I will not lie...

I will not lie.

I have not been doing too well on my adventure. The scale has been fluctuating between 84.x, 85 and 86.x kg. This has been going on for maybe 2 months or so now.

I succumb to moments whereby I eat things which I'm not supposed to eat.

Believe me, guilt and fear settles in quite quickly. I fear about going back to my previous size, not being able to fit into the beautiful dresses that I now can wear and above all, looking like a failure in front of others who now see me as a success. I dwell in the negativity because it makes me feel that I don't have to own the problem and believe that there is something else out there I can blame rather than take responsibility for the consequences of my actions. 

So what do I blame? I blame my hormones. I blame stress. I blame the cold air conditioning in my office. I blame that other people make the food look so good. I blame the food for being placed in front of me the first place. And the list goes on and on...

I had an emotional moment last Saturday. I cried my eyes out. Why did I cry? I cried because I felt like a failure since the scale had not shifted in a long while. And while I knew, I was the one who caused that, my ego didn't want to accept it. 

I spoke to Ley Hian who seemed to understand the turmoil I was going through even though she herself had never had the need to embark on her own weight loss adventure, she has an adventure of her own in terms of her health and life in itself.

Now, rather than asking, "What's wrong with me?" or "Why am I so bad?" I have learned from Ley Hian to now start asking different questions such as "Moving forward, what can I do which is best for me?" or "What can I do which does not involve eating to resolve my emotions?"

I realized that it is time I took responsibility for my actions. I caused the numbers on the weighing scale not to go down. I chose to eat oily potato chips as part of my snacks. I chose to indulge in a little bit here and there thinking that it won't hurt but knowing time and time again, it will. It was all me.

The interesting thing is, when I have this awareness, and I eat those chips with consciousness, it's such a strange feeling. My mind is telling me, "You're actually eating something you're not supposed to eat!" And another part of me answers, "Yes I am. I am responsible for the consequences of the decisions that I make." Does it make things instantly better there and then? Not really. But at least now, I know that there is no one to blame. It is all up to me to make it happen once again.

Asking the right questions can really change your life... 

Moving forward, what do I do now which best serves me?