What’s more, she’s right. And I know it.

Couldn’t I just accept this? Be fat and be fine with it? It’s not that I yearn to look like a model. I’m heading toward 50 and I’ve had two children. I just know that at this point, for me, being fat doesn’t feel good. My fat shows up in lots of ways: when I walk up hills and have to take frequent rests, when I need to buy the next size pants because my current ones don’t close.

If I’m going to change, I need to see clearly. Dr. Bacon’s words may cut, but they’re helping me do that.

Excerpted from Ravenous: A Food Lover's Journey from Obsession to Freedom by Dayna Macy. Copyright © 2011 (Hay House).

Dayna Macy’s essays have appeared in Self, Salon, Yoga Journal, and other publications; and in several anthologies. Website DaynaMacy.com

The Human Guinea Pig

guinea pig

n.

1. Any of various small, short-eared domesticated rodents of the genus Cavia, having variously colored hair and no visible tail. They are widely kept as pets and often used as experimental animals.

2. Informal A person who is used as a subject for experimentation or research.

 

The first thought that came to my mind after I discovered the possible reason why my legs have been so darn itchy! Ever since I came back from US, my legs have just been incredibly itchy. I scratch to the point where I draw blood. And it just doesn't itch once but sometimes over and over again in the same place. I had wondered if it was either dry skin, insect bites or an allergy to food. I was going to get it checked out eventually by I don't like seeing doctors unless my life depended on it. So I showed Elaine and Elaine says it would be best to check my blood sugar. She shared that markings like that on my legs and it being so itchy could be my blood sugar being on a high and she sees it in a family member of her's whom is diabetic. She suggests I cut back on the sugar.

 

When she told me to cut back on the sugar, my thought was, re-commit to the food plan 110%. No make that 120%. It brought me back to the time when I sat in the doctor's office and him telling me that he would put me on medication for high blood pressure and being overweight certainly didn't help. In my head, I heard myself say, "See I told you so. Why were you even experimenting with food? Why couldn't you just have stuck with the food plan and save yourself all this misery?" So again, it took some sort of scare for me to do something with myself.

 

I felt upset and angry with myself but there is nothing much I could do except make the choice to just get with the programme and go back to doing my best.

 

Photos of my legs - that's enough for me!

 

The Vicious Cycle

Photo: One of my meals while I was on holiday in US last year. Those tacos, I ate EVERYTHING and I helped my friends finish off their food too.

Today, I tried to going back on my phase 1 food plan - strictly. I was doing well so far until I hit lunch time. I had carried my lunch with me to the restaurant where my colleagues were having lunch and there was a basket of bread rolls. I started out by eating only the skin of the bread roll and then I progressed to the soft centre of the bread. I managed not to spread any butter. Then, some minutes later, deep in conversation, I saw there was one bread roll left, I picked it up, ate the skin and then progressed to the soft centre of the bread. By the time I was eating the second bread roll, I had started to feel guilty but I still ate it when I could I have stopped. I guess you could say I chose to eat it.

Then in the afternoon, I bought a packet of salted tapioca chips and ate the whole packet. It was not a very large packet but it's not part of the food plan either. It was really salty and I was questionning myself whether I should continue eating it because it was so salty but that part in my brain where it tells me stop somehow seems to have its wires loose today and for a couple of days, weeks and months now. So I ate the whole packet and felt guilty afterwards.

Truth be told, right now, it seems REALLY HARD to get back on to the food plan! Yes, I am human after all. I have noticed some eating habits which probably existed pre-food plan days. When I eat something, I MUST finish it. The bread roll and the tapioca chips are good examples and I can name you some more situations where this has occurred. I am not sure where this eating habit comes from but this seriously takes a lot of effort to not do it. Only with awareness can it be overcome.

So when you think you have conquered something which for me happens to be a 30+ kg weight loss, that's only half the battle. There is still something deeply embedded inside of me that makes me eat and how I eat it. Until I resolve this and understand where it comes from, I will continue to live in a vicious cycle.

No Thank You...

I am super proud of myself.

Today the Empire Hotel Atrium lunch looked super yummy and I chose not to eat any of it! I watched my colleagues eat it all. I wished I was eating it with them but I didn't want to go through that Start-Stop pattern again. I ate my home cooked lunch and felt really good about myself!

I'm 86.1kg today! That's 3kg weight loss from Monday and 7kg more to go to my next target in which I will reward myself with another photo shoot.

Let's see how I do this weekend because I will be in Tawau for a speech contest and sizing up portions does not come so naturally nowadays. I wish myself all the best for the contest and for making the right food choices when I am away!

