The Last Supper?

It felt a bit strange having dinner this evening knowing that it was my "last" no holds barred meal. My mind debated whether I should actually go through with this. Mummy made her very yummy custard which she only makes once a year during the fasting month. And my mind was saying, "think about all those yummy food you're going to miss!" Uhuh. I think I've already stuffed myself with yummy food over the past 25 years (not counting the first 5 years when I was fed food which I did not necessarily choose). What is just 6 to 8 months not eating it all? 

Actually my dad suggested that I ought to start after the fasting month is over and enjoy the first 10 days of Hari Raya. I could. That would have been an option but I was thinking to myself, I've had many years of enjoying good Hari Raya food and for some reason I brought myself back to those days where I felt bloated from eating so much. I don't think I would like to put myself through that. I look at all my baju kurungs which I've accumulated over the past few years and I think it would be nice to fit into some of them again.

Last night I had dinner at Pek Ching and YC's house. The chef was Boon Hui and he cooked us a fantastic meal! We had lamb with potatoes, roast chicken drumstick, seafood pasta, mashed potatoes, salad and pumpkin soup. I really enjoyed my meal but I wondered whether I was eating to compensate I would not get to enjoy some of the food come the start of the eating plan. By the time dessert came, I had my portion AND part of Yvonne's portion and I knew that I was over doing it. I think before I wouldn't have given it much thought. Just the idea of going on this eating plan is already raising my levels of awareness.

Some of my friends who were present at the dinner were saying to me that if I lose all this weight that I have right now I wouldn't be as huggable as they have experienced all this time. *Sigh* I really appreciate them for accepting me for who they see on the inside but it really is important I do this. It has really become clear that I am doing this for myself and no one else. 

It's time to get serious. And I will do my best!

Pills Pills Pills

I carried my folder to work today to show some of my colleagues. And I guess I was hoping I would have time to read it but I didn't. But what was stuck at the back of my mind was that I needed to get the supplements to go with this programme.

Being on a few programmes before, they would normally ask you to buy supplements which are their own brand and product line as part of the programme which I am convinced is just a gimmick to make more money. I was surprised when I found out the programme relied on supplements from Pharmanex.

One of the ways to be successful in a programme such as this is proper supplementation to support the body and through my blood test, they were able to identify which supplements would be ideal for me to consume as part of the eating plan. And when I read further the descriptions of the recommended supplements, I begin to understand why they were recommended. Now I am not sure if this is just marketing involved but it sounds like "wow - so good ah!"

The targeted supplements are meant to help you: 

1. Reduced nutritional cravings - no more cravings for Maggi Mee!

2. Insulin stabilization (loss of sugar cravings) - no more cravings for a DQ Blizzard!

3. Increased energy - more dance classes!

4. Improved sleep patterns - no more sleeping late?

5. Lowered stress and improved cortisol levels - no more waking up with moments of panic!

6. Improved metabolic response - the fat keeps on burning! Great!

The funny thing was when I went to Nu Skin just now, they had none of the supplements in stock! My balloon deflated temporarily but I can view it that (a) these supplements are really popular and (b) they just don't order a lot in the first place. I like to think (a) would be the case! Supplies should be coming in next week and they would give me a call.

I will be consuming the following:

1. Lifepak 

2. TRA Complex

3. Relaxation Formula

4. Marine Omega

Each of them have their own benefits and will assist with the weight loss. In the mean time, I will still continue my other set of supplements while waiting for these to arrive.

In my head, all I can think of is the founder of the programme Graham Park who lost 43kgs in 23 weeks! If he can do it, so can I! And just so you can be inspired too, here are his before and after photos taken from his website http://www.7weightlosssecrets.com/

Thank You Graham!

Finally!

The food plan has arrived! What a strange courier service. It took a week for it to arrive from Kuching. So now that it's here, what do I do? I've started reading the file and collecting questions to ask Mio Ting what I can, can't do, should do, shouldn't do, do a lot of etc.

There's the front cover of this file which I would like to share -

Personalised Meal Plan

Client Name: Siti Rozana M Yunos (they got that from my blood test results)

Prepared By: Dr Barry Ryan - Australian Weightloss and Michelle Anderson - Chief Client Consultant (she lost 10kg in 5 weeks!)

Date: 20 August 2009

Initial Weight: 120kg (yes I am that heavy)

Goal Weight: 60kg (I almost fell off my chair!)

