I'm a big, big girl... in a big, big world...

I'm about to do something which I thought I never thought I would do... and that is... actually post my "before" picture up with this entry. Since I am still not totally comfortable with "revealing" myself so much in this early part of my journey, I will only give the front view and maybe over time share the side profile. At least this is a start of... commitment? I mean who would want to do this and then not succeed right? *Rozana does her best to psych herself up!* I meet a lot of people and so they don't have to say it but I sometimes know what they are thinking... or is it me that's thinking that way and then I think it's actually them thinking it? Anyway, here goes *deep breath*

Please tilt your heads to the left to appreciate my smile.

So how did I end up so big? Well, the love for food would be one. But the love of food can be used as a way to hide one's self. You get emotional, let's eat! You get happy, let's eat! You get stressed, let's eat! You're with friends, more reason to eat! I ate because I thought I was not good enough. I was told that if you truly loved yourself, to look at yourself in the mirror, into those windows that hold your soul and really felt the love for you, you would take care of the physical "temple" that houses your spirit. I've tried a few times to do that but it takes a lot of practice, self-awareness and the overall feeling of gratitude for what you are and what you have and to accept that you are definitely worth it and good enough for anything.

Also, food can be an addiction. Only eating that chocolate makes you feel good eh? I'm not saying chocolate is bad, I will be one of those who agree with others out there that everything in moderation is acceptable but... I went over the edge just a little. I liked food, enjoyed it and ate it... maybe a little bit too much at times. Maybe I should talk to that guy who created the quote about life being too short...

Then there's the lack of exercise. I used to go to the gym 5 times a week, had a personal trainer who pushed me and I kept that up for almost a year. When did it go downhill? When I fell down half a flight of stairs, hurt my foot real bad to the point where I thought it was broken and since it took a while to recover, I couldn't bring myself to exercise again. I used it as an excuse to have an easy life. From then I earned myself the title of "Miss Start-Stop" because I would start an exercise programme and then stop after a while for various reasons - no time, too busy, work is suddenly more important, I'm not seeing the results fast enough, I'm too tired and so on. Hey, if I can start making excuses maybe it's high time I actually stopped making them too!

And there are friends who convince you being cuddly is just the way to go! I've been told by many that I'm just so nice to hug. I am. And I've been told having fuller cheeks will make me look younger and cuter. I am cute and young. I really appreciate their compliments and I am grateful to have good friends who love me for who I am. At the end of the day, I have now asked myself, what do I want? How do I choose to live? And who do I choose to become?

These are just some of the reasons. I've been small once, I'm ready to do my best to get there again and maybe this time even beyond that.

Mio Ting

It was in March 2009 when I attended CV5 (Core Value Training Module 5) in Kuching that brought Mio Ting to my attention. I met Mio Ting in March 2006 when she and I were class mates in CV2 and I never had paid any attention to her body because probably I was so concerned about mine! To me, she has always been slim. So I was surprised when my friends started asking me, "Have you seen Mio Ting? She has lost so much weight!" I was like "Eh?" It was then I started paying attention to Mio Ting during the next few days while attending class.

The only difference I had observed was that she was now sporting short hair. Then the second thing I observed was that she was more mindful about the food she was eating compared to all of us eating the food provided during meals which sometimes can be deemed "unhealthy". At that point I had not asked her anything and acted "normal" although I was curious.

Mio Ting - Before

It was a couple of months later where I decided to check out her Facebook profile and sure enough there were before and after pictures of her, of her own adventures in weight loss. A side view showed she had a tummy, her cheeks were fuller and she looked bigger. And in the next photo, 6 weeks later, she had lost 8kg, her tummy was flat, her cheeks were no longer puffy and she looked really slim. It was not an "unhealthy" slim either.

I thought, whatever she's doing... I wonder if I could do it too?

Fast forward to July 2009 where I met Lee, her husband who is one of the instructors for CV. I remember that day I sat with Lee outside Villa 6 of Empire Hotel expressing my discontentment over something (too detailed to get into it here) and he asked me, "What were one of your proudest moments in your life?" And for some reason, the first thing I answered was, "When I lost 10kg a long time ago." 

Mio Ting - After

He looked at me and he said, "Even though you're not admitting it, I think one of the keys to your happiness is you losing weight." I could only hold back my tears. How I dream of being smaller! He said, "I went on the same programme as Mio Ting, my weight now is what I used to be when I was 18 years old." And he did look a lot slimmer, younger and more energetic. I thought to myself, now is the time to take action.

Still in doubt, I waited for CV Grad Cambodia that July to see if I could catch up with Mio Ting over her success and also just to clear up some doubts I had. That chance was granted to me where I ended up filling in the form, signing my name on the bottom, took the "before" pictures and looked forward to having my blood test taken when I get home after the trip.

I paid the fee (there's no such thing as a free lunch!), submitted my blood test results and await what the food plan will be in order for me to begin this adventure. 

Mio Ting will be my consultant. She will give her full support as I embark on this programme. I also have support from home coming from my Mum who said "I will knock you over the head if you don't follow this one!" Right Mum... you got me there!

