My Mad Moment Sussed Out

In one of my previous entries, I had asked "What does a mad moment look like?" and by jove, I think I've got it! (very thick British accent)

According to the rules set out in this adventure, whenever you have a "mad moment", it will set your weight loss back by 5 days. Not sure of the science behind it but my semi-logical mind tells me that because you have been detoxing your body and the sudden rush of "chemicals" the body is not accustomed to will have an effect on the acceleration of metabolism as a result of the detox. It will slow down the burn that was created because the body is trying to figure out what are all these "new" foreign substances!

There are two versions of a "mad moment":

Version 1

When you pig out and eat with abandon!

Version 2

You don't pig out but at each meal or at each snack you say, "A little bit of this or that won't hurt." And then you keep doing it each time and have a little bit here and a little bit there. As they say, "Sikit-sikit, lama-lama jadi bukit!" Direct translation: "Bit by bit, after awhile it will turn into a hill!" And we go down the slope from there... It all adds up!

The concept of "a little bit won't hurt you" is a lovely reassuring concept, however, I realized that if I'm really serious about seeing results and I've worked so darn hard so far, is to just keep on going and ignore the voice inside my head that says, "a little bit won't hurt you, you've done so well so far!" Uhuh... not when you have another 20-30kg left to go!

I really would like to see the scale move down to 99.1kg please! That would be me hitting my 20kg mark equivalent to my second bag of rice. But because, and I will openly admit that I am human, I've been naughty last week with Version 2 of my mad moment(s), it's not moving fast enough.

So there, I should have been a good student and followed the rules to see results but I guess I needed to do it this way so that I could internalize the lesson faster! Again, not to judge myself or beat myself up, just learn the lesson and move on.

I was good today! 

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Now half-way through this adventure, a lot of changes are taking place with this body of mine. And one of those changes is, I'm losing my butt. Is it just me or is it flatter? When I was bigger, it was obviously rounder. I think someone had said they could sit a mug on top of it! I'm happy with the reduction in size but it doesn't look as "firm" as before. So I express this to some friends.

Elaine having introduced me to dancing suggested that we go for a walk at Bukit Shahbandar. Now I have an aversion to hills. I really think going up and down those hills are not good for my knees although I wonder if it's just a thought. On my Sunday morning, I agreed to go walking with her because she assured me it would be just a walk around the park.

There we were, 7:15am, it was slightly wet after the rain the night before and in the morning, the air felt fresh and I was dressed appropriately. We started walking around the park as she had suggested and there were some undulations here and there. It was manageable although I noticed I seemed to walk really slow! And then, she starts going up some steps.

Hmmm... I said, "I thought we're not going up?" 

And she replied, "These are just baby steps, you'll be fine."

They were definitely baby steps, what felt like a long way up though! My heart was pumping and my first thought was, "I'm so unfit!"

Elaine said, "Don't say that."

She's right. Change the languaging, "I'm getting fitter!"

Elaine then said, "Well you said you wanted to firm your butt and work on your legs!"

Ah yes... I recall saying that!

With that reminder, I kept my mouth shut, focused on what was ahead, being slow going up and down and at the same time being careful. I said a couple of affirmations in my head to keep me going and I started noticing the plants around me. We walked for an hour.

The reward for the day was the view of the sea meeting the horizon, with the fog on the top of the luscious green trees and Elaine saying to me, "You wouldn't have done this a year ago." Also a great big reminder, it feels great to be ALIVE!

She's right. I would have avoided doing this. And so now I am more mindful about what I say, because it will manifest itself in one or another! Next Sunday here I come!

A Skewed Perspective

To date I've lost up to 18kg so far and as I look at myself in the mirror, I find that I just see me as I normally see myself. What I'm trying to say is, I don't really see a smaller person looking back at me. I just see myself as big while others keep telling me I am shrinking in size. Now I know how those who have been deemed anorexic feel like.

Obviously being with this body for so long, you get used to what you see especially when you see yourself everyday. I have to keep on REMINDING myself that I've come so far. While I outwardly celebrate the success and soon the second bag of rice coming up, the way I see myself does not match the feelings of success.

Feeling this contradiction and having this awareness, I have decided to paste an affirmation on the mirror about my body so as to nourish it with love as it continues on this journey. Now the next practice is to look at myself in the eyes (while looking at the mirror) and to really celebrate the person that I am no matter the weight, the size, the shape, the height, the colour etc... 

Jennifer actually gave me this idea, which just didn't seem obvious to me because when I went to their place in Taipei, she had these affirmations I sent her through email stuck on her mirror. I thought it's a brilliant idea and all brilliant ideas ought to be practiced!

I got these affirmations from one of Louise Hay's books on affirmations.

I love my body

My body is a glorious place to live. I rejoice that I have chosen this particular body because it is perfect for me in this lifetime. It is the perfect size and shape and colour. It serves me so well. I marvel at the miracle that is my body. I choose the healing thoughts that create and maintain my healthy body and make me feel good. I love and appreciate my beautiful body!

I love my weight

I am the perfect weight for my self at this moment, It is exactly the weight that I have accepted for myself. I have the ability to change my weight if I desire. I choose the thoughts that keep me comfortable and satisfied with my body and its size. I love and appreciate my beautiful weight.

At the moment I'm listening to an audio CD by Louise Hay called 101 Power Thoughts and it's really brilliant! When I am present and paying attention to what she is saying (because sometimes the mind just drifts away), it just gives me those a-ha! moments and I do my best to internalize the affirmation. When I remember it, I just have to *smile*.