Included in this report:

1. Overview

2. Test Results

3. Supplement Information

4. Personalised Eating Plan (most important!)

5. Exercise Information

6. Food Diary

7. Success Diary and Before Photos

To follow (after reaching my goal weight)

1. Phase two of eating plan

2. Phase three "On the Road Aagain" plan for life

3. Personalised exercise plan

Inside the file is also a measuring tape and a DVD "The Ultimate Weightloss Seminar" and "12 Minutes Activity Program"

I need to do some shopping! Without getting into too much detail here, I will now buy 

1. a digital scale to weigh my food

2. a digital scale to weigh myself and

3. food that fits the eating plan

So I watched the DVD. Some parts interest me and some did not. I listened with great interest to Annie Barki a psychologist who lost 18kg being on the programme and she brought up some great points. Most of the time, it's not all about the food! It's about our minds the programming we've gone through (like we must finish everything on our plates) and that most of us are uncomfortable about looking fantastic for various reasons. The biggest challenge to our success is FEAR. The fear of failure is one but also it's the fear of being responsible because once the weight begins to come off, we are now responsible, we now have to make choices and to always stay in control since we got ourselves there. No more binging and hiding behind our weight to allow us to make unhealthy choices what goes into our mouths.

After reading my file, I kind of have lost my appetite and it got me thinking deeply about myself. I liked it when she said, "it's not about acting seriously but seriously acting." The success of any programme is the ability to take ACTION. And mom reminded me again, "If you don't follow this, I will pull your hair!" Scary! I love my hair!

So now, the journey begins. I will be making preparations over the weekend and then off we go! More details to follow as I progress.

Life IS an adventure!

After our usual weekly Brunei Speakers' Club meeting, Josephine, Liz and myself decided to head to Cheezebox to catch up. The original intention was to help Jos with her upcoming speech. And I sat there thinking, life is not about just "weight loss", even having an adventure in weight loss means you still have to lead your life and life is full of adventures regardless of what you do!

It relates to the cartoon here (a BIG thank you to Randy for allowing me the rights to use his cartoons at a very reasonable fee) that you can be thin but still be unhappy. I then ask, what makes life meaningful for me at the end of the day? Don't get me wrong, I still am choosing to do this programme but I must remember not to be obsessed by it and that there is still a wonderful life to lead and surrounded by great people.

The goal would be to achieve weight loss (yet to be revealed!) and the intention is to be healthy so as to lead a long life that is full of meaning and joy!

And what makes my life meaningful? When I am able to do the things I love and make a big difference to myself and others with all the talents that God has given me. And there's so much to explore out there and so much potential to tap into.

I only ate half of what was on my plate just now so even though the meal plan has not arrived yet (I hope it arrives soon!), it's time to start making choices that will help get me started in that direction. 

I'm a big, big girl... in a big, big world...

I'm about to do something which I thought I never thought I would do... and that is... actually post my "before" picture up with this entry. Since I am still not totally comfortable with "revealing" myself so much in this early part of my journey, I will only give the front view and maybe over time share the side profile. At least this is a start of... commitment? I mean who would want to do this and then not succeed right? *Rozana does her best to psych herself up!* I meet a lot of people and so they don't have to say it but I sometimes know what they are thinking... or is it me that's thinking that way and then I think it's actually them thinking it? Anyway, here goes *deep breath*

Please tilt your heads to the left to appreciate my smile.

So how did I end up so big? Well, the love for food would be one. But the love of food can be used as a way to hide one's self. You get emotional, let's eat! You get happy, let's eat! You get stressed, let's eat! You're with friends, more reason to eat! I ate because I thought I was not good enough. I was told that if you truly loved yourself, to look at yourself in the mirror, into those windows that hold your soul and really felt the love for you, you would take care of the physical "temple" that houses your spirit. I've tried a few times to do that but it takes a lot of practice, self-awareness and the overall feeling of gratitude for what you are and what you have and to accept that you are definitely worth it and good enough for anything.

Also, food can be an addiction. Only eating that chocolate makes you feel good eh? I'm not saying chocolate is bad, I will be one of those who agree with others out there that everything in moderation is acceptable but... I went over the edge just a little. I liked food, enjoyed it and ate it... maybe a little bit too much at times. Maybe I should talk to that guy who created the quote about life being too short...