Thanks Mio Ting for helping me get started. Where is that food plan? I await patiently while dreaming what it would be like to fit into one my favourite skirts again...

Mio Ting - An Inspiration!

A Hari Raya Greeting

I actually kept this in my phone inbox since Hari Raya 2008 because I thought about recycling it for the following year. I thought it's very amusing and reflects today's use of technology...

"Di hari yang mulia ini, mari kita mengupload sebanyak doa dan mendownload sebanyak pahala dan rahmat... (sebab speed bagus hari ani, nada lagi lagging), restore kembali fitrah, delete segala benci dan dengki agar kita dapat sign in sebagai orang-orang yang mulia, beriman dan bertakwa. On kan firewall sentiasa supaya nada virus menggoda..."

I'll celebrate to that any time of the year!

Make Your Own Kind of Music ( Mama Cass Elliott )

My CEO has found me 'my song'! I've been feeling a bit blue over certain things lately and when she played me this song today in her office, it totally gave me a new perspective - when those days are tough, choose to keep on going and make your own kind of music even if nobody else sings along because you know that you are contributing to the greatest of intentions and for the good of all!

Nobody can tell ya;
There's only one song worth singin'.
They may try and sell ya,
'cause it hangs them up
to see somone like you.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.

So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.

You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.

You gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

The Race by D.H Groberg

I attended OTTERS TMC's meeting on 28 February at OGDC Seria and decided to present one of my speech projects. The last time I presented a speech was in October 2007. So it was high time that I did.

The current manual I'm working on is part of the Advanced Communication series called Interpretive Reading. Interpretive reading is a form of speech communication by itself, but it has functions in other areas as well. Any quotes you use in your speeches to illustrate a point will be far more effective if you can read them properly. In business, you may be called upon to present reports and speeches written by others. If you're a teacher or parent, you may read stories aloud to youngsters.

An interpretive reader will be communicate the ideas and emotions of someone else. The projects in this manual covers requires the speaker to convey the meaning and emotions of someone else to the audience. How you do this is mostly through the use of vocal techniques which I've acquired and got better at through Toastmasters.

The second project I did required me to Interpret Poetry. So I found this poem which I thought would be great to share and I practiced it lots to make sure that I got the feelings the author wanted to convey across to the audience.

The result? An inspirational evening!

The Race by D.H. Groberg
(extracted from "A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul" - Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen)

I
"Quit! Give up! You're beaten!"
They shout at me and plead.
"There's just too much against you now;
This time you can't succeed!"

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure's face
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene;
For just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being.

II
A children's race - young boys, young men -
How I remember well.
Excitement, sure! But also fear;
It wasn't hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race.
Or tie for first, or if not that,
At least take second place.

And fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering from his son
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went!
Young hearts and hopes afire.
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boy's desire.

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought;
"My dad will be so proud!"

But as he speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself
His hands flew out to brace,
And mid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope
- He couldn't win it now -
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished
To disappear somehow

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face.
Which to the boy so clearly said:
"Get up and win the race!"

He quickly rose, no damage done
- Behind a bit, that's all -
And ran with all his mind and might
To make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself
- to catch up and win -
His mind went faster than his legs;
He slipped and fell again!

He wished then he had quit before
With only one disgrace
"I'm hopeless as a runner now;
I shouldn't try this race."

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his father's face;
That steady look which said again:
"Get up and win the race!"

So he jumped up to try again
- Ten yards behind the last -
"If I'm going to gain those yards," he thought,
"I've got to move real fast."

Exerting everything he had
He gained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lied there silently
- A tear dropped from his eye -
"There's no sense running anymore:
Three strikes: I'm out! Why try?"

The will to rise had disappeared;
All hope had fled away;
So far behind; so error-prone
A loser all the way.

"I've lost, so what's the use," he thought
"I'll live with my disgrace."
But then he thought about his dad
Who soon he'd have to face.

"Get up," an echo sounded low.
"Get up and take your place;
You were not meant for failure here
Get up and win the race."

"With borrowed will get up," it said,
"You haven't lost it all.
For winning is no more than this;
To rise each time you fall."

So up he rose to run once more,
And with a new commit
He resolved that win or lose
At least he wouldn't quit.

So far behind the others now,
- The most he'd ever been -
Still he gave it all he had
And ran as though to win

Three times he'd fallen, stumbling;
Three times he rose again;
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place.
Head high, and proud, and happy;
No falling; no disgrace.

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line last place;
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last
With head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he'd won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said,
"I didn't do too well."
"To me, you won," his father said.
"You rose each time you fell."

III
And when things seem dark and hard
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race

For all of life is like that race.
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.

"Quit! Give up! You're beaten!"
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says
"GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!" 

Strategically Thinking About Relationships

This was another article that Amy shared with me that she got from RBA's Muhibah's magazine. They interviewed Chin-Ning Chu who wrote the the book The Art of War for Women - Sun Tzu's Ancient Strategies and Wisdoms for Winning at Work and she shared how 'strategic thinking' can be applied in our day-to-day lives. In her example, she shared about a relationship between a man and a woman.