Photo Below: July 2010 with Abah & Mummy and my recognitions from the Brunei Speakers' Club. I recognize myself too for the super job I have been doing with regards to my adventure!

Re-Commit: Phase 1 Part 2

I have been on a 7 month “holiday” from Phase 1. How do you define a holiday while on this adventure? It means you:

1.       Let loose and have many mad moments OR

2.       Sort of follow the eating plan throughout the week and allow for little “treats” on the side OR

3.       Follow the eating plan Monday to Friday and then when it hits the weekend, you let loose and have many mad moments.

I think mine was a combination of all 3! I became aware I was going through a very familiar pattern of mine which was that of START and STOP. I was struggling to START and when I did START, I then STOPPED not long after, then I had to RE-START and the pattern would go on and on. I admit that when I made the choice to allow myself to eat this and that, I have now found it difficult to really stick to my guns. As a result of the choices I made after Hari Raya, I have put on weight and as of Monday 4 October 2010, my weight came in at 89.1kg.

I admit I went through a period of self-loathing because I was not disciplined as I have been before which was then salvaged with thoughts and reminders of me that I have come so far, how could I not like myself for what I have done? Then I had feelings of fear. I felt fearful about going back to the weight I had started with when I began this adventure. I had fear about being that big, fat girl again who struggled each time she climbed up the stairs or the seat was too small. That was salvaged with reminders from friends that it was up to me to not make that happen again and keep on staying motivated.

On Sunday night, after my last open house for Hari Raya and after a weekend of enjoying delicious food while on a short trip in Kuala Lumpur, I had decided enough was enough. It was time to get serious again. I could visualize me being 10kg lighter but there’s no point visualizing if I didn’t take any action. I am very proud of myself that my decision to re-commit to Phase 1 was not based on fear. It was based on the belief in me that I am capable of achieving my goal and that I deserve this beautiful and healthy body.

Come Monday morning, I was ready once again. I feel so proud of myself for saying NO to the offerings that have come my way. And I feel extremely encouraged now 3 days into my re-commitment my weight has come down from 89.1kg to now 86.6kg. I am back on track!

To all of you out there - my pillars of strength: Thank you once again for the never ending support and encouragement.

My Date with Mio Ting

Mio Ting was in Brunei a few months ago in July to pay a visit and I took the opportunity to have a date with her. Apparently after 4 years of knowing each other, we never have had our personal time together where it's just the two of us! I really enjoyed our very long lunch together where it just so happened all my afternoon music classes got cancelled!

I shared with her how I would like to go on to phase 2 but at the same time I was feeling guilty that I was not doing so well on phase 1 of the programme. I think in some sense, now on hindsight, I was beating myself up for the fact that I was not as disciplined as before. I was judging myself because I was afraid other people would judge me that I was once their source of inspiration and because I have faltered, does that mean I would be more a disappointment than an inspiration?

Even though those thoughts during those few hours were not verbalised, I really appreciated Mio Ting's input on helping me understand the importance of following the food plan that has been set and how it is there to really help me provided I would want to help myself. I looked back at my notebook and these are some of the things she shared with me:

If I love myself, I would not feed myself with something that would hurt me. Very often we think that this is the way we love ourselves, by "indulging" in the things that hurt us. It will take 48 hours for the poison in our body to subside. This poison is how we react to the food and the reaction is a result of our body trying to protect our organs. For me, how it shows up is sudden sleepiness, feeling bloated and of course, no weight loss.

And this line, really got me the most...

It's not that you can't do it (i.e. not that I can't lose another 10, 15 or 20kg), it's whether I want to do it or not.

As Linda Chandler had said before, "If you can't, you won't and if you can, you will."

So I am grateful I had that time with her and how the message is coming back to me now this very day. I am making certain resolutions. And I know I've said it before, but the resolve is coming back and I'm really meaning it this time. I'm going to go that extra mile and I know I CAN do it because I CHOOSE to do it!

Here's a "before" and "after" photo of Mio Ting and I. Please take note in the "before" photo, Mio Ting had already started her adventure and at that point in time I had not yet. I recall that time in Cambodia where I signed the application form and now look at me in the "after" photo after we had our date! I am just so amazed with myself and how my life has changed thanks to me making the choice to embark on this adventure!

Mio Ting & Zana - Cambodia, July 2009

Mio Ting & Zana - Brunei, July 2010
(one year later!)

Moments of Weakness

I had just returned from a weekend in Kota Kinabalu attending the Kota Kinabalu Toastmasters Club Installation Banquet. It was certainly a fantastic weekend! I stayed at Jasmine's house and her house was BEAUTIFUL! And while staying at Jasmine's, I was really well taken care of. The bed was comfortable, the house was so inviting, everyone was so pleasant and her parents were wonderful hosts! I really felt like I was at home.