Then there's the lack of exercise. I used to go to the gym 5 times a week, had a personal trainer who pushed me and I kept that up for almost a year. When did it go downhill? When I fell down half a flight of stairs, hurt my foot real bad to the point where I thought it was broken and since it took a while to recover, I couldn't bring myself to exercise again. I used it as an excuse to have an easy life. From then I earned myself the title of "Miss Start-Stop" because I would start an exercise programme and then stop after a while for various reasons - no time, too busy, work is suddenly more important, I'm not seeing the results fast enough, I'm too tired and so on. Hey, if I can start making excuses maybe it's high time I actually stopped making them too!

And there are friends who convince you being cuddly is just the way to go! I've been told by many that I'm just so nice to hug. I am. And I've been told having fuller cheeks will make me look younger and cuter. I am cute and young. I really appreciate their compliments and I am grateful to have good friends who love me for who I am. At the end of the day, I have now asked myself, what do I want? How do I choose to live? And who do I choose to become?

These are just some of the reasons. I've been small once, I'm ready to do my best to get there again and maybe this time even beyond that.

Mio Ting

It was in March 2009 when I attended CV5 (Core Value Training Module 5) in Kuching that brought Mio Ting to my attention. I met Mio Ting in March 2006 when she and I were class mates in CV2 and I never had paid any attention to her body because probably I was so concerned about mine! To me, she has always been slim. So I was surprised when my friends started asking me, "Have you seen Mio Ting? She has lost so much weight!" I was like "Eh?" It was then I started paying attention to Mio Ting during the next few days while attending class.

The only difference I had observed was that she was now sporting short hair. Then the second thing I observed was that she was more mindful about the food she was eating compared to all of us eating the food provided during meals which sometimes can be deemed "unhealthy". At that point I had not asked her anything and acted "normal" although I was curious.

Mio Ting - Before

It was a couple of months later where I decided to check out her Facebook profile and sure enough there were before and after pictures of her, of her own adventures in weight loss. A side view showed she had a tummy, her cheeks were fuller and she looked bigger. And in the next photo, 6 weeks later, she had lost 8kg, her tummy was flat, her cheeks were no longer puffy and she looked really slim. It was not an "unhealthy" slim either.

I thought, whatever she's doing... I wonder if I could do it too?

Fast forward to July 2009 where I met Lee, her husband who is one of the instructors for CV. I remember that day I sat with Lee outside Villa 6 of Empire Hotel expressing my discontentment over something (too detailed to get into it here) and he asked me, "What were one of your proudest moments in your life?" And for some reason, the first thing I answered was, "When I lost 10kg a long time ago." 

Mio Ting - After

He looked at me and he said, "Even though you're not admitting it, I think one of the keys to your happiness is you losing weight." I could only hold back my tears. How I dream of being smaller! He said, "I went on the same programme as Mio Ting, my weight now is what I used to be when I was 18 years old." And he did look a lot slimmer, younger and more energetic. I thought to myself, now is the time to take action.

Still in doubt, I waited for CV Grad Cambodia that July to see if I could catch up with Mio Ting over her success and also just to clear up some doubts I had. That chance was granted to me where I ended up filling in the form, signing my name on the bottom, took the "before" pictures and looked forward to having my blood test taken when I get home after the trip.

I paid the fee (there's no such thing as a free lunch!), submitted my blood test results and await what the food plan will be in order for me to begin this adventure. 

Mio Ting will be my consultant. She will give her full support as I embark on this programme. I also have support from home coming from my Mum who said "I will knock you over the head if you don't follow this one!" Right Mum... you got me there!

Thanks Mio Ting for helping me get started. Where is that food plan? I await patiently while dreaming what it would be like to fit into one my favourite skirts again...

Mio Ting - An Inspiration!

A Hari Raya Greeting

I actually kept this in my phone inbox since Hari Raya 2008 because I thought about recycling it for the following year. I thought it's very amusing and reflects today's use of technology...

"Di hari yang mulia ini, mari kita mengupload sebanyak doa dan mendownload sebanyak pahala dan rahmat... (sebab speed bagus hari ani, nada lagi lagging), restore kembali fitrah, delete segala benci dan dengki agar kita dapat sign in sebagai orang-orang yang mulia, beriman dan bertakwa. On kan firewall sentiasa supaya nada virus menggoda..."

I'll celebrate to that any time of the year!