The Traveller in Me

I recently came back from Taiwan and I must say, it was tough for me. But some general tips for those who are on this adventure and are needing to travel:

*Don't mix the proteins
*Drink enough water
*Continue taking your supplements
*Bring your snacks with you at all times
*When eating at restaurants, order dishes that are cooked simply (i.e. grilled, steamed, baked...)

I did my best to stick to the general tips but given the situation I was in and the country I was visiting, I ended up becoming mostly vegetarian. Now people think that becoming a vegetarian it will help with the weight loss but the opposite was true in my case.

I was feeling quite stressed out that I could not follow my diet and at one point I broke down. It's so easy to go into blaming others when things don't go the way you would like it to be but later I realized that I was feeling angry with myself because I had allowed past thoughts to affect my present moment.

My past thought was that I had a fear about being fat again because I know what it feels like and so I thought me not following my diet meant that I would go fat all over again. So this fear really consumed me at that point in time. And to a certain extent, I had viewed the diet as fear-based too because it said if you had a "mad moment" it can set your weight loss back by 5 days.

How do you even define a "mad moment"? What does it look like? What effect will it have on the body? With the realization and questions I started asking, I stopped freaking out and focused on DOING MY BEST with the current circumstances I was in. And my holiday turned out much better!

By the time I got back to Brunei, I had put on weight by 1.3kg. A slight freak out while I was on the weighing scale but I brought myself back to what happened during Hari Raya and it was just to get back into the groove of the diet and all will be well. It turned out the extra 1.3kg was water retention because when I weighed myself the next day, I was back to the weight I had started off with when I went to Taiwan at 104kg!

Phewh!

My First Bag of Rice (Results After Week 4)

By the end of week 4, I stepped on the weighing scale and... I had lost a total of 9.6kg.

I was really hoping to lose my first 10kg by the end of the first month but it didn't happen. Was I disappointed? Not really. I had Liz's voice in my head who told me that sometimes it's not about the numbers, it's more about how you feel inside. And she's actually quite right. I feel really good about having lost weight in general that it doesn't matter how much! All this time the scale had been going up, so it's really nice for a change that the scale is actually going in the opposite direction!

Just today, which is 4 weeks plus 2 days, I stepped on the weighing scale and I jumped up and down for joy! I've hit the 10kg mark! Woo hoo! 

I had been saying that if I lose my first 10kg, I will buy a bag of rice to commemorate or to remind me that is how much I have lost. At least there is a physical reminder for me not to slip into bad or old habits or to give in to temptation.

Rozi goes a step further telling me that I ought to carry this bag of rice with me up and down the stairs. She says that it's good exercise for the arms. For me, it's a reminder that's how it felt like going up and down the stairs with 10kg extra on me.

My friends are so supportive! Shawn has sponsored my first bag of rice and dropped it off this evening after I had sent him and some other close friends a text message of my achievement. Thank you Shawn!

Shane says I ought to commemorate this achievement by buying something to remind me of the hard work I've put in. What can I treat myself to? After much deliberation, I had announced to her and the girls that I would get a pair of new shoes. Hunting for the right pair of shoes will be fun considering I've been wearing flats all this time, a nice pair of heels will be great!

But there's something else I would like and that is a laptop bag for my laptop(s). I was recommended to buy a Crumpler bag but I can't decide which. I was advised to bring my laptop to the shop to actually test which bag would be best.

Choices... choices... whatever it is, it feels so liberating knowing that right now, ANYTHING seems possible!

The Hari Raya Challenge

                  The goodies at our house

Phewh! It was actually really tough for me during the first 2 weeks of Hari Raya. It again brings to my awareness how a lot of our customs, celebrations and traditions involve so much food! 

I can't believe how this time, I had to say "NO" to beef rendang, ayam masak merah, the ketupat, the satay, the cheese, the brownies (which I made!), the tapak kuda, the kek lapis, the popiah udang... and the list goes on and on! I was really good the first day of Hari Raya. It was easier to manage because I was at my house and I could control what goes in my mouth. I had a tuna salad for lunch and unfortunately my dinner was very late because there were lots of guests whom I happily entertained.

And then the second day of Hari Raya that was when trouble started. Normally we go visiting to my Aunt's house, my cousins' houses and several other houses all having their respective open houses. And already at the my Aunt's house I suffered! She normally cooks really good food and I couldn't have any of it! Then at my cousin's house, they had this FAT curry puff which looked so good to eat! But later I found out that it was not as nice. So it goes to show, never judge a book by it's cover - does not apply to human beings and books only! As the day progressed... I actually broke down! Meaning to say, I gave in!

Wina tempting me...

 

But the biggest realization out of this whole experience was not to beat myself up because I had waivered for that day, and for some parts of the week and for some parts of the Hari Raya month. I could have easily just "let it all go" but I didn't. Instead, I knew what I should have not done and from there just move on. By the time the whole long weekend was over, I was back on my diet and felt good about the whole process.

Shane's Trip to Food Paradise

I received a text message from Shane today. She went on a business trip to Hong Kong. I've been to Hong Kong before and the halal food I've tasted there is so yummy! I especially love the funky desserts they have! And Hong Kong is known to be "Food Paradise" that even the Asian Food Channel or was it Travel and Living has a competition about winning a trip for food and wine in Hong Kong! So imagine what it would be like when you can eat anything and everything!

Here's what she said,

"Hi girl! How u doing? I survived a trip to food paradise, so proud of myself not giving in to temptation!! Lost 5.2kg so far! yay!!!"

Congratulations Shane!  I am so proud of you!

*Pat on back for you and a BIG HUG to go with it!*