I was treated to a delicacy of mouth watering food which was laced with tradition. Everyone was aware I was on a "diet" yet I made the choice to eat the food. And I sampled almost everything! 

Snacks after rehearsals

I felt very full at almost every meal and I am sure now the food is having an effect on this body as I sit here in my room typing this entry. I found out from Mio Ting, it takes 48 hours for the body to eliminate all the toxins we have introduced into our system and as part of the defense mechanism to protect the body's organs, the body will react and respond in ways such as feeling bloated, feeling sleepy, feeling tired, water retention etc... I feel giddy right now and I'm not too sure if that's the result of yummy food which is a few seconds on the lips and the fulfillment of taste buds to 48 hours of having to cleanse the system again or I feel this way because I'm developing a fever.

As I write this particular entry, there was one part of me that actually said, "I had a moment of weakness, where I just had to try everything!" As I heard that voice in my head, I realized that I did not have a moment of weakness. Those were all CHOICES I had made. Just because I made them did not make me a "weak" person. I made those choices. I am not blaming anyone. Statement of fact. Now what goes along with the choices I have had made is, I am responsible for the CONSEQUENCES of my action.

48 hours of a bloated tummy and feeling giddy reminds me I am human and that I am RESPONSIBLE for my own choices.

Buying Queen

I tried rotating the photo upright but it is not co-operating!

Photo Insert: My new wardrobe.

I have lost count how many dresses I have bought over the span of the months I have been on this adventure. It all started with a dress I bought in KL in October and up to dresses I bought from Shane's shop Dainty (@ The Mall Gadong) because of a discount for my birthday. Actually, I could count them, if I chose to! 

I was sharing with some friends that the first time I could actually wear a dress and the fact that I could walk into a shop and not look for a plus size section was a really emotional moment for me. I almost teared up. All this time I have been envious of seeing others wearing frilly, floaty, girly, elegant dresses and NOW I can wear them! 

Also, some conversations I have had lately has brought a realization that previously, shopping was just buying anything that FIT as opposed to it looking good. There were so many times where I walked into a shop, headed for the section that sold the bigger sizes, looked at the rack for anything "big enough", tried it on, thought it looked OK and then make the purchase for the sake of buying "something". I am so grateful those days are OVER! I now have the choice to buy clothes because it looks GOOD on me!

Starting Over

After 4 months of not really here nor there with the food plan and after having a weekend where I was eating things I was not supposed to eat, I have resolved to start over my food plan and follow it with dedication and commitment that I experienced when I first started this adventure.

And with this intention in mind, I have this feeling inside where I believe that I will lose weight once again and that by month end of May, I will be seeing some positive results. I will be on my way to success the way I had intended it to be!

Lunch Box-ing

On Thursday and Saturday I was conducting a workshop at UBD and with Kae Wen and Genevieve we headed to Jalan Jerudong for lunch. I brought my lunch with me to make sure I ate the right quantities and also that it's cooked in the healthiest way possible.

At both instances, I told the waitress I didn't want to order any food because I was on a special diet. And the response I get is - they just leave me alone! Previously I would be more inclined to order from the menu because most restaurants I know would not allow outside food in and I've even seen signs of that in restaurants. I realized that if this restaurant really respects you as a customer, they would allow you to modify the menu and with me pushing it a little bit, I tell them I'm on a special diet - and I am! Of course, it would be ideal to go to the restaurant with friends who actually order from the menu out of respect for the restaurant!

As an adventurer, this really matters to me because it makes me feel that I am in absolute control of myself. I choose what I want to eat and when I eat it. This really matters to me because previously, if I see food I will just want eat it and eat it all! But now, being more conscious, I am not afraid to tell someone that I am just choosing to watch what I eat and bask in the success I've had so far as a result of making empowering choices!

Emotional Eating

It has been kind of hectic in the office of late. I can't believe it's only January! At night I look forward to going to bed, recharging and then beginning my day again with as much energy as possible. Unfortunately, one of the "side effects" of having to cope with hectic-ness coupled with the intended arrival of that time of the month, is wanting to eat! I have been eating what is stated on the food plan but just more of it. For example, I have 3 pieces of fruit instead of the prescribed 2 or I end up having 6 biscuits instead of the prescribed 2 or 4. I feel the more pressed I am, the more I seek comfort in food. 

So Yvonne asks me last night, would you like to be stressed and put on weight or stressed and with the current weight loss. Of course with the weight loss it would be good! The only way around this is to be very mindful and take out the stress on something else.