Tao - Moral Standing and Motivation - How to make winning decisions.
"You look at this relationship and ask if it's right for you. Does the individual bring out the best in you? Does she/he have the education/intelligence that can stimulate you to your fullest potential? What can you contribute to enhance him/her and vice versa?

Tien - Timing or when to do what - timing lets you know which way to decide
"People get married because it's the time to do so and not because they've found the right person. This is especially true among Asians. I know of a friend who got hitched just because his father demanded he get married before moving to the US for further studies. So his wife entered into his life during this period and thus began a long and torturous life for him."

Di - Earth, terrain or resources. Di refers to the obstacles you face on the journey to a successful project. Di also includes the distances you need to travel to accomplish your goals.
"You have to exercise the financial and emotional resources to determine whether your potential partner is the right match for you. If you aren't emotionally rich, while your partner is emotionally needy, you'll be totally drained by the end of it. If you are not financially resourceful but your partner enjoys spending your money, your wedded bliss won't last long."

Jiang - Leadership - a leader must be wise, trustful, benevolent, courageous and strict
"In your everyday life, you are the leader for yourself. It is up to you to incorporate and examine the other elements of strategic thinking and to bring forth the proper vision and the plan of action."

Fa - Method or how to
"If you have determined that your present partner matches your strategic vision, you can proceed to pursue the said person and win them over. However, this doesn't mean that you blindly chase the person. Master Sun says "Know thyself and know thy opponents.: By knowing your lover's characteristics, background history and the events that contributed to his/her personality, you'll be able to determine how to act, react and interact with them."

The F Word

I wrote this speech for the Humorous Speech Contest in 2004 if I'm not mistaken. And I made it to Division level (I competed against other contestants from Sabah) and was first runner up! I had fun with this speech and I hope you have just as much fun reading it

The F Word by Rozana Yunos, ATM-B, CL

The F word is the most insulting word in the English language. It is so powerful, children scream, strong men shudder and animals run for cover. It makes you cringe and squirm in your seat. It will shock you and haunt you for the rest of your life. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you know what’s coming.

Good morning honourable judges, fellow Toastmasters, friends, ladies and gentlemen.

Usually, we never use the F word in Toastmasters but today, that F word will be muttered not only by me, eventually by all of you. Of course I’m speaking about FAT!

All my life I had done everything I could to make sure people accepted me, maybe even liked me despite my fat. I was the perfect daughter, a loyal friend and now working so hard to be a great Toastmaster.

As a fat child, I got called all sorts of names. I was chubby cheeks, thunder thighs, fatso and fatty. Now I have graduated to names like horizontally challenged, big boned, obese, heavy, large and overweight. I think chubby cheeks is so much cuter.

As a fat teenager, I never expected to wear any trendy clothes and each time I went shopping, they would ask me if I was pregnant. It still happens. I swear, if one more person congratulates me on being pregnant, I’ll scream!

Even when I go to the hairdresser, she tells me I need to lose weight but all I wanted was a haircut! When I go to my dentist and I complain about a toothache, he tells me to lose weight. Does my teeth have anything to do with my weight?

People told me, they could hear a thin person screaming to get out of me but I decided to keep her locked in. Fear of being fat, does nothing for you except get in your way. I guarantee that worrying about it doesn’t whiten your teeth or cure depression and it won’t make you look any better in your clothes or out of them.

Face your fear, perhaps it sounds crazy but conquer your fear of fat! You will be surprised that there are more books, journals and papers on cancer than about fat cells.

Some people can’t even pronounce the word ‘dyslexic’. Others have problems saying ‘hypochondriac’ or ‘claustrophobic’. But the F-word is easy: cat, bat, rat, sat… fat! See? Now you try it!

Fat is your best friend. This I discovered after battling it for so many years. Now I don’t fight it anymore. In fact, I have been preparing for this contest for weeks. If you think you’re the only ones that have to watch what you eat, me too! I have been on a strict diet, no less than 10000 calories a day!

Let me share with you what I like about being a plus size.

People like to hug a soft person. I am a human cushion. Comfortable to sleep with and soft in the right places. Being fat really gives meaning to a big fat hug! Hug a fat person, if you have never tried it, you will definitely like it. Go on do yourself a favour, hug a fat person today!

My friends like me for who I am and not for who I try to be. I am a unique person and not made from a cookie cutter. Now when I meet with a fat friend, instead of hugging hello, we bump bellies instead! Being fat, I certainly aspire to be a female sumo wrestler or even be a part of the fat female modeling scene. I could be “MISS FAT”. As Miss Fat, we all should hope for world peace, not thinner thighs.

My favourite reason of all is –

How many of you are a one man band? I am! My body parts can be used as a musical instrument. Who remembers this tune? (Slap various parts of body - YES I really did this and the clip on mike fell off).

Fat people can do so many things! We should remove this generalization about being fat. People who are fat are not necessarily lazy or stupid. There are healthy ‘fat’ people. Being fat does not mean that it’s wrong. Just like that there’s nothing wrong with being short or tall, black or brown. Simply put, you just can’t judge a book by its cover.

If someone was to go up to you and say “You’re Fat!” tell them “You bet I am. I’m
 

FRIENDLY

ARTICULATE &

TERRIFIC!”