Thank goodness there's dance class tonight!

Getting Back on Track

I can't believe its only been about two weeks since I got back from my trip! I feel like I have done so much in such a short span of time. I've been getting back on track with the food plan. Getting back on track with work. Getting back on track with the singing and clarinet lessons. Getting back on track with the Brunei Speakers' Club. And now, it's time to get back on track with the physical activities! 

When I was in the States, I managed 4 walks, all one hour each. And it felt so good to be able to do that and appreciate the scenery at the same time. I felt it certainly helped me not put on weight while I was in the land of so much food I could eat!

I went for a walk with Elaine this morning at Bukit Shahbandar and I felt I have made so much progress compared to the previous few times we have been together. Not having the excess weight certainly helps! I don't feel that I have to carry such a burden anymore. And Elaine shared with me that she has discovered this little aerobics place in Kiulap in front of Lilli Lingerie. It's worth checking out so we have agreed on Monday at 7pm we'll do one class together.

Balancing exercise, work, family time, social time and me time is now important to me. I still remember myself 1 year ago when we were "assessing" where do we spend parts of our life and under health, in terms of percentage, it was a ZERO. At that point in time, yes I cared about my health but I was not willing to do anything about it. Wow, it sure has changed big time! And I'm really grateful I had that wake up call amongst other wake up calls.

So starting next week, exercise three times a week. Aerobics on Monday, Dance Lessons on Wednesday and Walks on Sunday! 

Life is GOOD! 

Are you on a crash diet?

A lot of people at work are starting to notice the weight loss. A lot of them have asked me how I do it. And I got asked by one colleague, are you on a crash diet? I was like no no no! I probably would have in the past but now I know I don't have to!

Wikipedia says:

A crash diet is a diet which is extreme in its nutritional deprivations, typically severely restricting calorie intake. It is meant to achieve rapid weight loss and may differ from outright starvation only slightly. They are not meant to last for long periods of time, at most a few weeks. Importantly, the term specifically implies a lack of concern for proper nutrition.

I am proud to say that I have been eating really well and healthy over the past few months and that I care about the quality of food more than anything else. On top of that, I am not depriving myself. My body is getting what it needs. I just feel good with what I'm doing now. I sometimes go into "I miss eating that" mode but I realize it's only just a thought that can be changed!

New Year Resolutions

I am just amazed how this year I personally know people who have embarked on some sort of weight loss program. Whether they signed up for one or whether it's one they have created based on their own research, it doesn't matter which one they do, it's actually all about taking action! And I'm proud for each and everyone of them because I can safely say, I know how it feels like to finally coming to terms with it.

I now have 3 colleagues who are undergoing their own adventures in weight loss and it is so wonderful for me to know that we are all in it together! It's all about supporting one another and being one another's inspiration. They are already inspiring me with at least a 1kg to 2kg weight loss!

I commend them and my friends for their courage, their determination and their love for life and themselves by taking care of the physical being that houses their beautiful spirit! Don't be afraid of the light and the greatness within!

Feeling Dry

I've not been drinking enough water. My cheeks are so dry! And on Monday I actually had a sore throat from lack of water intake.

Imperative for optimal weight loss and for the removal of toxins is to drink at least 2 litres of water a day which is a habit I have not yet solidified.

I remember I once went to this holistic clinic in Singapore and that time it was a different kind of diet that I went through which I was not too successful because probably that time I was not ready. After filling out a long application form, one of the prescribed ways to lose weight was for me to drink 3.2 litres of water a day! I worked it out to be a mug of water every hour.

I didn't sustain in doing so because it meant I would keep on going to the bathroom which I did in the beginning but I read somewhere that your body will adjust after 6 months and that you will go to the bathroom much less.

I remember my friends used to say, "Love yourself, make sure you go when you need to go! Don't hold it in!"

It's funny they say that but it's so true! Taking care of your body as unit requires so many other parts in order to make it all work together!

What have you done for yourself lately?

I was speaking to one of the adventurers today and she said to me that her husband is really proud of her for choosing to go on this adventure. It's not so much about the actual weight loss but it's more of acknowledging that she is doing something for herself and it's something really good for her too.

She is a full time mum, wife, daughter, sister and employee (and other roles). A person can get so caught up fulfilling all these roles that the one person they least pay attention to is themselves! The people in your life are important, definitely! But you are just as important too!

I recall a conversation I had with a close relative of mine. I was encouraging her to go on this adventure but she said that things at work are just too much and she wouldn't be able to cope. Work will always be there and you take care of your work but will your work take care of you? If you are not well, you will not be able to do your work. If you are not well, you will not be able to be the best of mums. If you are not well, you will not be able to take care of your husband. And so on and so forth...

Will you do something for yourself one of these days? A small step can go a long way. It's about acknowledging the greatness and the potential that you possess. I got this quote from Linda:

"Do not fail yourself by failing to act on the greatness in you. 

Learn to live a heroic life!"

And you will be able to do so much more for yourself and for others!

The Journey With No Destination

I had actually wanted to save this cartoon until the day I reached my target weight but now my perspective has changed. Read on...

Today Ley Hian pointed out that I am on a journey with no destination. And in fact, we are all on some journey without a destination. You might think this seems odd... but I understand her perspective.

When I started this adventure, all I ever focused on was losing that 40-50-60kg because all I ever cared about was seeing results and see the numbers on the scale moving down. But Ley Hian asked me, "After you reach your target weight, then what?" To which I replied, "Well I move on to phase 2." 

And then what happens after phase 2? There's phase 3. Then what happens after phase 3? There's the rest of your life.

So come to think of it, even though you have this target weight to achieve, you still have to keep on going no matter what - to continue to eat healthily and to live a healthy life and that your physical temple that houses your soul and spirit i.e. your body is healthy too.

It dawned upon me that there's actually no "end" in sight. And that's when the concept of "goals" is short lived. You achieve one goal and then what? You go ahead make another goal and achieve that one. And then what? Well, here comes another goal and then achieve towards it. You never stop!

What life then do you lead if your goals are never ending? An exciting one I would say! There's nothing wrong with goals but we must remember that there is a HIGHER intention why we do what we do. And this is a great reminder for me, over and over again the underlying reason I embarked on this adventure. My intention is to be healthy - my body, my heart, my mind and my soul. In this process of fulfilling this intention, I set small goals to be achieved, milestones to make sure I am on the right track. But now I know that I do not have a destination. Some people may view this negatively if I have not been able to express this clearly but my perspective is that, even though there is no destination, it's up to me to make the journey an exciting one because this is the life I deserve to lead.

Alignment of the Head and the Heart

This morning I listened to a free webinar organized by Adventures in Weight Loss by Annie Barkl, the psychologist who has worked closely with Graham Park as she too went on her own adventure.

It was amazing what she was saying was exactly how I was feeling! One of my previous entries about having a skewed perspective about myself was discussed and even Graham admitted that he too felt the same way when he had lost 40+kg as he looked at himself in the mirror.

Listening to this webinar has really given me more resolve to continue my adventure and not to let my head overrule my heart. This is an excerpt of the conversation my heart and my head has from time to time:

Head: "Man, sticking to this diet is tough. Are you sure it's worth it giving up the pizza, ice cream and fries?"

Heart: "I'm doing this for me. I am choosing to be healthy."

Head: "Healthy? Life is too short to start eliminating all the food that can make you feel good!"

Heart: "Life is not all about food! I am choosing to be in charge of my life and not let food dictate how I should feel!"

Head: "Yeah but you're like cringing at all the attention you're getting now that you have started losing all this weight. It makes you feel uncomfortable! And some people have said they preferred you fat! You were so much cuter when you were just chubby!"

Heart: "They are NOT living MY LIFE! I know you're trying to push my buttons. You're just old programming that needs to be altered! You have to understand, this is the beginning of the REST of MY LIFE!"

Head: "Man, I sure can see that you're really adamant about this thing."

Heart: "Yup, I am. And you know, I would really like you to be a part of this. You're really important to me. What say we work together?"

Head: "How?"

Heart: "I will keep the intention strong in my heart and you can help keep me focused using the head. How does that sound?"

Head: "You know, it sounds like you really know me well. That's my strength!"

Heart: "I have known you for a long time. I'm just getting to understand you better that's all. You and I have a deal?"

Head: "You bet! Let's see how this is going to turn out on 1 January!"

Heart: "Why 1 January?"

Head: "It's nice to look forward to something positive..."

Heart: "I can see you and I are going to make a GREAT team when we're aligned!"

I had intentionally put in some key things that I had picked out from listening to the webinar.

I really liked it when Annie said that next time, when sitting at a dinner table or any other meal for that matter is to sit there smiling to yourself like you have a secret. The secret is, the same time next year, it's going to be a slimmer, healthier and sexier you sitting at that table. Waaah... I can sure imagine that! The adventure continues!

It's all worth it because I'm worth it!

Commitment

I so love this poem! I am choosing to be committed on this adventure! And I am committed to my life!

Goethe "On Commitment"

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it.

Begin it now.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
1749-1832